Assertiveness: Extending Self-esteem Into Social Relationships
Assertiveness is a communication style linked to social skills. This term is very close to that of self-esteem; it is a skill closely linked to respect and affection for oneself and others.
In this article we will better understand the relationship between assertiveness and self-esteem by differentiating between 3 types of individuals: passive, aggressive and assertive people.
The relationship between assertiveness and self-esteem
The lack of assertiveness is expressed through two extremes of the same pole, at one end are passive people, those you consider shy, ready to feel stepped on and not respected; At the other extreme are aggressive people, who step on others and do not take the needs of others into account.
Assertiveness can be understood as a path to self-esteem, towards the ability to relate to others as equals , being neither above nor below. Only those who have adequate self-esteem, who appreciate and value themselves, will be able to relate to others on the same level, recognizing those who are better in some skill, but not feeling inferior or superior to others.
The non-assertive person, whether withdrawn or aggressive, cannot have adequate self-esteem since they feel the urgent need to be valued by others.
It is rare for a person to go to a psychologist’s office suffering from a problem of lack of assertiveness. Instead, they usually report problems of anxiety, shyness, guilt , frequent arguments, poor functioning in the couple, conflicts at work or similar problems. Often an evaluation by the professional highlights a deficit in social skills, expressed in unassertive behaviors, either because the person is located at the pole of passivity or aggressiveness, or because it fluctuates between both extremes.
The types of people according to their relationship with assertiveness
Below we will talk about the passive person, the aggressive person and the assertive person, but it is worth keeping in mind that no one is purely aggressive or passive, not even assertive. People we have tendencies towards some of these behaviors , more or less accentuated, but there are no “pure types.” For this reason, we can exhibit some of these behaviors in certain situations that cause us difficulties, while in others we can react in a completely different way.
The passive person does not defend personal rights and interests. Respect others, but not yourself.
It is characterized by social behavior marked by a low voice volume, speech is not very fluent, and may be blocked or stuttered. She rejects eye contact, looks down, her body posture is tense, she shows insecurity about knowing what to do and/or what to say, and she frequently complains about other people because she doesn’t feel understood or because others take advantage of her.
The thought pattern is of “sacrificed” people who try at all times to avoid bothering or offending others, feel a deep need to be loved and appreciated by everyone and often feel misunderstood, manipulated or not taken into account.
The emotions they usually feel are helplessness, guilt, anxiety and frustration. They have a lot of mental energy but it is not expressed physically, they can feel anger but they do not express it and sometimes they do not even recognize it to themselves. This pattern of behavior usually leads to loss of self-esteem and sometimes loss of appreciation from other people (which they need so much and constantly seek).
Passive behaviors make other people feel guilty or superior because, depending on what the other person is like, one may have the constant feeling of being indebted to the passive person or you may feel superior to it and able to take advantage of it. Somatic problems are also common (gastritis, contractures, headaches, skin problems…) since the great psychological tension they suffer from denying themselves ends up expressing itself in the body.
In some cases these people have excessive outbursts of aggressiveness , placing itself at the other pole. These outbursts can be very uncontrolled and are the result of the accumulation of tensions and hostility that eventually boil over.
Excessively defends personal rights and interests without taking into account those of others: sometimes he does not really take them into account and other times he lacks the skills to face certain situations.
In his manifest behavior we observe a raised tone of voice, sometimes his speech is not very fluent because it is hasty, he speaks sharply, interrupts, can insult and/or threaten. He has a tendency to counterattack.
Eye contact is challenging , his face expresses tension and invades the other’s personal space with his body posture. At the level of thought, these individuals believe that if they do not behave in this way they are excessively vulnerable, they place everything in terms of win-lose and may harbor ideas such as “there are bad and vile people who deserve to be punished” or “it is horrible.” “That things don’t turn out the way I would like them to.”
They often feel increasing anxiety and their behavior leads them to loneliness and feeling misunderstood. They may feel frustrated and guilty. Self-esteem is low, hence the constant belligerence (it is a defense). They feel very honest and transparent because they express what they feel, but by doing so out of anger or impulsivity they usually hurt others.
The consequences of this type of behavior is that these people generally cause rejection or flight from others. On the other hand, they enter a vicious circle, by forcing others to be increasingly hostile, so they reinforce this aggressiveness to defend themselves from the hostility that they themselves have provoked.
The passive-aggressive style, a mixture of the previous two, is one in which the apparently passive person He harbors a lot of resentment inside. Not having the skills to express this discomfort adequately, these people use subtle and indirect methods such as irony, sarcasm or hints, trying to make the other person feel bad but without clearly exposing themselves as those responsible.
Assertive people are those who know their own rights and defend them, respecting others, that is, They are not going to “win”, but rather “reach an agreement”.
In their external behavior, their speech is fluid, they appear confident, with direct eye contact but without challenging, their tone is relaxed, their posture is comfortable.
They express their feelings, both positive and negative, defending oneself without attacking, honestly being able to talk about their tastes or interests, being able to disagree or ask for clarifications, being able to recognize errors and without needing the other to agree with them.
As for their thought pattern, they know and believe in rights for themselves and others. Their mental schemes are mostly rational, this means that they do not allow themselves to be dominated by irrational beliefs typical of other communication styles such as the idea according to which “I must be accepted and loved by everyone” or “it is horrible that things don’t happen.” come out the way I want.”
Your self-esteem is healthy, they feel in control of their emotions they do not feel inferior or superior to others, they have satisfactory relationships with others and respect themselves.
This way of feeling and expressing themselves, of respecting themselves and others, means that they know how to defend themselves from the attacks of others, without using that same hostility. They can resolve misunderstandings and other similar situations and the people they deal with feel respected and valued, which is why these people are usually considered “good people” but not “stupid.”
A final thought
Assertiveness is a social skill and as such it can be trained, no one is born assertive and No one is condemned to be a “clumsy” or unskilled person all their life , always reacting with hostility or inhibition. Like any skill, the person who wants to develop an assertive style requires practice to improve.
