8 Golden Rules To Overcome A Relationship Conflict
In personal relationships, sooner or later discrepancies arise, because each person has their point of view, their beliefs and their particular way of seeing the world.
Having differences is something natural, the bitter part appears when you become a dead end. The relationship deteriorates and suffering and distance between the couple appears In couples therapy we are constantly opening alternatives to find a way out of the alley.
In the day-to-day life of the Psicode Institute we use endless techniques with which we look for other options to solve problems that the couple cannot do on their own. We mediate, we work on flexibility, we undo toxic dynamics, we create healthy communication scenarios, we teach how to close past stories, we scare away pride, we present forgiveness and the magic of reconquest. Anyway, Psychologists become facilitators of agreement and harmony in the couple.
It is very curious, however, that Most couples face the same problems over and over again Each couple ends up repeating the same scenes and conflict themes. Even the people who make it up know what the outcome of the situation will be, but they cannot avoid it; They do the same thing over and over again, hoping it will be resolved. But both are trapped by the conflict.
Something that surprises us is that, when they come to the consultation, we observe that many couples have in their repertoire very good communication skills Some have even read and trained in assertiveness, but not even with that they can overcome conflicts.
There are many emotions involved, such as anger, guilt or fear, which prevent us from seeing the solution. The topic of conversation becomes stressful just by mentioning it, because there have been many occasions of failure in the attempt and because they want the other to see the world as they do, from the same perspective. This is where the main obstacle appears. The constant struggle to find who is right.
The topics that we mostly encounter in the consultation that are the most frequent reasons for discussion are usually: reproaches regarding the lack of involvement in domestic responsibilities and with children, different points of view regarding education with children, problems with in-laws, unresolved infidelities, demands for individuality not understood by the other member of the couple, problems in sexual relationships, addictions or jealousy.
Keys to overcoming relationship conflict
Based on these considerations, let’s look at 8 rules that can help you get out of the conflict.
1. Talk about the problem when you are not immersed in it
Normally in couples there are certain repetitive scenes that end with a bad outcome. The couple mistakenly tries to find a solution at the time the problem occurs, which is when the big dispute appears. It’s hard to find reasons when we have the emotional brain taking control of us. Therefore, it is advisable to talk about the problem once it has happened, not “in situ”.
It is not necessary to solve it now or today. Possibly you can talk about it and reach an agreement when you are calm.
2. Before starting to talk about the problem, prepare yourself mentally
Do a little exercise in adjusting expectations and then Do not get frustrated if the situation does not develop as you would like
It starts from the premise that when you bring up the topic, the other person will not perceive it the way you do.
Different points of view are just that, differences. You have to find an intermediate point to adjust them and solve the problem. To do this, you have to go through a dialogue process ; The solution does not come immediately. Don’t get frustrated if it doesn’t come out the first time, because that will increase the anger and make it harder to handle.
Reflect on how the other person experiences the situation, try to see it from their perspective. She performs a small empathy exercise to put yourself in the other person’s shoes, to understand why perhaps the other member of the couple is acting that way. You will surely find in the exercise that the other person does not intend to hurt you, but rather interprets the situation in a different way.
Remember that each person proposes different solutions, marked by their culture, their childhood belief models, their past experiences… This causes them to draw conclusions, values different from yours, and not see the problem as you do.
3. When you feel small and helpless, don’t resort to generating fear
You can draw your strength by talking about a future where you are both happy. For example, we find many cases that resort to threatening separation at the slightest dispute. This creates more tension in the situation and makes it more difficult to look for an option.
Try to look for arguments in which you express your intention to solve the problem, to do your part to seek consensus and continue walking together This option makes the other member put away their defensive shield and thus makes communication and the search for alternatives easier.
4. The more upset the other person gets, the more effort I have to make to stay calm.
If we do not manage to be in an environment conducive to dialogue, that will be the sign that it is not the time to talk. We can postpone it. There is a strange mania for solving everything now, and that only brings more problems. For example, on weekends, without the interruptions and pressures of day-to-day obligations favor closer communication and thus make the solution more accessible.
Sometimes, with a simple I’m sorry, a thousand paths to solutions open up. Do not be afraid. Pride only entrenches the problem
6. Without spectators, it is better
Remember the most important rule: “with children in front, no”, since in the end they suffer from the arguments and do not know how to handle it. Sometimes problems arise in front of friends or family. It is better to bite the bullet and leave it for later, because when we have witnesses in front of us, the urgent need to be right appears and that only makes us become more extremist and radical to win in front of others.
7. Train yourself in the ABCs, the 3 ingredients that will help you express yourself
First, talk about how you feel. without judging the other person Show your part in agreement with what the other thinks or feels and validate it too.
Secondly, ask him without using reproaches or irony. what you expect, what you would like to happen. Do it without generalities and abstractions, the more concrete the better. Remember not to bring up the past, we look forward.
Finally, explain the positive consequences that you believe it would have if what you demand happened, not only for the couple but for each of the two separately.
8. We will not open several doors at the same time
If you are talking about a topic, it is very important that you do not bring up another mistake or past problem. It is forbidden to mix topics to fill you with reason The key is to dialogue, and look for solutions step by step. If we mix, we open many wounds and then it is difficult to remain rational enough to find a way out. If the other person feels very guilty or hurt, it will do little to get them to take her side; rather, they will tend to defend themselves.
We hope these rules help you, if at any time you think you need reinforcement or to help you get out of the alley, at the Psicode Institute we have experts to guide you. You can call us at 910000209.
