When we talk about the concept of forgiveness, we usually refer above all to a social phenomenon with moral implications about how we should relate to others. From this point of view, to forgive would be to assume that the redeeming qualities shown by someone who behaved badly They deserve that we do not completely break off the relationship with that person, or that we do not adopt a hostile attitude toward them “by default.”
So, although forgiveness does not have to mean forgetting or overlooking the harmful actions someone carried out, it allows us to give second chances, making it possible for new alliances and complicities to emerge with those who were unfair to us or to someone we care about. .
Now, this definition of what forgiveness is is somewhat limited and does not cover all the human experiences that we can live when forgiving and being forgiven. And it is also possible to forgive yourself. What’s more, as we will see later, there are many occasions in which it is totally necessary to reach that reconciliation with one’s own “I”.
Self Forgiveness Means stop seeing our past mistakes only as a negative aspect of our identity or as a reason to be ashamed of who we are, but also as a reference that helps us see that we have changed and that it would be unfair to treat us as if we had not progressed in the right direction.
In short, it involves creating a self-concept that is more full of nuances, without falling into Manicheanism and accepting that in our past there are chiaroscuros, and at the same time being able to see that redemption is possible in our case. Forgiving ourselves involves having a complete vision of what we did a while ago, integrating into it information about how we are in the present.
4 reasons why it is good to know how to forgive yourself
These are the psychologically beneficial aspects of being able to forgive yourself.
1. Allows you to leave psychological rumination behind
Guilt is a psychological phenomenon that triggers the process of psychological rumination, that is, that constant appearance of intrusive images and thoughts that emerge in our consciousness over and over again, making us feel worse as time goes by. In these cases, these intrusive thoughts have to do with remembering what we did and what we now regret.
Forgiving ourselves helps us stop fearing those thoughts and memories, not obsessing over them or fighting against their appearance in our minds (something totally counterproductive), so that they increasingly lose more power over us and finally fade away, integrating with us. the rest of the memories.
By forgiving ourselves we stop focusing our attention on those biased and pessimistic thoughts about what we did, that helps us remember more clearly and more objectively what we did
Thus, from a constructive attitude, we gain the ability to detect the moments in which we acted badly, the specific decisions that were not correct, etc. In this way, self-forgiveness reinforces itself once it has begun to occur.
3. It gives us a more nuanced view of the real damage we have done
Those who assume that forgiving oneself is a negative thing on all occasions They are usually more focused on how bad they feel about your own identity than on the actual damage they caused on others with their behavior.
This extremely perfectionist and even moralistic way of analyzing one’s own behavior leads to extreme solipsism: it can even reach a point where although others have forgiven us, we have not, believing that those people do not understand what has happened. or they don’t know what is appropriate.
4. It predisposes us to normalize our relationships with others
Although at first it seems that forgiving oneself is a totally introspective and private activity, It also has a social dimension
Once we have gone through this process, we gain the ability to “connect” with others, and also with those people we harm, by showing that we do not limit ourselves to feeling sorry for ourselves, but that we are willing to compensate and repair damages. as much as possible because we see ourselves capable of empathizing and adopting an active attitude to improve things.
If you are at a point in your life where you notice that you need professional psychological support, contact me.
My name is Javier Ares and I am a General Health Psychologist specialized in emotional problems and problems linked to anxiety. I offer online therapy by video call and also in person in Madrid.
