There is decalogue of the happy couple which is used in some circles. The following exercise is an adaptation of others that I have seen in different places. Over time I have discovered that it is a good instrument to evaluate aspects of the couple’s relationship.
First of all, I usually do it with both members of the couple present, and I explain to them that it is a team effort. I like to say this because also It allows me to observe how they behave when they know they must work as a team It’s interesting and gives a lot of play. Each one must have a piece of paper and a pen to write on.
I clarify that it is about finding the 10 aspects that make a couple happy. It is clear that we have to limit it to a number, and that is why there are 10. But it can be said that in those 10 It encompasses all those aspects that studies show that couples value in their relationship and makes them happier in the relationship and on a daily basis.
Obviously, some find it more difficult and others less, and there are some aspects that most find difficult to specify, or even to consider as part of the couple’s happiness. It’s interesting for this, too. In general, they tend to agree with the criteria and recognize the value of these aspects.
This would be the first part, and the second involves individual work.
Before explaining the second part, I present the list of the decalogue.
The ten points of the decalogue
In consultation I have each aspect written on a card, and as soon as the patients reach that aspect, they describe it in one way or another, and I discard that card… We may talk too much about it, and we continue looking for other aspects… And like this, until you reach the ten points of the exercise. Sometimes I have to help them a lot, and other times I barely have to help them, or not at all. I usually give positive reinforcement for them step by step.
Sometimes, to make the exercise easier, I give them one or two aspects to whet their appetite, and so that the exercise doesn’t take so long.
The ones I give as an example are generally:
Then, I might tell them, “We only have eight left, which ones can you think of?” And we continue with the list of the decalogue…
The last two are the ones that seem to be less obvious in consultation.
Regarding admiration, the following should be clarified. In couples therapy, falling in love is not very helpful, in some cases it can be a real problem We do not consider it as something positive or necessary in the relationship. Nor do we despise it cheerfully or gratuitously, not at all.
On the other hand, admiration is essential to guarantee a good future in the couple’s relationship, even when there are important problems.
The final part: evaluation
The next part of the exercise is shorter and in it I ask you to start working individually. I give each one a pen of a different exotic color and I then ask them to rate the couple, as a team, from 0 to 10, the grade they get in each of the named aspects. Remember that both are evaluated as a whole… and write down the score next to that aspect. I give them time to think and put their notes. If it is difficult for you to understand, I will give you an exaggerated example so that you understand it.
I ask that once they finish writing their notes, they give me their pages. I look at their lists and evaluations, and give them back their partner’s so they can see how they evaluate the group. From this point, we take a joint look at all their scores and explore each aspect in relation to them. This offers us a good basis for couples therapy
The decalogue of the happy couple is only a tool, and it will depend on practice and other variables to be able to get enough benefit from it so that its execution can take a series of sessions. However, It is very useful because it gives rise to deploying many other strategies and evaluating the state of the problem
The fact that the members of the couple can evaluate their relationship as a whole is very helpful, and their way of dealing with this activity gives us a lot of information and allows the couple to be aware of the state of their relationship in each of these aspects. .
In some cases, it helps the couple begin to separate. Many others, to work in the most vulnerable areas. It offers endless possibilities, which is why I use this exercise frequently.
