As with any significant social relationship for us, it is necessary to take care of the romantic relationship if we want it to last and evolve satisfactorily. It is not enough to not fight, we must feel comfortable in it and enjoy the relationship.
In this sense, the most common problems that usually come to consultation in the couple’s area are: lack of communication, uncontrolled arguments, jealousy, crisis due to infidelity, boredom or monotony in living together, dedicating little quality time to the couple, and conflicts generated indirectly from other conflicts before the political family.
In this article We will see the most useful couples therapy techniques and what benefits they bring.
We know that social relationships can be complicated; Sometimes communication problems arise, arguments, a different way of understanding the situation… In the case of relationships, it is easy for these differences to arise, since they are made up of individuals who share a lot of time and many experiences, and who maintain many shared responsibilities.
Fortunately, when the relationship dynamics between the members of the couple become unsustainable and the members that make it up are not capable of facing it, the intervention of a psychology professional helps to improve the state of coexistence and the love bond.
Thus, the main functions of the couple psychologist consist of: identifying the problem that affects the couple, what is the couple’s mode of action and behavior, establishing and forming a new bond between the members that make up the relationship, modify the attitudes of the members and the communication established between them.
It is also important to note that The ultimate goal is to make both individuals better, not to maintain the relationship We mean that, in the event that the couple decides to end the relationship and it is no longer enough, the psychologist will also accompany them so that this process occurs in the best possible way.
Why go to couples therapy?
The reasons for consultation can be multiple, any condition that affects the couple’s condition.
The most frequent requirement is usually linked to communication problems ; The couple is not able to understand each other and converse optimally, this situation can also lead to uncontrolled discussions, this being a form of erroneous expression and communication. Likewise, another reason may be a lack of time on the part of both members or on the part of one of the two; other activities such as work have an impact on the couple.
A notable characteristic that can sometimes complicate the intervention is that there are two patients and it is necessary that both agree to carry out the therapy and be cooperative. Once we know what the main problem is related to the bad situation, We will apply the techniques that are necessary to treat the problem in question
Let’s see, then, what techniques can be useful to us and in what situations it is advisable to use them, with what problems.
1. Contingency contract
The contingency contract technique is used as a couple to try to modify behaviors and achieve a more appropriate mode of action and relationship, so that both members of the couple feel satisfied.
In order for the technique to be effective, it is necessary that the two individuals that make up the couple agree and are committed to the intervention, with both parties accepting and signing the contract. Neither member must show prior privileges, both must earn the rewards and can be punished equally. The contract must mark the behaviors clearly and specifically pointing out what the reward is and the reprimand for not complying.
It is important that the contract is followed strictly and it must be each member of the couple who rates the other and evaluates the performance. Instead of rewards, you can also establish equivalent behaviors, that is, we can have one of the members make the bed if the other washes the dishes, so we can also distribute housework in a balanced way.
2. Positive and negative jar
This technique allows us to improve communication and the expression of both positive and negative issues The procedure is as follows: the couple must use two jars or boxes, in one of them they will write complaints or negative behaviors or that one of the members does not see well; On the other hand, the other will serve to express behaviors that they value positively from their partner.
In this way, as we have said, we make it easier for them to really express how they feel and prevent a simple misunderstanding from leading to a bigger problem. Likewise, the positive jar, where the good actions will be written, also allows us to reinforce the positive actions and give them the recognition they deserve, since on many occasions we only focus on the bad and forget that there are always positive aspects.
Both making and accepting criticism is not easy, since sometimes there is a tendency to attack the other person and act defensively towards them. It is important to be aware that we all have the right to express what we do not like and even more so if we want. that the relationship flows and develops appropriately Once we understand the need to express them, it is essential to work on how to do it, given that depending on our actions it will be more or less easy to get a good response from the recipient (our partner).
So to express ourselves, it helps to choose a good moment, so that we know that our partner is more receptive and we have his attention, and to communicate calmly, calmly, without getting upset. When we receive criticism, we must address what the complaint is and assess whether there are really reasons that justify it, we must try to reach an agreement with the other person and try to reach a solution that is appropriate and accepted by both.
4. Programming of agreed activities
It is common that when couples have been together for a long time, routine behaviors are established, which do not have to be bad, but it is also necessary to break this routine from time to time. Scheduling enjoyable activities together It will help the couple reconnect and spend quality time together, not just sharing space. The activity consists of each member making a list of the activities they most want to do with the other and thus being able to choose between them what plan to do.
5. Time management as a couple
The couple, like any other area of life, must be taken care of, and it is important that we dedicate time to it even if we have other obligations. It is common to have the feeling of needing more hours, since the day does not give us everything, and we may downplay aspects that we do not value as so essential. It is essential that we reserve time to be alone with our partner, to take a weekend getaway, go to dinner or simply spend some time alone at home, the important thing is to dedicate the attention it deserves.
In the same way, if we are parents or employees, we are also a couple and, therefore, we must work to ensure that this continues favorably.
6. Sexuality work
Sexuality is also an area that can be affected in relationships; a lack of communication or lack of knowledge can make the sexual relationship unsatisfactory for one or both subjects. It is important that each person express what their desires are and what behavior will help them enjoy sexual relations more without penetration being necessary.
In this way, we begin a new way of living sexuality, trying exciting behaviors from lower to higher intensity, which we will gradually increase. The purpose is not penetration, but for both members of the couple to enjoy the sexual relationship.
7. Problem solving through assertive communication
Problem solving is a technique that can help us increase communication in conflict situations and facilitate their resolution. Although it may seem that raising a problem can cause a fight, if we do it appropriately, as we have mentioned previously, it does not have to generate conflict; it’s more, Facing the situation is the only way to solve it
The process is the same as the problem-solving technique used for a single subject, only in this case it will be necessary for both members of the couple to intervene. First we must determine which problem requires a solution, defining all the characteristics linked to it, so that it is easier for us to carry out the second step, which consists of brainstorming the different alternatives to solve the problematic situation. Once the two have decided which solution to apply, a follow-up is done to observe whether or not there is improvement.
You may be interested: “9 keys to understanding jealousy and learning to overcome it”
8. Training in constructive discussion
To make the discussion effective and useful, it is essential to do it correctly If we feel uneasy, very nervous, that we will not be able to discuss calmly, listening to our partner and expressing our opinions respectfully, it is better to cut off or avoid the discussion and start it again when we really feel ready and predisposed to do so. To stop a discussion that we are seeing that only worsens the situation, it may help to use a key word that when we say it means the end of the dispute.
Later, more calmly, we will resume the discussion, when we have had time to reflect, clarify our ideas, and think about what we want to say.
Do you want to go to couples therapy?
If you are interested in having psychological assistance for couples, contact us.
In UPAD Psychology and Coaching We can assist you both from individualized psychotherapy and from couples therapy and sexology. The sessions can be carried out in our center located in Madrid, or online.
