“Adolescence”. They hear this name and many want to run away. What’s happening? Why are we so intolerant of this stage? Why do we as soon as we hear this word want our children not to go through it?
Today I read something very interesting that said: “information calms” and that is that when we know what is going to happen we feel calmer because it calms our intolerance of uncertainty, we feel safer and at peace.
Therefore, it is important that we inform ourselves more and more about adolescence, if we have a family member or friend or child of a friend who is going through this stage, in order to understand them better and in this way accompany them in a more assertive way. .
So let’s start with what is expected to happen at this stage. First, it is important to know about the physical changes, because we are going to guide you through any questions you may have. Second, and the most important thing and what we want to focus on today is the psychological changes they go through such as the “famous” mood swings, We do not understand why they wake up so “bitter”, “insensitive”, “annoyed” if they are just waking up. Did they fight in their dream?
It seems very strange to us that they wake up in a bad mood, they can’t even say good morning to us and if we ask them if they are going to have breakfast, they get even more upset. Mood swings are related to a lack of control over impulses and emotions; they feel something and don’t know how to handle it, and even more so if the emotion overwhelms them. For example, if they feel anger, they still cannot stop, breathe and relax, they often act under the impulsiveness of the moment, which is why it is difficult for them to self-regulate easily.
So if we know this first characteristic of adolescence we can understand that it is not personal and that is the first recommendation I give you: do not take it personally, that is, it is not against you, it is part of the changes you are going through. (lack of emotional self-regulation) so if your children put on a “bad face”, it is not because you. She is a bad mother, or because she has done something to her, her son is not being able to manage the emotion she is feeling.
The above is related to the emotional instability typical of age, they are moody in the morning and sad in the afternoon, and then happy, they are very intense with their emotions, the drama accompanies them and it seems as if they were living a televisa soap opera. Therefore, it is vital that we understand what is important to them, although our rational mind tells us “how is that going to be so important in someone’s life, there are things that are really worth it, not that” remember that we are dealing with teenagers, For those who are important, for example: that they invite them to parties, that their best friend continues to choose them as their best friend, that they do not change her for another friend, that the boy they like has asked them out, how many likes I had in my last photo.
While we may be thinking about how to pay the rent, how to afford medicine, how to regulate taxes, we have to get down to the level of what for them in the here and now is their priority, and that is that everyone at some point We have been teenagers, and we have cared more about whether I have the cell phone of the year than if there is enough to eat. So if your daughter is suffering very strong pain because her favorite singer is not coming to Peru, it is understandable.
Understandable, it does not mean allowing it. And many times parents confuse respectful parenting with spoiling, and they are completely different terms, Just because you understand the characteristics of your teenager does not mean that you allow them to be disrespectful, to do whatever they want, to insult, hurt and harm others “because they are having a bad time”, no, that is not what I am proclaiming.
Advice from Psychology
What I propose with my more than 12 years of professional experience with adolescents and their parents is that adults teach their children by example to self-regulate all the characteristics of their age, which are not allowing them to adapt to the rules. of coexistence at home, at school and at the society where they live.
For example, You can intervene in this way: “I understand that you are very upset, I understand that you are having a bad time, I am going to be here to listen to you, hug you, accompany you or simply be here in silence, I am going to be here for whatever you need, but not for “If you hit me and insult me, I will accompany you with your anger, respecting what you feel to the extent that you also respect my emotions, and when I feel that you are not respecting my emotional world, I will make decisions such as stopping offering you my company.” (I explain all of this in a calm and calm manner). If we act with screams, desperation, punishments, we are acting out of anger just as they do, and then how do we ask them to self-regulate if we ourselves do not do it?
Another characteristic of the stage of development in which they are found is the first love, they “love” in such a passionate way that they believe it is the love of their life, and that they will not be able to find a better man/woman than him. /she have everything, who didn’t dream that that love would be forever? So let’s understand that they are two little people who are under the effects of oxytocin and that they need us to guide them so that they do not fall into emotional dependence and can learn about love and relationships.
“What do you know?” Yes, they think they own the truth, they think they know everything and that we are the “boring and old-fashioned” ones. Mom and dad repeat the same instructions over and over again but they don’t listen and when Another strange person comes and tells them exactly the same thing, they comment “if only someone had told me.”
Therefore, it is very important that adolescents receive psychological support, because sometimes “they do not listen to their parents” and they do listen to a third person for more than 12 years I have accompanied adolescents to go through this stage in a harmonious way and their parents to accompany them with wisdom and also with emotional self-regulation, because sometimes “they can’t take it anymore”, so I invite you to book an appointment with me so we can delve deeper into your case.
If you’ve come this far, go hug your teenager, maybe he’s not having a good time, it’s not easy to feel an emotion so strongly and your prefrontal cortex is not yet developed to be able to help you plan, organize and make better decisions.
