Punishments: When the Solution Becomes the Problem

Punishment is one of the most used educational tools both in the family and at school. Punishments are often seen as a quick way to correct behavior. However, Behind this apparent solution lies a deeper problem: punishments do not promote learning, understanding, or emotional connection.. Instead of resolving conflict, they can create resentment, fear, and a disconnection between people.

The punishment controversy

When we punish, we send the message to the punished person that the mistake is unacceptable, instead of seeing it as an opportunity to grow and understand the consequences of their actions. Most of the time, punishment only addresses the symptom of the problem, not its root.. Thus, those who are punished learn to avoid punishment, but not necessarily to change their way of thinking or acting. At this point it should be said that the error can also come from the adult educator.

In a world where we seek more authentic and harmonious relationships, perhaps it is time to rethink certain educational tools. What would happen if instead of punishing, we focused on dialogue, connecting with values ​​and building a solution together? Perhaps we would discover that true change comes not from fear, but from understanding and empathy. This requires will and long-term vision.

The debate about the use of punishment as a disciplinary tool has been present for decades in the field of psychology and education. While some traditional currents defend punishment as a way to correct unwanted behaviors, others, such as positive parenting and conscious parenting, propose alternatives based on mutual respect, empathy and the emotional development of children and adolescents..

From my point of view, the real problem lies in the fact that many adults start from the paradigm that “he who has the power also has the knowledge.” However, nothing could be further from the truth when it comes to childhood and adolescent education. This hierarchical approach is not only limiting, but it also prevents genuine connection and mutual learning.

The new educational paradigm teaches us that, when educating, both the educator and the student – ​​or parent and child – learn from each other. It is no longer about imposing from authority, but rather about building together a process in which both transform and grow.

When adults accept that we can learn from those we educate, we put aside rigid control and open space for respect, empathy and collaboration. Educating is not just teaching, it is listening, guiding and allowing ourselves to be positively influenced by those we accompany in their development.. This approach does not weaken our authority, but rather humanizes it and makes it more effective. Because in the act of educating, we not only train others: we also train ourselves.

The impact of physical and psychological punishments

As I have already mentioned, punishment has been a widely used tool in the education and upbringing of children. However, numerous studies have shown that this approach can have negative consequences in both the short and long term.

When I talk about physical punishment I also mean “a timely slap or slap on the butt”, so established in many cultures on the planet. In the words of child psychologist and psychoanalyst Bruno Bettelheim, “punishment can achieve momentary obedience, but often at the price of suppressing the development of self-discipline and emotional understanding in children.”.

For her part, and thanks to her research on childhood, Alice Miller, a psychologist known for her work on child abuse, affirms that violence exerted on children leads to the global violence that reigns throughout the world, especially if He begins to hit and punish children in the first years of their lives, precisely at the time when their brains are being built. Even if the scandalous consequences are evident, society does not perceive them and even less takes them into account.

Now, the situation is easy to understand: Boys and girls do not have the right to defend themselves from their parents’ violence and are obliged to suppress and repress natural reactions to their parents’ aggression such as anger and anguish.. Only as adults can they unload those strong emotions on their own children, partners, or in certain cases, on entire nations.

Why don’t punishments work?

Some of the most relevant reasons why punishments are not effective include:

Positive parenting: prioritizing communication, respect and empathy

Positive parenting is an educational approach that prioritizes respect, empathy and effective communication. This model focuses on strengthening the emotional bond between the family and promoting self-regulation and autonomy of young people. Instead of resorting to punishment, positive parenting focuses on:

Positive parenting in practice

Implementing positive parenting does not mean avoiding conflict or stopping establishing rules. It’s about approaching difficulties from a place of understanding and guidance, rather than reaction and punishment. Here are some examples of how to apply this approach in everyday situations:

Compassion: a magic word in parenting

Almost 18 years ago, “There Are No Perfect Parents” came into my hands, a wonderful book by child psychologist and psychoanalyst Bruno Bettelheim, recommended by my great friend, psychologist Eva Aguilar, when my twin children were barely 2 months old. Today I can feel that reading it made a “click” in the way I approach education and my relationship with my children. I am deeply grateful to you for this recommendation that has been my inspiration, and continues to be, to accompany mothers, fathers and educators in their task of walking together.

The magic word is “Compassion”. A well-understood compassion in childhood and adolescent education is one that helps us understand their emotions, learn together from mistakes (theirs and ours), and face problems. True compassion in parenting involves being there to guide children through their difficult moments, but also allowing them to learn from the natural consequences of their actions, so that they grow in their capacity for self-regulation and responsibility..