Experiencing emptiness and loneliness, in one of its aspects, is the product of an inability to relate to the world from my own truth and with the certainty that I am the owner of a space large enough that I call my own territory which I have decorated according to my taste, under my standards, which I have dreamed of and today it has flourished.
We all long to get there, but along the way we get lost making transactions with others to take care of us, to accompany us, so that their presence reminds us that we are not alone, and that is how we enter spaces that drain us, because we surrender too much. There is another side to this wound, that of not being from my truth and it is the hardening that leads to the conclusion that I can do everything alone, that it doesn’t matter, we can always solve it, but there are moments where the emotional strength is not the same.
I have been talking to you about two places that women inhabit, one is emotional dependence on another where I leave myself aside, which begins to drain my energy and my ability to choose myself; and on the other hand there is the position of hyper-independence where the other is a hindrance or something with which I do not want to relate, but deep down there is a deep desire for connection, but it is stopped by the fear of being hurt and betrayed.
Both positions in a moment of crisis usually create problems for us when we put our emotional stability in a single link or several links and this is missing, we feel that the world is ending, and on the side of hyper-independence What we can find is a desert and desolate panorama that puts us in front of a feeling of loneliness and emptiness that does not feel comforting.
In neither case is there a true support network to hold our back, it is much more valuable to know that you are taking charge of something and at the same time you are being supported by a network of beings who are there accompanying you just for the fact of be you, who are making their listening and time available to you, to get there it is important to first diagnose what position we are in if we relate from those shortcomings that move us towards anxious attachment where I cannot be without the other and I need them in too much, or I am from the avoidant attachment of not allowing myself to receive and share intimacy with the other.
That as a first step to know what I should begin to heal, and in a second moment open myself to the possibility of building a true support network, which is in my experience the most valuable antidote to begin to heal the sensations of emptiness and pain, but to do so I must allow myself to be vulnerable not only when I am in a moment of crisis where I am desperately seeking that support.
My intention with this article is not to prepare you for the catastrophe, but to give you tools in those moments when the outlook becomes dark because crossing this tunnel with tools is not the same as doing it from a feeling of helplessness and rootlessness, this will make the processes take much longer, the assimilation will be slow or there will even be severe damage to our mental and physical health, since the Moments of difficulty bring us face to face with the importance of updating the way we satisfy certain needs.
I will explain this using Maslow’s pyramid, which talks about five key needs for human beings to achieve self-realization: the first of them has to do with survival, this includes being able to breathe, access to food, having a home, etc. . This is followed by physical security, having a job, having resources, having access to a family or home. Subsequently, there are affiliation needs, those where we require friendship, affection, and intimacy. These first three needs are essential to be satisfied so that we can access other levels or needs that are unlocked when the previous ones are in balance.
The following needs begin to open the path to self-realization, here is the need for recognition, which includes what I think of myself, if I feel confident in myself and in my environment, if I feel respected and if I have access to personal success, and Finally, there is the need for self-realization, which is a higher degree of consciousness, connecting us to a vital purpose that allows us to be spontaneous, build our own values, free ourselves from the prejudices that keep us blocked and feel capable of solving problems. the problems that arise.
The importance of a support network
A support network will not only allow us to challenge a situation that is difficult to digest, allowing us to deal more safely with stressful situations and helping to improve our mental health, but they are key in the processes of personal self-realization, since in By interacting with others I can develop all those skills and a sense of confidence to launch myself towards my dreams and also take the necessary actions. That network is made up of friends, family, acquaintances, colleagues, etc.
However, it varies over time depending on our current needs, so I consider that an important aspect is to be able to have a diverse support network, and especially one made up of people who have similar life values to you. , that there is affinity in the way of seeing the world, because It will help us stay in touch with what I call our pack or tribe, that is, a circle of which we are part and to which we feel rooted.
Unfortunately this does not always happen in family ties for different reasons, it has not been a safe space, in these cases the most important thing is not to seek to exclude ourselves but to recognize the place where we come from and become aware of the importance of expanding our radar to come into contact. with other packs that help us nourish that need for belonging and warmth of the familiar, there is a story by Clarissa Pinkola Estés in the book women who run with the wolves where the story of the ugly duckling who was rejected by his mother and son is resignified. family because he looked and looked different from the rest of the group, his mother tried to protect him until social pressure won, which somehow forced the duckling to leave, and begin his exile, going from place to place looking for love, knocking on the door in the wrong places that only reminded him of his rejection wound (despair dulls our true essence).
As I told you at the beginning, a true support network or quality links are those where we do not have to turn off or hide who we are just for fear of being abandoned. Every time you find yourself doing this in front of a link it is because you are. nurturing in the wrong way and it is distancing you from the true connection with yourself and from your intuitive psyche, the one that shows you the clues of where yes and where no. Always playing at being the good girl to receive love is very dangerous, it malnourishes us and constantly feeds this feeling of loneliness and emptiness.
The game of “I can do it alone” creates a wall of ice between your needs and the places and links where you can obtain what you want, which is why it is so dangerous to turn off the intuitive feeling of giving me what I need, because the symptom of emptiness and depression appears. loneliness. Added to this is that the disappointments of the past can lead us to conclude that in the future everything will remain the same. As hard as it may seem to maintain faith that we will reach those places is vital, it is important to continue cultivating that illusion in our hearts to take the necessary actions, the key will always be to move and not give in to the thoughts of failure and disappointment that come. to distract ourselves says Clarissa: “it is never a mistake to look for what one needs. Never”.
It may be uncomfortable to feel the sensation of rejection, exile or loneliness, but let’s remember that a coal under pressure results in a precious stone, stop behaving like a duckling when in reality you are a swan, stop being submissive and start taking out your true claws, to take care of you, knowing your true identity. It is not a pretty thing to go through these processes, but I assure you that they strengthen the psyche to unsuspected levels, therefore, my recommendation remains: look for the links that can really accompany you to live this process of transforming your darkness into gold, and if not You know how to do it.
If you have never been taught to identify what it is like to connect with that tribe, seek help and start building that skill now, establish your own intimacy thermometer, not all the beings around us can show our vulnerability, perhaps we can only share a bit, but remember that this is a deep need of the being, to self-realize and this is only possible by making contact with our wild psyche, the one that has the treasures of authenticity, of our own values, of entering or building a mold to my true measure. and from there relate without falling into dependency or hyper-independence.
