4 Ways To Overcome The Need To Have Everything Under Control
From a very young age we need to have a certain level of control over our lives We need to feel that we have an impact on the framework that supports the picture that our routines form. By this I mean having our sleep and meal schedules managed, our basic needs and those of our loved ones, our academic and work priorities, and the resources we need to evolve.
We need to have a little predictability to move forward on our path with peace of mind. How do we achieve it? Creating habits, planning, and being constant in our actions in pursuit of meeting our objectives.
The need for control is also related to a biological factor. In the past, our ancestors needed their brains to be alert to monitor their environment because their survival depended on it. Today, the situation has changed, but we are exposed to high levels of stress that leave us hyper-vigilant like our predecessors.
The tensions we go through put us in a state of alarm and the amygdala in our brain is activated, exacerbating our fear of the threat that an unknown scenario brings with it. In those conditions Our default response is to want to control our reality so that nothing unpleasant surprises us
Our efforts to keep everything under control can have unhealthy consequences, including anxiety, insomnia, and a weakened immune system. Our controlling tendencies are reflected from overthinking, worrying, getting ahead of certain situations, obsessing over some obligations. until we put ourselves in charge of everything frantically without being able to delegate
I was a serial controller. I always share it in the hope of helping my clients and readers. To heal, those of us who want to have everything under control need to treat ourselves with a lot of self-compassion and faith. Then we have to look for the bottom line in our upbringing because this behavior usually has its origins at that stage. It is important to work on this to understand, accept, integrate, and reframe our past experiences and lead a healthier life for the future.
Anyone who grows up as a child without the necessary support and care has to look for ways to be self-sufficient. This person will have the need to have everything under control to survive and prosper despite his circumstances. I think about a client who grew up with a mother with significant health problems and a father who traveled all the time. From a very young age, she had to learn to manage tasks that adults normally perform. She was in charge of everything from the orders they made to her from school, to taking care of her little brother, and what they would eat each day.
When she became an adult she was the typical person who always had everything organized. She couldn’t leave anything to chance. Her head was like a computer, her activity level was excessive and she lived tired and worried for fear of not being able to do everything she thought was necessary to survive and get ahead.
In contrast to what I told you previously, a child who grows up with family models who cannot let go of their hands on the controller, They copy that model assuming that it is the way to live in peace and without problems That was my experience in my childhood and I carried it into my adulthood. My parents were always very hard-working and excessively responsible. They did everything they had to do and more too. They had a hint of anticipatory anxiety because they feared that if they didn’t do everything themselves, things would go wrong. When things went out of their way, they became very overwhelmed and distressed. That is why they watched everything left and right to prevent life from hitting them and ending up suffering.
It is very difficult to live like this I say this from experience, and because I suffered alongside my parents for witnessing what happened to them. The good news is that with adequate therapeutic work, this propensity can be overcome.
To do?
The first thing we can do is understand, without judging, this defense mechanism. We have the false belief that by controlling everything we will be calmer, but it is exactly the other way around Control is harsh, rigid, and merciless and disconnects us from the reality that happens here and now. It is a vicious circle because from wanting to handle everything so much we end up exhausted and/or disillusioned since there will always be surprises that we cannot foresee.
This is why it is so important to learn to give your best and then let go and trust. This is a flexible attitude, anchored in the present, and reflecting a growth mindset. Our mantra would sound something like this: “I will do what I can regardless of the result. If I have a setback, I get up with the new learning and keep going.”
4 ways to overcome our controlling tendencies
These are the strategies you can incorporate into your life.
1. Pause and think about what triggers them
Is it the job/ a person/ a look/ a disapproving comment? Are The expectations what about you?
2. Reflect on how you feel about those triggers
Do you feel chaotic/insecure/anxious/sad/fearful/angry? Do you feel pressure in your throat? Does your head, chest, or belly hurt?
3. Ask yourself how you escape from the emotions you have detected
Do you work excessively? Do you clean too much? Do you tell others how they should live their lives? Do you beat yourself up over what you’ve said or done? Do you think too much about your obligations and/or relationships?
What am I telling myself to act like this? What would happen if things don’t go the way I want? I honestly can’t entrust these tasks to someone else? Do I need to strengthen my faith (in myself/in someone superior/in the universe)? Is it worth leaving my life in all this?
Concluding…
Profound changes take time and require us to move more slowly to be able to see the situation from different angles and with the clarity that only a calm mind can give us. Every time you choose to loosen your grip on your need for control, you will open yourself more to life, which is fluid and pulsating. Remember that it is not about giving up but about choosing where and how you want to invest your energy, and above all, how you want to live.
