7 Guidelines To Help Our Sons And Daughters Overcome Fear
“Sometimes emotions can be our worst enemies, but they can also be our best friends.” How many times have I said that phrase to boys and girls or, in its adult version, to parents and adults. And, depending on how we handle them, our own emotions can cause us great discomfort or help us adapt better to the environment
Fear in particular has the function of protecting us from situations that can be dangerous. But sometimes it can turn against us, preventing us from doing what we want and causing great discomfort. Fathers and mothers have a double challenge since they have to manage both their emotions and transmit it to their sons and daughters, and they may have difficulties in one or both tasks, which sometimes results in great discomfort for the entire family.
Fear appears at seven months of age, normally occurring when faced with loud noises or heights As children develop, their perception of the world changes, encountering new and previously unknown stimuli, which causes other fears to appear.
Thus, for example, with the beginning of symbolic play and the development of mental representations, fear of darkness and ghosts appears, and one may have difficulty sleeping alone, even having done so previously.
This appearance of fears associated with the development of the boy or girl is called evolutionary fears, and they are associated with this adaptation to novelty. Below, I summarize the most important ones.
Evolutionary fears
During the first year of life, the fears that appear are loud noises, the loss of physical support, strange people and separation.
From the first year onwards, fear of small animals or insects may appear, as well as different natural phenomena, such as thunder and storms. Furthermore, it is common for them to feel fear of separation from the main attachment figures such as parents. This anxiety or anxiety due to separation usually appears around the age of two.
Between the ages of two and a half and six, fear of the dark, ghosts, and being alone appears can also show fear of other animals.
Later, fears related to health, physical harm and bodily injuries are characteristic, appearing from the age of six. The fear of death and some school fears are also relevant.
During preadolescence (11-13 years old), the most important fears are social ones ; Shame has already appeared before and the child may have had to adapt to some social problems, but it is at these ages where fears related to self-image and school are more relevant.
In adolescence, school and social fears continue, but these focus more on interpersonal relationships, fears of self-identity and personal performance.
These fears appear with the child’s development and also disappear with their development as they learn that these situations (for example, sleeping alone) are not really dangerous. But if they face that situation without feeling prepared for it, either because they do not feel supported and capable or because we do not allow them to face it, it It can cause problems in different areas of your life
Guidelines and advice
Keep these parenting tips and recommendations in mind.
1. Help the boy or girl identify the emotion
You have to help him defining and understanding how you feel can mean understanding yourself better and reduce the feeling of lack of control of oneself.
2. Listen to him and validate the emotion
As parents we do not want our children to be uncomfortable and sometimes for this purpose we use phrases like “don’t be afraid” or “if nothing happens”. However, these phrases do not allow you to create skills to relate to your fear and we can achieve the opposite effect.
Instead of these phrases we can use others like “I know it scares you” or “tell me what could happen” that can make you feel heard and understood At the end of the day, we can all be afraid and they are human emotions, they should not feel bad for feeling it and not being “accepted or allowed” to have it.
3. Normalize having and facing fear
It is normal that in situations unknown until that moment we do not know how to react and we need to prepare, and that when faced with that situation at first it is difficult for us. Share a situation in which we have been afraid especially if we have managed to overcome it, together with the previous guidelines, can help the child identify himself, not see himself as someone strange, contributing to better self-esteem and motivating him to face fear.
Another option that we can use for this objective is a story, there are many on the market both specifically oriented towards fear and emotions in general, in addition, there are stories for specific fears.
4. Encourage him to try facing fear
It is important to understand that the purpose is for them to learn to relate to fear as what it is, an alarm or emotion that allows us to be alert to possible danger. However, this possible alert should not control our actions and decide for us. It is something that children can learn, normalize the emotion of fear by understanding why it occurs and what they can do to resolve it properly.
Besides, This should be done gradually or with an appropriate scale of intensity of coping with the stimulus or situation that causes fear, since if the child is forced to be in a situation that causes intense fear and is not allowed to “escape” it may have the opposite effect to what we would like. At the PsicoAlmería psychology center, we establish specific guidelines for each case and we achieve the elimination of fears and the learning that must entail at these early ages.
There will be situations where the above guidelines are not sufficient, needing us to accompany him at first or some object that creates security. This help must be withdrawn little by little as the child feels capable of doing it alone.
6. Go little by little
If you cannot face that situation suddenly, we can set small goals for you. This way you will find it easier to see yourself overcoming fear and succeeding.
7. Assess successes and failures
It is very important that we value any approach they make to the objective we have It can be done with prizes, both with small prizes in the approaches and with a large one in case of obtaining the final goal, but what we must never forget is to express how proud and happy we are that you have faced your fear, regardless of his success or not, this way he will continue trying and we will increase the chances of him surpassing himself. Verbal reinforcement to a minor always produces more positive consequences than a material reward.
Do you need professional help?
If the fear persists, we observe that the child is very uncomfortable or we do not see ourselves capable of offering the child the necessary tools to face his fear, it is recommended to go to a professional such as the psychologists of PsychoAlmería
These will help both the child and ourselves to deal with our emotions in a better way. The final objective will be for the minor to identify his emotions, understand them, learn from them without rejecting them until the fear disappears and improve his self-concept.
At PsicoAlmería, psychologist María del Mar Jodar García will be able to help the minor or adolescent overcome the situation they are going through, always understanding that each person is different and therefore adapting the therapy to their situation. Sessions can be in person and online.
