For some people, ending a marriage is a relief, a source of happiness. But in many cases, this experience is painful; and not only painful, but also goes hand in hand with a lack of references about what to do next.
The latter is what happens when the breakup or divorce is experienced as grief: in the same way as one suffers when losing a family member or friend, The end of our marriage gives rise to a sense of loss capable of producing strong anguish, as well as the challenge of adapting to the loss of the project and way of life associated with that union with another person. Recovering from it is painful, but it is by no means impossible.
5 keys to keep in mind to rebuild your life after a divorce
Each case is unique and there are no infallible recipes that will work in all cases; That’s what psychotherapy is for, to provide personalized treatment adapted to the needs of each person. However, the key ideas that you will find below can be useful to begin to put together the structure of what a life will be like having overcome the divorce or breakup.
1. Don’t try to eliminate those memories, but don’t spend the day feeding them
To adapt to life after a divorce, we must find a balance between not avoiding the memories of our married life, on the one hand, and focusing on the incentives that the present and the future present to us, on the other. other.
If you try to block the memories and thoughts linked to your marriage, not only will you not succeed, but you will give them more strength. and importance, by being alert in case they appear in your consciousness. And if you dedicate yourself to recreating over and over again what happened in your married life, it will take a long time to overcome the grief.
2. Don’t obsess over what could have been
These kinds of ideas only serve to act as a magnet for intrusive thoughts. associated with guilt. Once we have started to feed these fantasies, it is very easy for one to call out the next, with the consequent emotional exhaustion. In addition to causing us suffering, it predisposes us to constantly remember everything related to marriage, which goes against the previous recommendation.
3. The commitment is over: act accordingly
It is important to maintain independence and defend one’s dignity as individuals in all contexts, including marriage. However, when you are part of a relationship, there are a series of commitments that we cannot ignore and that make it a responsibility to take the other person’s interests into account.
With the breakup, empathy is still important, but most of those commitments disappear; It is the other side of the coin. Therefore, it is important that you do not remain with the bad thing of living locked in the nostalgia of that union that ended and with the bad thing of believing that you must behave like that person’s husband or wife without being one (and without living together or have that close treatment from before). That will only cause frustration and lead you to accumulate resentment, seeing that you receive nothing in return for those sacrifices.
4. If you have small children in common, do not forget that their well-being is a priority
Even in times as painful as the divorce crisis, the well-being of young children must be ensured. But the good thing about this is that In practice, this role of father or mother helps to give direction to one’s life during those confusing weeks..
The upbringing and education of children, as well as the experience of giving and receiving love and affection, constitute a source of incentives and enriching experiences that remind us that life is made up of many more things than that marriage that we have left behind.
5. Respect your ex’s space
Nursing grudges not only harms the other person through your hostility; it also harms you in the form of discomfort, obsessive thoughts, fear of showing one’s own vulnerabilities, etc. Even if that person caused you harm or was unfair to you, it is better to focus on other things than to actively participate in “fighting” them.
Do you need professional psychological support?
If you are thinking about starting a psychotherapy process to overcome an emotional crisis due to divorce or any other experience related to loss, I invite you to contact me. I am a psychologist with a consultation in Seville and I offer in-person and online sessions by video call.
