Personal relationships and emotional ties evolve over time. Many times this means reaching a greater degree of rapport and intimacy, but in others the passing of the years only accentuates the intensity of entrenched conflicts.
The marital crisis is the consequence of many of these processes: a point at which the relationship remains stagnant and one or both members of the couple feel that the marriage has lost its reason for being.
Although everything that refers to marital crises seems to be related to emotions (and, in a way, it is), there is a logic to this emotional cyclone. These 5 keys serve to better understand what is behind these stages of stagnation.
1. When idealization fades
Our brain likes our thoughts to fit well with our emotions. That is why, in the initial stages of a relationship, excitement and sentimental frenzy are matched by beliefs about the loved one in which he or she appears idealized. All those aspects of our partner that we do not know are filled in by our imagination. with an unusually optimistic version of his personality and his abilities.
In short, during the first moments our vision of that person is very biased and affected by the neurochemical and hormonal imbalances produced by the falling in love drug. However, over time the realistic story of the other person begins to prevail, as more and more facets of them become known. This process is very rapid during the first months of the relationship, but it can also last for years and extend into the marriage stage.
The marital crisis can be understood as the moment in which the veil of idealization falls.
2. Personal evolution
Marriage relationships tend to last a long time, and in the period that they occupy, people change. This means that a marital crisis does not have to show that the marriage was unfounded at any time. It can also simply mean that one or both members have changed to become completely different people, either because of their biological maturation or because of the way in which their experiences have changed them
Furthermore, this process of change does not have to make the personalities of both people always fit together; In fact, they may become antagonistic.
3. Marriage crisis does not equal arguments
The bad thing about marital crises is not essentially summarized in the appearance of constant arguments and disputes. What defines these stages is apathy and emotional stagnation, which may or may not be accompanied by arguments.
4. Inertia
A marriage is not maintained only by the mutual feeling of love that a couple feels. There are also many other more objective elements that maintain the union: habitual coexistence with children, the circle of friends in common, the fact of living in the same house…
In short, there are times when the marital crisis is just a symptom that a relationship in which love has ended is still “alive” and is, in reality, dead, sustained only by the objective elements that surround it and that in theory they are accessories.
5. The difficulty of finding a way out
In marital crises it is very difficult to start looking for a satisfactory solution, due to several factors.
On the one hand, doing so would imply facing a series of problems that would greatly disrupt daily life: move to another home, attend couples therapy, etc.
On the other hand, asking for help through couples therapy would involve facing one’s own responsibilities in past disputes, something that not all people are willing to do, since that would imply showing vulnerability to the other person.
