The 5 Love Languages: Which One is Yours?

Many times we talk about love as if it were an experience that everyone lives in the same way. However, believing that there is only one way to love is not taking into account how diverse personal feelings and relationships can be (couple, friendship, based on family ties…).

The truth is There are several love languages, ways to connect romantically with someone that adapt to different types of personalities and ways of living life.

What are the 5 love languages?

A friend tells you that she is going to end her relationship, since her partner “does not treat her as he should.” This is about that friend of yours whose partner keeps taking her on trips despite earning little money. You are dying of envy of the photos they upload to her Facebook, because you really like to travel; You haven’t even gone to the Alhambra in Granada with your boyfriend yet.

Your friend, however, is dying of envy of your relationship, since your boyfriend is a hopeless romantic, and according to you: “a clingy guy who talks a lot but does little”; From what you translate, he won’t love you that much. This is an example of the extent to which love bonds have many facets and ways of being interpreted.

Often, in the private sphere, people We discuss the various problems we experience as a couple Some problems are more noticeable (such as arguments in decision-making, individual manias that are not shared, etc.) than others, which go more unnoticed. And taking into account that to strengthen emotional ties and resolve conflicts it is necessary to understand the origin of these disagreements or apparent lack of compatibility, it is important to understand the different ways in which difficulties in expressing love can arise on a daily basis, and also the ways in which problems resolving conflict together can emerge in a relationship.

In this way, knowing the different love languages ​​can help us recognize the small couple crises that we may experience in a courtship or marriage, those problems so subtle that we sometimes overlook them for a long time.

According to Chapman (2009), there are 5 love languages These are different modal preferences for showing and receiving love, styles in which we most like this intersection of affection and love to take place. These can be very important for the relationship to improve substantially, not only as a couple, but also between friends, colleagues or family. Chapman highlights that each person tends to express their love and prefers to receive it in specific ways.

It is interesting to know what types of love exist, but you should know that in addition to this, we must take into account the way in which these different modalities of love are expressed and perceived, which is something different; This is the topic we will see here. Below we explain the five modalities or languages ​​of love:

1. Words

We express affection to verbalize words of encouragement, support, affection, congratulations, praise, kindness, or humility toward another. This is one of the love languages ​​in which conventional communication skills are key.

They are words that are sometimes said without thinking and have a very positive effect on the other person; increasing your self-esteem, your security and your well-being. “Almost all of us remember fleeting words that (…) marked our lives.”

It is recommended to use direct, simple and forceful phrases: “I love you very much, I really do”; “I love it when you explain things to me so well.” But above all, it is important that it be credible for the person who receives it and for this it is essential that the person who transmits it truly feels it (body expression, appropriate context).

Now, we must always remember that words are, deep down, symbolic elements Therefore, it is important that the expression of love is not reduced only to the verbal world; We must also express love with the facts, the objective actions that we carry out when interacting with people and with our environment, as we will see.

2. Quality time

We live in a hurried society that, together with the false needs created by the market (having the best car, trip, house, etc.), makes us forget what real life really means. quality time

Sharing quality time is not so much the act (a good dinner at an expensive restaurant), but rather the enjoyment of it by sharing it with our loved ones; listening and being listened to, without rushing or other distractions. There is no other objective for the person, other than to share that time with the person they love. After all, a loving relationship in which we do not have moments in common in which to open up and feel comfortable with a person, it only exists virtually and it does not fully materialize.

3. Gifts

The meaning of the gift seems to have lost value in a consumerist society: “The more gifts and the more expensive the better,” it tells us, regardless of its need or usefulness. But many of you will agree that there are gifts that express a lot of love and affection because they are made by the person themselves or bought with effort.

Therefore, for some people this type of gift symbolizes a very beautiful expression of love; The person who gives her the gift has spent time making an effort and thinking about her. On the other hand, whoever is working on making or obtaining that gift, enjoys it from the moment he has the idea, until after he has given the gift to the other, without waiting more than your smile

4. Acts of service

Try to please the person serving them or doing them favors Some people find it rewarding. Cooking, cleaning, fixing things, taking care of the heaviest tasks or traveling to distant places are acts that they perform meticulously and with a smile on their face, without expecting you to return the favor or an immediate compensatory response. “It is not a necessity or an obligation, but something that is done generously to help others.”

5. Physical contact

Is the form of simpler and more direct communication Hugging, kissing, caressing, touching, having sexual relations; They are ways of transmitting and receiving love from your partner. Furthermore, the experience of feeling skin-to-skin contact triggers changes in the way our body secretes hormones, even if we are not aware of it: we begin to produce those linked to the feeling of satisfaction, relaxation and trust in the other.

For some people, physical contact is their main language, they feel security and happiness through it; and without it they do not feel loved. “It can make or break a relationship. It can communicate hate or love.”

How to express love?

It is common for couples to come to a consultation verbalizing that they do not receive signs of love from the other (Punset, 2010). Know, identify and share the different ways of loving It is a great help; It gives us a plus for communication as a couple.

Obviously, there are multiple strategies and tasks to improve relationships, since the field of Couples Therapy is very broad. The 5 love languages ​​is one of them. Once visualized they may seem obvious, but if we think for a moment, we rarely tell the other person which one we prefer. Nobody is a fortune teller, and ignoring that the other knows it is a very common mistake between couples.

Each person has preferences for expressing one or more types of languages ​​that may or may not coincide with the reception preference. If they do not show us love through our preferred language, it is possible that we will not feel loved (Punset; 2010). Thus, to make these concepts useful, I propose meditate on them and discuss them with your partner, friends, colleagues or family (as it can also be a useful tool for those close to us):

1. Know the 5 love languages

It is important to understand the implications of the different ways of expressing love in the personal relationships that are most meaningful to us: Physical contact; Quality time; Gifts; Acts of service; and Words (explained above).

2. Identify them in ourselves

What is the way I prefer to receive love? And what is the way I prefer or usually express affection? It may be difficult to answer these questions, as well as to identify just one (there may be two). To do this, we must remember the intensity and duration of the emotion we feel when we receive different displays of affection, and the ease or frequency with which we perform these.

3. Share them

Once identified, it will be useful when you expose them to your partner; If you have any questions at the time, resolve them (the more specific the better, remember that nothing should be taken for granted); and that the other party also exposes its preferences to you.

4. Put them into practice

This section seems easy, however, it can go wrong. So you have to be patient. Each person develops in a context and gets used to it (families where hugging is a daily ritual vs. families where the members never hug).

What we see as normal is not so normal for others and changing habits is sometimes quite difficult. Therefore, you have to be patient during the change; positively reinforce the other’s effort when they perform the desired act And if they are ignoring or not doing it as we wish, explain it to them again (in a different way, through examples, etc.).

The benefits of applying love languages ​​in relationships

Knowing what the languages ​​of love are and having several examples or references about each of them helps us to have a richer and more nuanced conception of what relationships are. But in addition to this, if we move from theory to practice, it It will improve our quality of life, our emotional well-being, and the strength of emotional ties with those who are important to us.

These are the main advantages of delving into love languages ​​and applying them with our loved ones:

We can all connect emotionally with others

Finally, it is important to highlight that Every healthy person has the capacity to express the languages ​​of love, and that to a greater or lesser extent we all or almost all express it. Elsa Punset (2010) defends in her book that: “if we get our children used to giving and receiving love in all languages, tomorrow they will be able to communicate freely in all of them.”