Do you find it difficult to set limits for your children? Don’t know how to say no in a positive way? Find the keys to learning to say no to children in an effective way.
Say not to children It can be a very complicated task. Sometimes we go too far and sometimes we go too far. There are parents who are constantly limiting their children’s scope of action (don’t do that, don’t touch that, leave that), depriving them of their own autonomy with this excess of unexplained rules and others who do not put any type of brake on their children, letting them do and undo as they please and unleashing the appearance of tyrant children.
To give an example of the latter, how many times have we gone to dinner at a restaurant and seen how someone’s children run and play there as if it were a park? The parents are not there watching your children which can make other customers and even workers who have to dodge children to do their job uncomfortable.
Obviously neither one case nor the other is the most favorable for a good education of our minors. In the first case, children grow up without self-esteem and end up being people with little creativity, since they are limited a lot from a young age, everything is imposed on them and they leave little free rein to create their own way of acting. As adults they will be rigid, very normative and excessively self-demanding people.
On the contrary, people who have not been denied anything in childhood, have little tolerance for frustration and therefore impose their criteria, lack empathy, find it difficult to accept other opinions and are anarchic people who tolerate poorly. the rules wherever. Therefore, they will be people with a tendency towards spontaneity but perhaps with difficulties in self-regulation (knowing when to be spontaneous and when to control yourself), maintaining friendships, relationships or even a job.
Therefore, we can deduce that there is it is necessary to say no to children in a balanced way to ensure that they grow with self-esteem, with self-demand but without overflowing, creative, able to be spontaneous and accept the rules and ways of functioning in both personal and work relationships.
Thus, it can be said that we must learn to say no to children. But for these to be effective, using the word ‘no’ can be counterproductive. When someone forbids us something we feel an uncontrollable desire to contradict them or disobey. We don’t like the negative even though it is one of the first words that we learn as babies and we apply it constantly.
How can you say no to children in a positive way?
I explain this to your children, but in reality it can be applied to anyone in any field. Enter the word ‘no’ in a sentence can make the person, far from listening, become defensive and try to disobey or end up throwing a tantrum. This word, which is very sharp and direct, must be left for really important actions, such as when the child is in danger or when what he has done is serious. For everything else, learning to set limits without saying the word ‘no’ is the best way to ensure that they grow up healthy:
1. Turn the phrase into a positive one
This task is very complicated for those who do not usually do it, but you have to try to construct the sentences in positive instead of negative. For example: “don’t touch that plant” can be translated as “let’s play here, better.” It seems very difficult but if you practice every day, you can achieve it. mark limits without using the negative.
Many times parents begin to say no to children without explaining why or they give such a long explanation that the children do not listen. Knowing why they can’t do something is important, since they will learn that the refusal is not just because, but rather has an explanation.
3. Use an appropriate tone of voice in each case
Sometimes there is a tendency to say no to children in an overly aggressive manner, shouting or using a sharp tone from the first warning. That may work for us at first, when the child is scared, but the tendency is for children to get used to that way of functioning and when we really need to raise our voice, they do not obey, thus leaving us without resources. Therefore, we must say no to children with a soft voice, but that does not mean that we allow the child to do what he wants or we are more lax, but rather that we mark without being aggressive.
4. Make use of the consequences, avoid being a barking dog
Avoid inconsequential verbiage. If you see that you son does not obey, You might lose your temper. Instead he resorts to consequences. Warn in advance what is going to happen if they obey, give them several opportunities, highlighting how many you are going to give them, and obviously, fulfill the promised consequence. It’s no use saying what’s going to happen if it doesn’t really end up happening. The child knows that everything will remain in words and the rectification will be null and void. For example: “it’s time for dinner, stop playing the game and come to the table”, if you see that he doesn’t obey “I’m going to tell you at most two more times, if you come before three times then we’ll play together for a while”; and if you count to three and he hasn’t come, “you’re left without playing together” (and it’s true). As you can see, they say no but instead of with a punishment, with a reward if the behavior change is made. Thus, if there is no change, he will be left without a reward but it is better to avoid punishment on any occasion.
In psychology we sometimes use this technique to get the person to do something we want and feel that they are choosing, that is, that they are not being forced to do anything. So, for example, if you want your child to eat some vegetables, you can say: “What do you want to eat more, green beans, spinach omelet or stuffed zucchini?” This way, he will feel that he decides but he will be eating some vegetables, which is your goal.
Now you can start practicing these ways to say no to children in a positive way, both with your children and with adults. The most difficult thing is to maintain it over time. It is a learning process, so try to be consistent and put it into practice every day and you will see the results very soon.
The importance of saying no to children
Raising a child is not an easy task, especially when trying to set limits on what they should do and what they should not. Anger and tantrums are usually a relatively frequent response, but it is essential to learn to say “no” calmly and reason this attitude so that the child is also aware of his own growth process and feels safe as he gains more autonomy. . When these restrictions cannot be established or cannot be say no to children, it is important to combat the root of the problem and go to a child psychologist as soon as possible. Educating children is a very difficult task since it is the stage where the most decisive traits of their personality are forged.
