Grieving the death of our baby is one of the most emotionally painful experiences a mother or father can face. In fact, managing these feelings can be very complicated and may even require psychotherapeutic support.
In this article we will see some of the key ideas to facilitate the adequate processing of grief due to perinatal death starting by defining the most important concepts.
Grief is the process through which a person tries to readjust her emotions and expectations in the face of a situation of loss of something significant, with which she was united by a bond of attachment or love.
This loss may have to do with leaving behind a material possession with sentimental value (for example, having forgotten a watch that our grandfather gave us on the train) or it may be related to the death of a loved one.
Of course, grief can occur in different degrees of intensity, and although it is always accompanied by a series of negative emotions and a feeling of discomfort, in most cases it does not give rise to a psychological disorder.
The implications of mourning the death of a baby
As its name indicates, perinatal death is the death of the baby or fetus whose development was in the perinatal stage , that is, the phase that goes from approximately 28 weeks of pregnancy to the first week of life after childbirth. It is not just a special type of soil because this age group is the one with the highest risk of mortality in early childhood; Furthermore, it is because it has some characteristics that are qualitatively different from those of other forms of mourning for the death of a family member.
The most representative thing about mourning the death of the baby is that we have barely had time to establish a bond in which both of you actively participate. We are faced with the experience of wondering if we have existed for our son or daughter, given the little development of their nervous system. The idea of not having had time to establish a meaningful relationship makes it more difficult for some people to overcome this type of grief, because they think about the idea of suffering from a mirage, just a project for a maternal-child or paternal relationship. -subsidiary.
In fact, In some cases they even feel bad because they believe that other people expect them to overcome that loss more quickly. and experience guilt under the feeling that through the expectations of others, they appear exaggerated or exaggerated (regardless of whether that social pressure is real or not).
The keys to mourning a perinatal death
These are several guidelines to follow to adequately grieve the loss of a baby, although they do not replace the effectiveness of psychotherapy.
1. Don’t force yourself to forget
Part of what makes grieving the death of a family member or loved one very painful has to do with the dysfunctional strategies we adopt to manage this discomfort. Many times, we actively participate in keeping sadness and anguish afloat even if we do not realize it.
Of course, it is impossible to perfectly manage these feelings and emotions, and setting this as a goal would contribute to the problem because it would lead us to a state of hypervigilance towards our own thoughts. However, we can keep in mind some guidelines about what does not work.
And in this sense, something that clearly does not work in any case is trying to block thoughts related to that person’s death. If you try, you will only adopt a greater predisposition to attract to your mind those painful thoughts and images that you are trying to leave out of your consciousness, thereby promoting psychological rumination.
2. Put into words what you feel
With any grief experience, it is important to have the opportunity to express emotional discomfort in words.
This is a psychological principle used in therapy: through what is known as “emotional labeling,” psychology professionals help people to transform your feelings into phrases and syntagms creating a more or less coherent whole , since it has been shown that doing so helps process that emotional pain. By specifying the emotional charge of what we feel using the vocabulary we have at our disposal, we also limit the power that these negative emotions have on us and we learn not to avoid thinking about it.
In fact, this procedure helps to recover not only from grief situations, but also from trauma, and its beneficial effects remain in the long term.
3. Combine rest with involvement in activities that stimulate you
After the first days of recovery, It is a mistake to spend all day in bed or to work obsessively. as long as we don’t have a minute to think about the death of our son or daughter.
It is necessary to be able to rest and sleep enough so that our body does not experience physical wear and tear (which weakens our immune system and predisposes us to suffer anxiety and depressive-type symptoms), and not depend totally on sources of external stimulation, but it is also important Do not isolate yourself, because if our entire mental life is based on being alone with our thoughts, it is easy for us to fall into psychological rumination, thinking over and over the same thing.
4. Close the cycle of your baby’s life through a farewell ritual
Funeral rituals are a cultural universal , being present in almost all cultures, ethnicities and tribes, and that is for a reason. It helps us say goodbye to that person and adopt a mentality in which we assume that this loved one exists in our memories. That way, we are not constantly frustrated by the expectation of not being able to interact with her as we do with living people.
Of course, the effects of this type of event are not immediate, but in the medium and long term, they usually help. And by the way, it is not necessary that the ritual be linked to a religion or that it has to conform to the standards of a system of customs and beliefs. The important thing is that it allows you to say goodbye in your own way, or in the way of friends and family. It is also possible to have an event for the family and another simpler and more private one for you.
5. If you develop complicated grief, seek professional help
Knowing how to process grief also involves knowing how to recognize the point at which you need psychotherapeutic support. Sometimes, grief becomes complicated grief and threatens to lead to chronic emotional maladjustment. Therefore, if after several weeks you notice that you are still unable to lead a normal life, it is important that you go to the psychologist.
Are you looking for professional psychological support?
If you are interested in having psychological or psychotherapeutic assistance in the face of a grief experience, contact us.
In Psychoconsulting We work serving adults and adolescents both in our center located in Barcelona and online through video call sessions.
