This Is The Fear Of Not Having Control (of Oneself Or Relationships)
Within our nature as human beings, there is the need to feel that we have our life under control. This sensation helps us feel safe and promotes psychological well-being.
However, when this need for control becomes an emergency or an essential condition for our peace of mind, it can wreak havoc on both our personal relationships, our work life and the quality of life in general.
In order to know what a person feels with fear of not having control We must first know what the need for control is and what psychological implications it has.
By “need for control” we understand the person’s need to understand what surrounds them in order to be able to exert an effect or power over it. As well as the urgency he feels to determine a series of results or consequences before they occur.
In cases where this feeling of control is threatened by chance because the situation does not depend on the person or because others are making the decisions, it is possible that the person experiences a series of negative emotions such as frustration and anger, which force them to carry out behaviors of domination, extortion or criticism.
In these cases, a mechanism known as “control motivation” is launched. Driven by the motivation to control, the person can react in two different ways: on the one hand, psychological reactance may appear, through which the person makes even greater efforts to try to control an uncontrollable situation; or it can be generated a feeling of helplessness in which attempts to dominate disappear.
Although generally the tendency to plan things or prepare them in advance is considered positive and truly effective in achieving our objectives, when this tendency is taken to the extreme and becomes a necessity, it can interfere with our daily lives.
What is the cause of this fear?
The excess need for control is usually caused by the fear of not having it. Although the exact causes of this fear of not having control have not yet been determined, there are some theories that relate it to personality or the experience of traumatic events in the past.
One of these theories hypothesizes that on many occasions, under the fear of not having control of the situation is an irrational fear of being at the mercy of other people. The cause of this fear of depending on others may have its origins in traumatic events in which the person felt helpless or vulnerable.
Past experiences of abuse, abandonment or neglect can cause the person to disproportionately seek to regain the feeling that everything in their life is under control.
However, there are several factors that can play an important role in influencing the person’s need for control, causing it to be accentuated disproportionately. These factors are:
What are people with a high need for control like?
Although at first glance people who are afraid of losing control of their lives, or who simply have the constant need to feel that they have it, tend to seem like strong and confident people; The reality is that behind this appearance hides a certain fragility, as well as a great vulnerability to the idea or the fear that there are certain things that cannot be controlled which occur regardless of what one desires.
People with a tendency to control everything around them experience great fear of the appearance of sudden and unforeseen events, since their ability to be spontaneous or improvise is not well developed.
Furthermore, another of the characteristics that define these people is the feeling that others depend on them. your ability to manage the events that occur on a daily basis. So this feeling of responsibility can become a powerful stressor.
What types of control exist?
There are countless ways in which people can attempt to take control of both their environment and other people. These people exercise a kind of dominance in their intimate relationships, in the family, work or social environment.
1. Need for control over oneself
When the person experiences an excessive fear of not having control of your life can carry out the following behaviors:
2. Need for control over others
Some examples of behaviors carried out by these people are:
How can psychotherapy help?
Addressing control problems through psychotherapy involves discovering the person’s existence of a great need for control. This point is extremely complicated, since in most cases the patient is not able to perceive this need for dominance or power.
During therapy, the patient and the psychologist work together in order to address the fear underlying this need. As well as the emotions associated with it, such as anxiety, creating a series of useful coping strategies when these appear.
This process in which the patient’s self-awareness is worked on can help him renounce the need for control.
Cognitive psychotherapy can help the person identify the true cause of the need for control: self-protection. Emotional instability and lack of options or autonomy They can lead a person to seek control over other aspects of life. Recognizing and addressing this source of discomfort will help you develop self-compassion and accept that part of yourself that needs protection.
