Talk To Our Children About Sexuality: How And When?
One of the most important tasks is to educate our children on a topic that is not always easy to talk about, sexuality.
It is important that we provide our children with truthful, useful and concrete information (sometimes we err on the side of speaking using abstract concepts), information that, at the same time, transmits our values that help them have a healthier life. In reality, there are many moments to talk about sexuality, daily life is full of them.
Is it a good idea to talk to our children about sex?
This week, the Child Psychology team at the Mensalus Psychological and Psychiatric Assistance Institute talks to us about the importance of talking about sexuality with our children and recommends educational material of interest.
How can we start talking to our children about issues related to sexuality?
Teachable moments happen every day. Actually, these are the ones that help you converse naturally. It is common to plan “the conversation” in order to talk about everything important at once. Usually this talk is uncomfortable and artificial. Parents end up frustrated by not knowing how to approach their child and, in cases where a good connection has not been established, they feel that they have lost “the opportunity” to offer important information.
In reality, there are many moments to talk about sexuality, daily life is full of them. For this reason, talking to children about sexuality is a conversation that lasts over time; it is a topic that is too necessary in their lives to be reduced to a talk.
What can this daily communication be like? From what age can we start talking about sexuality?
Conversations about sexuality arise from questions that they ask spontaneously (after hearing a comment in class, watching a television advertisement, observing a couple on the street, etc.). It is important to start talking to our children from a very young age. They are curious about their body, they inquire about the differences between men and women, between themselves and adults, between different types of relationships, etc.
Curiosity gives us an opportunity to initiate a constructive dialogue. This information will help the child develop a healthy vision of her sexuality and that of others, which will allow him or her to care for it and respect it, two basic ingredients for promoting self-esteem.
On the other hand, we must not forget that children are prepared to receive information in accordance with their moment in life. That said, when we talk to our children about sex, the first basic point is to adapt the conversation to their age.
Overcoming taboos
In general, are parents today afraid to talk about sexuality with their children?
The inheritance received from past generations in which sexuality was a taboo subject, still takes center stage today. Parents realize the need to offer information that they did not receive, it is true, but there is a fear of not doing it well and harming the child. Doubts related to: “maybe you don’t have to know anything about all this yet” reinforce the taboo.
A space in which we talk about all this is the parent groups/school. On repeated occasions, participants express fear of conveying a wrong idea about what sex is and how sex is experienced. The fear that the information will generate some type of problem in their psycho-emotional development leads them to avoid it.
Well, the answer is the same again. Perhaps it is time to consider what the child needs (we as parents know this) leaving fear aside. There is no worse information than that which creates fear and rejection (remember the legacy of past generations). When this happens, the result is a negative experience around sex and, consequently, the direct impact on self-love.
What kind of teaching materials can help parents?
From the Child Psychology consultation we have bibliography and games that are very helpful in this psychoeducational task.
Specifically today we would like to share two titles. The first is a video called “Our Body.” This animated short is recommended for children ages 3 and up and explains the body differences between the sexes.
You can watch the video below:
The second is a book titled “Tell Me Everything: 101 Questions Asked by Boys and Girls About an Exciting Topic” by Katharina Von Der Gathen. This sexual pedagogue took out of an anonymous mailbox the handwritten notes with the questions asked by some third and fourth grade students who attended her talks on the body, love and sexuality. The most notable ones are collected in the book and answered. The result is really interesting.
What message would you like to convey to all the parents who are reading this interview?
At Child Psychology we insist on the importance of living one’s own body and sexuality naturally to help the child integrate the changes inherent to each stage from acceptance. Likewise, answering questions about such a vital topic offers the necessary security to live and respect her body (something that will later be transferred to other vital contexts).
It is necessary to provide truthful, useful and concrete information (sometimes we err on the side of using too many abstract concepts), information that, at the same time, transmits our values about sexuality. As we mentioned, all of this will facilitate making responsible decisions in the sexual field.
Likewise, we remember the importance of actively listening to the questions and explanations that children ask (sometimes it may be tempting to interrupt their speech to correct or stop). In this way we will show them interest, we will generate feedback that will encourage new conversations and we will help them explain their ideas and build a coherent discourse. Once again, your self-esteem will be reinforced by realizing that your voice matters.
