In some marriages, the arrival of divorce is a reason for satisfaction and relief, a civilized way of putting an end to a relationship that, for whatever reason, has not worked. However, it is no secret that in many cases, even in people who have already been separated for months, the “official” end of the marriage is an emotionally painful experience or, at the very least, causing a certain feeling of disorientation or even existential emptiness.
This last type of experience is usually accompanied by emotional difficulties both in the relationship with oneself and in relationships with others, especially if there are children involved. Therefore, here we will address some guidelines for emotional management of the divorce experience, as general advice.
Obviously, each case presents its particularities, and if it is already true that each person is unique, in the case of a divorce, which directly involves two individuals, there are even more variables at play. In any case, and assuming that the best solution to emotional problems is to attend psychotherapy (to obtain completely personalized professional support), several of the guidelines that can help you when facing a divorce are the following.
1. Focus on acceptance
Accepting the current situation that one is going through during a divorce process is the first guideline, an essential one, with which we can manage it in the best possible way.
Those people who do not accept their divorce or who do not want to recognize the reality of the facts They tend to get frustrated, feel bad, and constantly imagine possible idealized alternative scenarios or strategies to avoid the current situation. This not only prevents turning the page, but frequently leads to confrontation and the adoption of a hostile attitude (or more hostile, if the relationship was no longer good) towards the ex-partner, because this dynamic keeps afloat the fiction that one himself has control over the existence or non-existence of the marriage.
Instead of doing that, It is recommended to focus on the present and the future ahead of us as single people; We must be clear that the world is not ending and that it is perfectly possible to be happy beyond the marriage that has ended, and put our efforts into achieving our own emotional well-being through those elements of our life that we can control.
2. Don’t try to fix the situation
Even among those who accept that divorce is the “default” option that exists in the present, some people cling to the hope of “fixing” the relationship that has broken down, an intention that is very unconstructive and does not correspond at all. with the chances of success.
Although it is true that some relationships can be reconciled, that usually happens after a certain time, and it is important that something like this happens without pressure or obsession, but rather spontaneously and without looking for it.
That is why it is of great importance that during the divorce process we maintain a state of calm and maintain the focus of attention on goals that involve us alone (or our family if we have children).
3. Don’t hide it
During a divorce process, also It is advisable not to keep this fact a secret, nor to take too long to communicate the news to the rest of your loved ones. If it takes too long, this topic can become a secret that is difficult to “cover” and that in the long run generates more added worries, because you feel the pressure of having to justify why nothing was said at the time.
If it is difficult to communicate the news of the recent divorce, you can establish specific dates and times to take the step and forget about that worry as soon as possible.
4. Do not limit yourself to communicating the facts to your children
If you have children, especially if they are very young, it is important not only to communicate the news of the divorce, but also to clarify what will happen from now on in the family environment and offer them emotional support, without assuming that They are “robots” that simply have to process verbal information. All this in a calm tone and open to participation, reserving a place that offers privacy and a time in which there are no distractions or other things to do.
It is worth keeping in mind that in the event that the children lack information about the future after a divorce, They tend to adopt a pessimistic point of view and put themselves in the worst possible scenario: In the face of ambiguity, it is easy for anxiety to arise. That is why it is of great importance to clarify any doubts and address the present and future situation, instead of just talking about what has already happened.
5. Boost your social life
It is quite common that after a sentimental breakup of this type, if it coincides with marital separation, we have a lot of free time that we previously spent with the other person. Some people tend to waste this free time alone out of inertia, something we should avoid at all costs.
After a divorce it is advisable to give your social life a boost to compensate for the fact that the hours spent in the company of your partner are no longer there. It is better to participate in new social activities so as not to be alone out of pure passivity. We must not forget that going from living with your partner to not doing so has objective implications that go beyond the mental: routines change significantly, and you have to know how to adapt to this.
6. Don’t get obsessed with finding a partner
This is an important topic, since many people are obsessed with finding a new partner as soon as possible after a painful divorce, either because of the need to overcome the negative emotions that divorce generates or because it is difficult for them to be alone, or directly because being single seems to them something linked to a stigma (especially in people who are no longer very young).
To achieve emotional balance after the breakup and give ourselves time to reflect on what happened it is important not to become obsessed with having a new partner and focus on ourselves during the first weeks, in part to be clear about what we really want, what values and life projects we should focus on.
This does not mean rejecting dates, it is simply about not focusing on the need to have another partner and spending time getting to know ourselves better, discovering what we want in the future and with what philosophy of life we want to face this new stage of our life. .
7. Lean on friends and family
They are there for that. We have the support of our closest social circle, the friends and family around us; If we may need them especially at some point, this is one of them.
Talking with them about what happened, from adult to adult, helps to organize our ideas and stop trying not to think about certain topics, so that we can accept what happened and integrate it appropriately into our memories.
8. Attend psychotherapy if necessary
In case the current situation overwhelms us, it is important to attend psychotherapy with a qualified professional expert in divorce processes and marital breakdowns.
Going to a psychologist is one of the best ways to start feeling better, since in your consultation we will not only be able to express everything we have inside and let off steam, but we will also be trained in skills and techniques for managing emotions and of self-knowledge to turn the page.
If you are going through these types of experiences, I invite you to contact me and schedule a first session; I am a General Health Psychologist and I work supporting people of all ages. I offer in-person and online sessions.
