When The Children Get Married And The Family Home Is Empty
When couples get married they begin the adventure of marriage; With great enthusiasm they dare to dream, create common projects, enjoy each other as a couple and sometimes wait for the great moment of the arrival of the children at home. With great excitement they begin the path of raising this new creature. Many fears, worries and new needs arise, but little by little everything is resolved.
These are the magical moments that couples who attend consultations remember because “their babies” became independent by leaving home and now they don’t know what to do. What usually happens is that They have been living for their children for more than twenty years, so the moment in which they become independent can be a hard blow.; An incredible sadness and loneliness overcomes them. When children marry, the family nest becomes empty and few things remain the same.
These fathers and mothers want the best for their children and support them, but inside they feel like they are fading from pain. “I sit on her bed and start crying. “Now what am I going to do?” says the father days after the wedding of his only daughter.
It is the expected moment, as such and as the father recognizes, and he feels happy for his daughter’s partner, but he is aware of the rearrangements that they will have to make at home, since the experiences will not be the same. It is time for family reorganization, to achieve new stability.
That is why I consider it important to provide information about this new stage that couples are going through, and especially about Empty Nest Syndrome, as well as give recommendations for dealing with it.
Couples go through different stages, and in each one both members must rearrange their expectations, desires, and needs so that together they can move forward and feel satisfied in said union. In general, when children are at home, parents’ priority focuses on their well-being: providing them with affection, values, food, shelter, shelter, study, fun, etc. Therefore, parents spend much of their time striving to fulfill this role.
Unfortunately, on many occasions, they forget that before becoming parents they were people and then a couple; therefore, They consider that their only duty is to be parents and their life revolves around their “great loves”.
A definition
Before continuing, let’s clarify what we mean when we talk about Empty Nest Syndrome.
It not only refers to physical separation, but also to emotional distancing based on “not depending or being subservient to parents”, either because the children begin a relationship or for reasons of independence or studies.
Symptoms that may appear when children leave home
The Empty Nest Syndrome to which we refer here is absolutely linked to the event of separation of children. Among the main symptoms are:
Some variables in the expression of the syndrome
The reactions are not usually the same in terms of intensity, since they depend on factors such as the type of relationship that was maintained with the child, the personality or the emotional resources available at the time; Much of this is mediated by the support that spouses can offer each other..
Women more easily express their discomfort and seek professional help. Men, due to their social role, have a harder time externalizing their discomfort, which is expressed through somatic complaints.
Empty Nest Syndrome and diagnostic manuals
It is important to mention that this syndrome lacks diagnostic foundation in psychiatry manuals.
However, it is frequently heard today in clinical consultation. At first couples focus on the “gone of their children”, little by little they realize the abandonment of themselves and most likely of their partner, therefore, the recovery process begins with this essential point.
To do?
The objective is Be clear about your goals, projects, hobbies, friendships, family, among othersas well as dedicating the necessary time and space to the couple and allowing an environment to be generated where the children can make “their flight” without generating a significant imbalance in the parents.
In those situations where the couple maintains a healthy relationship, but one or both parents are going through this situation, they are given a series of recommendations to more easily assimilate the new dynamic:
1. Work on self-esteem
Many times the couple places all their hopes and expectations in the role of parents, that is, in the formation of good human beings, and nothing is contemplated beyond that work. Therefore, when children no longer need them to make decisions or simply undertake their own projects on their own, a huge vacuum is generated.
For this reason, Empty Nest Syndrome can cause a feeling of worthlessness to appear that reduces self-esteem.
2. Focus your attention well
Many times people only focus on the losses they are going through, without paying attention to the gains. When a child leaves home it is because he is prepared to assume, with his own resources, his life, which will bring with it many benefits or opportunities. Therefore, it is worth channeling new needs in a positive way. In short, tackle new projects.
People have many abilities and virtues that they can put at the service of others. Starting volunteering, community work, charity work, counseling, can be options in which to redirect your potential and energy, or some work that generates income but at the same time can be therapeutic.
3. Express your own feelings
It is healthy for parents to express their pain, since they are going through a grieving process that they will gradually overcome. Therefore, it is normal for them to visit their children’s room or belongings and, if necessary, cry to release their pain. It is a moment of very personal emotional reflection.
Children begin a new stage in which they will also need things from their parents, but from a different position. It is very important that parents adjust to the new needs of their children.which can be just as important as when they were at home.
5. Get rid of stress
Parents often spend a lot of time raising their children worried about their well-being and are predisposed to be worried, but now unnecessarily. Even without meaning to, they transmit these worries to their children, which is harmful.
That is why it is necessary to learn to relax, first by detecting those negative or irrational thoughts that generate worries, and then by practicing physical exercises and, if necessary, meditation.
6. Live a second honeymoon
Having more free time is a good opportunity to enjoy time with your partner and to look for new activities that both of you like: Going out to eat, practicing alternative sports, visiting new places, etc.
If you no longer have a partner, it may be the best time to meet new people, go out with friends and share moments with the rest of the family.
A final consideration
The most important thing to keep in mind is that parents do the wonderful job of doing what is necessary so that their children can become independent.
Although it may hurt at first, adjusting to the new situation is the most appropriate and beneficial, since no father or mother would like to see their children back home because they were not prepared for the world. Therefore, There are reasons for fathers and mothers to feel happy and proud both for their work and for the effort their pupils are making putting the teacher’s teachings into practice.
