One of the phrases that those of us who are dedicated to supporting families hear the most is “My son/daughter doesn’t listen to anything I say.” Does this phrase sound familiar to you? Do you feel identified?
If you have a teenager at home you know that it is not easy to communicate with them, who listen to all the people who advise them except you, who often have to ask them for things dozens of times to do them – if they do them. But you should know something: it’s not about you, so don’t take it personally.
However, those of us who are mothers or fathers of teenagers are worried about the fact that they do not explain their things to us, what is going on in their minds, their fears, their problems… We feel that they are light years away from us and from us. themselves. We see them sad, apathetic, unmotivated… desperate and with episodes of anxiety. Often our worry turns to fear. We want to help them and we don’t know how
Keys to educating responsible and purposeful adolescents
We all see how complicated reality is right now, socially and professionally. Today’s young people have no guarantee that going through the hoops of the academic system will give them results or guarantee them a successful future.
So much effort and time invested in the classrooms to end up working delivering pizzas… If we think about it like this, we can understand their desperation, their lack of motivation, their sadness, their lack of self-confidence, and their insecurity. These emotions lead to behavioral problems, distancing, addictions or self-destructive behaviors.
And although it may seem like a dramatic context, We must know that we can help them reverse this situation with simple mental change tools that will allow them to see the light again, regain confidence, motivation and enthusiasm for your own future. And that, at the end of the day, shows in his behavior.
If you want to discover some resources to help your teenager, read on.
1. Regain trust
The first step is to earn their trust again Although we have had a very close relationship with our children during their childhood, there can be a notable distancing when entering adolescence. This fact is a consequence of the process of constructing your identity. Knowing that there are biological reasons that favor this distancing, we will have to work harder to regain that trust.
Trust is the basis so that when you need our help you are able to ask for it, at any time in your life. And that is exactly what allows us people to get ahead when we are on the brink of the abyss.
Start by not talking about your children’s things with others, or at least not letting them know, and even less so in a derogatory way What would you think of a friend of yours who explains your most intimate secrets to the four winds?
2. Respect their things, their space, their privacy
Respect, because respect is earned by respecting. If we want to be treated with respect we have to treat them with respect and treat ourselves with respect.
We have established communication patterns that unconsciously lead us to disrespect when our children make mistakes Who hasn’t experienced entering the bathroom and finding the towels on the floor, the hairdryer on the sink and your angry face in the mirror? At that moment you would scream and swear a few times, but that only weakens the bond of trust and encourages the situation to happen again.
On that occasion, the best thing is to bite your tongue and ask yourself: “If instead of being my daughter who left the bathroom like that, it had been my best friend, how would I tell her?” Remember that in a very short time you will be an adult, and the relationship you build today will not only determine the relationships you will have tomorrow, but also the relationship that will exist between you.
Also respect their space, their privacy We don’t have to know everything they do, everything they say, everything they think. It is not necessary when the relationship is based on trust.
3. Offer help and help him when he asks you to
Help them when they ask for help, even when you know they can do it alone. Sometimes it’s just to check that you’ll be there if something serious happens to him. Like the 4-year-old who asks for water when he is in bed. It’s not that he’s thirsty, he just wants to know what you’re going to do if he calls you. And if you don’t come when called for the water, the child will obviously believe that you won’t help him either if a monster comes out from under the bed. And there we have the insecurities then. With adolescents we are going to make them know that they can do it alone – and that we know it – but that we help them because we want to and because we love them
4. Add humor
Because laughing is essential, because sometimes it is the best way to address very serious topics. In fact, serious is not the opposite of funny ; The opposite of fun is boring. Laugh at yourself, at your own mistakes; Take the edge off dramas and look for that fun part, especially when it’s most difficult. Laugh at their jokes, even the ones you don’t understand, and join in with them. Laughter generates endorphins and serotonin, which make the brain work better (and that doesn’t hurt in adolescence).
5. Use positive language
Always look for the good side of things and teach your children to do it too, asking him about the lessons he learns even from the worst situations. In the face of any seemingly negative circumstance, he asks the following question: what opportunity does this situation give you?
6. Focus on solutions
We tend to waste a lot of time talking about problems, what we have done wrong, mistakes, difficult circumstances… we do it with ourselves, but also with others. Resilience is precisely the ability to move forward despite difficulties, and it is educated in the simple circumstances of daily life from childhood, helping children to generate solutions to any situation that apparently is a problem.
To educate their resilient outlook, we must act as resilient people, focusing on the solution when they come to us with a “problem.” Think about a situation that could be a “daily problem,” whether you have left your backpack at school, you have had a fight with a classmate, or you have failed a class. In any situation, instead of giving the reprimand, ask: “Ok, how do you solve it? Do you need some help?”.
Thus, not only does he not feel judged, but he also learns that making mistakes is part of life and that the best attitude to live it is to look for solutions and take responsibility for one’s own actions. Responsibility and resilience, two of the most necessary life skills in today’s world.
7. Stop giving limiting labels
Many of the fathers and mothers I work with tell me that the benefits of changing that are noticeable after a few days. And think: how would you feel if the people who supposedly love you the most constantly told you that you were messy, useless, stupid, clumsy, vicious, deaf, sensitive, grumpy, stressful, annoying…? I could go on, but it hurts too much already.
Not only are we in danger of weakening the bond of trust and relationship with our children, but we are damaging their own self-concept which influences their self-esteem and is still under construction.
With the application of these resources at home we improve the relationship we have with our adolescents, we promote the creation of balanced self-esteem and the construction of healthy relationships, which will determine the type of relationships they will have in adult life.
On our website you will find many more resources to learn how to use the tools efficiently. Educate yourself before it’s too late.
