The Causes Of Dysfunctional Self-demand In The Family
Self-demand is a positive personal characteristic as long as it is presented in a balanced way, that is, as long as reasonable and achievable objectives are set for the individual.
The ability to demand oneself is influenced by biological factors, but also environmental factors, with the family being one of the social systems that contributes the most to the development of subjects. For this reason, depending on the parenting style or the teaching method to which we have been exposed, it is likely that we will show a greater or lesser degree of self-demand. And in some cases, the influence of fathers and mothers contributes to us developing a mode of dysfunctional self-demand, which brings us more problems than benefits.
A phenomenon closely linked to dysfunctional self-demand is excessive perfectionism, which leads us to seek to be the best without ever having enough or recognizing or appreciating our achievements. This mode of behavior can lead to psychological effects such as generalized anxiety or depression.
In this article we will talk about how dysfunctional self-demand is linked to the family environment today.
Self-demand consists of the ability to set goals and fight to achieve them, thus achieving self-improvement. So, this is considered a good personality characteristic as it helps the individual to improve and achieve his goals. The problem arises when these demands on oneself appear in excess or are disproportionate.
People have limits both linked to our capabilities and abilities and related to our bodily functions; we need to satisfy basic needs such as sleep. The capacity for self-demand drives us to continue, but we may set irrational goals, impossible to achieve, that interfere with our functionality and end up harming us.
We see how there is a fine line between generating positive effects and having negative repercussions, as in most situations excesses are bad, we should not fall into the trap of wanting to be perfect.
Its relationship with perfectionism
Today’s society requires individuals to be the best and continually improve themselves. This thought influences the subject, generating the belief that they must be perfect and that nothing is ever enough. The main problem is that perfection does not exist, for this reason it is common for a feeling of frustration to appear in the person, thus affecting their state and their life.
To improve and achieve the desired results it is necessary to try and fail. We mean that, especially when we are starting out in something, when we are learning, trial and error is normal, that is, we need to make mistakes to know what we must modify to achieve our objectives. Thinking that everything works out the first time doesn’t make sense and doesn’t help us stay motivated to improve.
Wanting to improve is positive as long as the goals to be achieved are realistic, since if not, we will not be able to satisfy them and, therefore, we will never be happy nor will we be able to reward ourselves for it. Excessive self-demand and perfectionism can lead to effects on the subject’s state, even generating pathologies such as anxiety, mental and physical exhaustion, stress or depression.
Self-demand in the family environment
Being a personality characteristic, self-demand can appear in any social area of the individual’s life.
The family system is considered a primary group, which is defined as a small group of not many subjects and who have a strong connection between them, that is, one member of the group exerts influence on another and vice versa. Thus, we can observe self-demand in the different members of the family, both in parents and children. We see how self-demand does not only arise in adulthood but we can also observe it in children.
As with most personal traits, its presence is influenced by both biological and environmental aspects. In other words, the subject will already have a genetic predisposition to self-demand, but it will also influence and depend on the influence received from the outside, such as It is the social environment that surrounds you. Therefore, learning does influence.
Causes of excessive self-demand in the family
Correctly exercising the different care and parenting roles in the family is not easy.; We are not born knowing how to be parents or behaving like exemplary children. For this reason it is normal that we do not always perform our functions optimally. Thus, we will see behaviors of dysfunctional self-demand both in parents (who set the goal of being the best at educating their children) and in children (who seek to be exemplary children).
Being a father or mother is one of the most important roles that a subject performs, being considered one of the most complex roles. Before having the child, it is normal for parents to have a thought or have an idea of how everything will happen, how they will be as parents and what their child will be like. They want everything to be perfect, to be the best at everything, but to achieve this goal. it is impossible.
Here we will see how self-demand arises in the family environment, both due to problematic parenting and social relationship dynamics and by influencing them.
1. Wants to be perfect
As we have already advanced, one of the causes of demanding oneself excessively is wanting to be perfect in everything. If we set impossible goals that are far from our possibilities and capabilities, it will be impossible for us to achieve them and the results will never seem sufficient to us.
We see this perfectionism in parents when they want to be the best, not only in the family environment but also at work, in the group of friends… and in children who want to become the perfect child, in the same way in different areas. such as family, school, extracurricular activities…
2. He always compares himself to others
Comparing oneself is a very common behavior that does not bring anything good to the individual, since most of the time we tend to focus on the traits or characteristics where the other person stands out and surpasses us, valuing only the result and not taking into account the process that has occurred. done by the other subject to achieve that goal, nor what their abilities are. That is, they decontextualized the comparison without taking into account essential variables that justify the differences.
These comparisons can be shown by parents, who evaluate their behavior taking into account that of other parents. We live in a social environment and, therefore, it is normal to have influence from other people; But we must not forget that each one of us is different and that the behaviors or ways of acting that work well for some do not have to work for everyone, there are different forms of parenting that are all equally valid.
In children we can also observe a tendency to compare themselves with other children, whether they are schoolmates or siblings. In the same way, this corporation does not benefit them either, since their circumstances may not be the same as those of the other child and create in them a feeling of inferiority where they are continually demanding improvement in characteristics or variables that are not their own, in instead of focusing on working on your own skills.
These comparisons can also be external, that is, it may be another individual who makes the comparison, such as the mother in the case of children or a friend in the case of parents.
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3. Overly demanding and restrictive parents
As we have already said, self-demand is also developed by external influence, so if our parents have been or are very demanding and strict with us, it is likely that we will end up adopting this need to do everything well and always achieve everything. It is common to observe that parents who are demanding are because they themselves have had very demanding parents, that is, the pattern is repeated. Likewise, it is common for very self-demanding children to receive very strict upbringing.
4. He does not recognize his achievements
In families with a high degree of self-demand there is a tendency to only consider and highlight the things that are done wrong and must be improved, for this reason it is common to observe punishment or self-punishment. On the other hand, the positive behaviors and results achieved by the subjects are not valued; they are considered something normal that should not be highlighted and, therefore, no reward or prize will be received for it. They will always live thinking about the future about what they must achieve and will not enjoy what they have already achieved.
Sometimes we observe that self-demand appears as a need to be recognized and valued positively by others, by the people around us, in this case by our family members. Likewise, excessive demand directed at oneself will have the final objective of obtaining external reinforcement. We see how there are families that reinforce the need to like others more than to like themselves. In this way, the self-demand linked to receiving the approval of my family members increases.
6. Only highlight negative results
It is not strange that in the family environment only negative aspects or variables stand out. That is, we can observe how parents pay much more attention to what the child does wrong, pointing out everything that needs to be improved. In the same way, reproaches can also appear between the couple only taking into account when the other acts badly.
It seems that they do not teach us to value what we do well and only highlight the bad things. This behavior, contrary to what we expect, does not help progress and development, since it can generate in the individual a feeling of frustration, of doing everything wrong and, as a result, excessive self-demand for never being enough.
7. Everything is black or white
The conception that things are good or bad is a fairly common thought in self-demanding people and is acquired mainly from our family environment. It is taught not to contemplate intermediates “either it is well done or it is bad”, “either you are good at something or you are bad”. Thus, it is common to develop excessive self-demand to be the best, since otherwise it will mean being bad.
8. Does not tolerate mistakes
As we already pointed out, error is not bad, nor does it mean failure, it is part of a progress that we must make in order to achieve achievements. In families where mistakes are not allowed, it is normal for its members to develop a dysfunctional self-demand, always trying to do things well and not conceiving or tolerating making mistakes or something going wrong, this fact will also lead to frustration.
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