“Love is an activity, not a passive affection; “It is a continuous being, not a sudden start” says Erich Fromm in his book The art of Loving.
This definition is just an example of what we can understand by love, since there are many ways to understand a phenomenon as complex as this and it is not something easy to specify. Furthermore, each person will have their particular vision of love according to their past experiences.
Given this fact, however, stands the fact that relationship conflicts seem to be not uncommon and although its origins can be diverse depending on each case, its consequences are usually very negative for most of the people who experience them.
To understand the nature of love conflicts, we must first ask ourselves how love is born Given the overwhelming number of interpretations on the subject, here we are going to focus, above all, on an approach specific to current Psychology through which we will answer the question of how love arises and evolves, why relationship problems arise and What can we do to increase satisfaction with our relationship.
The first thing of all is to ask ourselves what is happening that makes us suddenly fall so in love with that person, why we can’t stop smiling when we think of her and everything around us seems to turn pink In these initial phases we are in a state of continuous activation, attentive to each sigh of the loved person and continually thinking about them and everything that reminds us of their person. That makes us feel like we are in a cloud of perpetual happiness.
Well, we can divide that activation that we experience in the stage of falling in love into two types.
1. The biological root
On the one hand, we feel a great physiological activation due to the impulse of various chemical substances that our body produces and which could well be called “happiness drugs”, since various studies reveal that Being madly in love activates the same areas of the brain as cocaine addiction
Some of these substances are: dopamine, serotonin, oxytocin, estrogen and testosterone, each with a specific function in love.
2. The cognitive and emotional part
On the other hand, there is also a cognitive-emotional activation That is, at this stage obsessive thoughts such as: “I like it”, “I love him/her”, “it is for me” occur and various feelings such as interest and fear of rejection are mixed.
This aspect of falling in love, however, technically also belongs to the biological realm, since what happens in it is due to physical and chemical processes. However, it is easier to describe it in psychological terms.
How to address the problem of relationship conflicts?
This initial phase of falling in love exhausts itself as the months go by. This means that over the years it is no longer as obsessive a love as at the beginning, which is completely adaptive, because otherwise we would not be able to take care of our children or attend to our responsibilities as we have 24 hours a day. of the day with our partner in mind, without worrying about other things.
The love that appears after this phase is a love that is linked to the increase in the degree of long-term commitment This phase of falling in love has a strong cultural component and is affected by the uses and customs of the area in which one lives, but also by the daily habits of the members of the couple and the commitments and “contracts” they establish between them. . It is, let’s say, a more relaxed emotion and not worse than the previous one.
The confrontation stage?
It is in this second stage where couple conflicts tend to surface more easily
Many times, the germ of these problems is found in certain preconceived ideas that people have about relationships that are totally irrational. For example:
1. “Love is a feeling that is born or dies without us being able to do anything to remedy it. It doesn’t matter what we do.” This belief can be combated from the point of view that love is not something that magically comes and goes, but rather It is something that we ourselves build day by day with each of our actions
2. “Opposite characters attract.” On the contrary, There are studies that indicate that the similarity between the members of the couple is a predictor of success for this couple
3. “If you love me, you must accept me as I am, without trying to change me.” It is clear that when we fall in love with someone we fall in love with the person they are at that moment, not with the person we could become (otherwise it would be problematic). However, andThis does not mean that we cannot help our partner improve as a person and iron out those aspects of the personality that neither of them like.
4. “If you don’t take care of my needs it’s because you are selfish.” If they don’t attend to your needs it could be due to many things, for example that you have never told them what those needs you have are or that the other person has not learned to understand them. Believing that the other person should be there to provide us with what we need at all times only prepares the ground for love conflicts to appear.
5. “For a couple to get along, you have to give up paying attention to your own needs and individuality.” This is not true and giving up our individuality (for example by abandoning our old friendships) is much more harmful than beneficial, both for the couple and for each individual.
6. “We should never argue.” Regarding this topic we are also going to refer to what was found in certain studies. These indicate that the couples that show the greatest satisfaction are not those that argue the least (because normally those who do not argue are because they keep things to themselves) and neither do those who argue excessively. The happiest are those who argue in their middle ground.
7. “Living together means sharing absolutely all aspects of our lives.” Here we again refer to the fact that It is necessary that both members of the couple maintain their individuality For example, it is not necessary for both of them to have identical hobbies: on Saturday mornings he can go to martial arts class and while she goes to yoga class, or vice versa.
Extra keys to keep crises at bay
The above are some of the many irrational ideas that one can have about what a couple should be and that hinder its normal course.
But in addition to banishing these myths, There are many more things we can do to maintain love and not fall into continuous relationship conflicts These are details that apparently seem very simple and common sense (and they really are), but that many times on a day-to-day basis are not so easy to identify and put into practice. Let’s see what they are.
1. Let there be dialogue
A fundamental element for a relationship to prosper properly is the communication We must use precise vocabulary to express what we like and what we don’t, since it is a mistake to wait for the other person to guess what we need.
To express these negative aspects that we dislike about our partner We can start by saying something positive first, continue to state very specifically what the problem is and express our feelings about it, admitting our role in the problem. In this way, reaching an agreement will be easier.
2. Externalize love
It is also important give and ask for demonstrations of affection Normally, with the passage of time, we tend to think that our partner already knows that we love them, but apart from demonstrating it on a daily basis, it is essential to express it in words: say “I love you.”
3. Change of scenery
Some couple conflicts are the result of the incarnation of dynamics and routines that are harmful to both members of the couple, such as poor management of the time available to dedicate to the couple
Therefore, another thing that helps increase satisfaction is to escape from routine by making time for leisure activities, both as a couple to increase complicity and separately to maintain the rest of social relationships and not lose our individuality.
summarizing
Fundamentally we can say that Love relationships always require attention and dedication, not only in the initial phases in which it is easier due to the intense physiological, cognitive and emotional activation that we mentioned at the beginning. But if we know how to properly take care of the aspects mentioned here and those that the couple considers most relevant, the happiness we will obtain will far exceed the effort invested in it.
