5 Habits To Be More Resilient: How To Enhance Resilience?
Resilience is defined as a person’s ability to cope and overcome difficult life events in a healthy way Someone who presents a high level of resilience is characterized by applying constructive strategies in painful or complicated life situations such as losses (financial, personal, separation, etc.), illnesses or possible threats (crime or debt, for example).
To better understand the concept of resilience, we must keep in mind that it is not about not feeling pain and it is not a way to avoid suffering, but on the contrary; The first important step to a higher level of resilience would be to eliminate the expectation that we should never suffer Problems, pain and suffering are a part of life just like joy and happiness. Going through a painful moment and feeling sadness, frustration or hopelessness about something does not mean that we did something wrong, but it happens to all of us.
For this reason, a first important aspect is acceptance and the ability to see difficult moments not only as inevitable but also to a certain extent necessary for our personal strength. A second aspect is that we must differentiate between the pain itself, which is caused by an event, and the meaning we give to this pain and the fact of having to go through this event.
As an example, after receiving a diagnosis of a serious illness, there is inevitable pain caused by shock and the pain caused by the illness itself. This leads to inevitable states of suffering that we cannot control. But there is a second pain, caused by the negative meanings and thoughts that we add to the situation For example, ideas like: “I don’t deserve that,” “that shouldn’t be happening to me,” “what did I do wrong for life to punish me this way.”
They are the ways of thinking about the event that can increase the level of suffering significantly and over these we do have control. Therefore, a higher level of resilience is characterized by not adding aggravating meanings to the situation and knowing how to differentiate between one’s own pain and the pain added by what we think about the situation.
The limits of resilience
Obviously, the severity of the difficult situations that we can experience in life is very varied and in therapeutic care we must differentiate between traumatic situations and expected and more everyday crises in life. Psychologically traumatic experiences are considered to be experiences so stressful that they exceed the person’s coping abilities. Many times, because they start from a truly invasive threat to our sense of security and integrity. For example, a severe traffic accident, physical abuse or rape. As a consequence of trauma, people feel that their emotions overcome them daily and memories cannot be transformed into simple stories from the past.
A good level of resilience can help us cope better with these experiences, but it will never be the only form of care they require On the other hand, crisis situations are considered those expected or unexpected events that take us off our daily path and force us to readjust different aspects of our lives. They can be very painful times too, such as the death of a family member, a diagnosis of a serious illness, or the bankruptcy of a business. They are situations in which we depend a lot on our personal resources and we can come out of there better or worse than we entered depending a lot on our level of resilience.
Five practices that make us more resilient
We present a series of tips and habits to increase our resilience.
1. Choose what story we are going to tell ourselves about an event
Although we do not choose to go through a situation, there is always a range within which we decide how we are going to lead with it and what story we are going to tell ourselves about what happened. It is not about telling lies or “thinking positive” and painting a pretty painful experience, but rather choosing a role and a posture that allows us to lead with the event
Those who have ever been the victim of a robbery or assault understand, for example, the indignation and frustration that this experience entails. They were literally victims. However, the victim’s story: that she was violated and perhaps demands justice, that she is defended, and that she is upset with the legal system that does nothing, puts the person in a position from which she cannot do anything. nothing beyond regret.
Another story about the same event would be that of acceptance: that we are vulnerable and that no one is safe from being a victim of assault at some point in their life. Although it is unfair and should not happen, we ultimately have to put our things back in order and repairing the damage this experience caused is solely up to us. It is not about justifying or downplaying the seriousness of the matter that happened, but about taking a position that allows us to act or in this specific case let go.
Although no one can ever tell us why we really have to go through a difficult moment, it has been proven that it helps us by adding greater meaning to it ourselves. A very clear example of this is raising children, which involves continuous sacrifices such as lack of sleep, enduring tantrums, little personal time, etc If we did not believe that it would be for a purpose greater than these moments, which is the formation of a human being, it would be very difficult to maintain the position that is required as parents in the long term.
It is about taking problems as part of life that can teach us something important, seeing suffering as a sacrifice for something more important or, in every moment of crisis, asking ourselves, how can I make that become one of the best things? that have happened to me.
3. Focus on the problem of the moment – Avoid catastrophic thinking
When we go through a difficult or painful situation, a natural tendency is to automatically think about possible causes of the past and consequences of the future in a catastrophic sense. For example, a separation that may come unexpectedly automatically leads us to think about everything we should have done better in the past and everything that may now be waiting for us in the future when we no longer have this person. None of this helps us at the moment to lead with the situation.
Although it is good and recommended to reflect on what has happened in past relationships as part of a process of closure or self-knowledge, in the grieving process it is preferable not to get carried away by possibilities of the past or the future It is preferable to focus on the closest problem at hand and think about what needs to be done to address it. We don’t know what it really was or what is going to happen, we just know that it is the least thing we can do now.
4. Speak it to tame it
In times of crisis and suffering, it has been proven that finding people to talk to and vent with helps. The human being is a social being that always benefits from the connection and dialogic exchange with other people. Although, not just anyone can accompany us in any situation, in any situation we should think about who we count on to accompany us or to simply talk. Friends or family may not be able to solve the problem, but sharing has a healing effect.
Pronouncing a topic out loud allows us to distance ourselves a little from it and see it more from the outside. That another person listening to us represents that he accepts us despite what we are going through, that is worth a lot. Most of the things that happen to us in life have happened before to other people too and we should not isolate ourselves in crisis situations, but rather look for allies Allies are safe people, that is, those who are not going to judge us or tell other people and we are not a burden to anyone, as long as we know how to tell the situation, not from complaining but from sharing.
By changing the narrative about a situation we can stop seeing it as a problem and turn it into a challenge. This allows us to create playful strategies or challenges around the different tasks involved in the situation to be resolved. A writer who was experiencing a creative block once told me that he regained his inspiration by following the challenge of writing at least 1,000 words per day regardless of his motivation or the quality of his work. At first it took him a lot of willpower and he described it as a forced and painful process, at the same time it gave him the feeling of doing something and over time it helped him return to his usual routine.
Another example would be, when we know that we must improve our health due to some illness and it is difficult for us to start exercising or change our diet; By connecting with other people who are going through a similar situation and going to the gym or a group course can make the process more fun. Getting together to cook together can be another way to find pleasure in learning a new habit
Conclusions
Accept that all people inevitably go through difficult situations in their lives and we cannot expect that we will never suffer. Keep in mind that resilience is something we can learn and train and that we grow with our challenges. The meaning we give to what happens to us and the stories we tell ourselves around the event are crucial to overcoming it.
It is not about thinking positively or denying the pain, but rather recognizing the challenge and assuming it responsibly, because even though we may not have been at fault, we can choose a lot given what has happened to us. Asking for help and sharing our pain and worries with others is also resilient. There is a difference between crises and traumatic experiences. The suggestions I have shared here apply to crisis situations. Trauma goes beyond a difficult moment in life and leaves deeper marks on a neurological level, which is why it is not resolved solely with resilience
