Self-confidence is elusive There are areas in which we feel stronger and others in which we feel so insecure that it impacts the perception we have of ourselves.
We tend to be good at many tasks, but our mind does not stop to celebrate that, but rather to highlight those experiences where we feel the earth opening beneath our feet.
The mind works like this by default. This He doesn’t care how we feel, but that we are safe It’s a shame that this causes us to carry an internal regret that is very difficult to overcome because our lack of self-confidence makes us feel broken, insufficient, lacking and scared. How can we claim our worth when we feel this way?
Regain self-confidence
The first thing I want to tell you is that there is a lot of light at the end of the tunnel, and I know it because I was there. My awakening began when I realized that I had been trapped looking for an exit door, but that in reality the walls around me were made of cardboard. With the appropriate professional help, I was encouraged to kick the bucket and write my story the way I wanted. Let’s take layer after layer until we get to the heart of this issue.
The first layer: the gaze of the other
From a young age we learn to externalize how much we are worth We desperately seek approval from our parents, peers, teachers, and the culture in which we are immersed.
This generates great anxiety in us, because if our value depends on what others say and not on our appreciation, we are granting the most valuable thing we have to others: our security, our discernment, and our faith in ourselves.
Think about all the times you had to make a decision and you discussed it endlessly with your family and friends because you subconsciously believed that they had the right answer, but not you.
Think about the number of times you did what you were told to do or performed what was expected of you.
This is nothing more than the reflection of having given your trust and power to those around you Without knowing it, you disconnected from your own source of wisdom. Living like this is exhausting because you contort yourself in a thousand directions out of pure conformity to your environment. They say the way out is always within; It’s a shame that we often forget it and look for it outside.
The second layer: perfectionism and control
If we remove this first layer, we find another very delicate one, which is our perfectionist tendencies. This is related to the previous because there is a belief that there is a yardstick to which we must reach that ensures that we can be pristine at every level: personal, family, academic, and professional.
In my work with my clients I listen carefully as they share with me that they work hard to not fail, to avoid making mistakes, to not lose what they have, and so that others do not have them in low esteem. They do it with the illusion of controlling the things they undertake and their consequences. This reminds me of hamsters in their wheel, running but getting nowhere.
This internal dialogue hides an important scarcity mentality: I do it out of fear of losing, “I kill myself in what I do so that what I have doesn’t fall.” In reality, the answer lies in doing because it benefits me, because I enjoy it, and because I celebrate who I am and where I am going. The mentality is abundant when I know that no matter what happens, my decisive powers will get me through.
I will fall and get up with my new learning. Spot. What’s more, if we get rid of the pressure exerted by other people’s gaze it will be even easier to grasp what we want, where we need to go, and what to do.
Internal dialogue and the art of listening to ourselves
Ask yourself: When did I lose my internal compass? Who did I give it to? What does my scared self need? If my most lucid Self spoke to me, what would it say to me?
Maybe you hear that you need to pause, maybe you need to be more self-confident, compassionate, maybe you need to calm down, or maybe you need to establish healthy boundaries, among many other responses. Pay attention and take back your power.
Maintain an internal dialogue with your lights and shadows For this, embrace yourself human, start by calming down, and do what most nourishes your soul. That is the beginning of living from the inside out.
Something I often invite my clients to do is ask themselves: What would I say to the person I love most in the world if they were in my place?
As an example, I invite you to a conversation with a client who told me that he couldn’t give more of himself, but that he couldn’t stop, and that in his work they knew that he always managed to do everything. When I asked him “if this anxiety were your best ally, what would I tell you?”, his response was forceful: “stop, you’re going to crash, this is inhuman, dare to delegate.”
The third layer: the stories we tell ourselves
If we remove another layer on this topic, we find all kinds of stories that we tell ourselves that weaken and limit us How many times do we believe that by doing, accumulating achievements, and giving everything impeccably, we are going to “pass the exam of life”? And this is not for you to torment yourself, blame, or shame. On the contrary, thank the range of emotions that arise with this internal work and use that information to illuminate the places you need to heal.
With every layer you peel away, learn and build your confidence Remember that life cannot be controlled because it always brings surprises, it is unpredictable. Do your best and trust that you will know what to do when a setback happens.
Lastly, praise your emotions and spirit because they can live in a process of constant growth. One day at a time, encourage yourself to take those steps in the direction of your re-empowerment. Above all, seek to have the best possible relationship with the most important person in your life: you.
