Getting Out Of The Negative Loop With My Partner: How Can It Be Achieved?
Many variables intervene in a couple not living satisfactorily. Difficulties in coexistence, lack of communication, difficulty in defining limits, irrational and rigid expectations about love, and a long etc In any case, John Gottman, a renowned and award-winning American doctor for his studies of couples, has already pointed out a series of behaviors that, if repeated over time, will end up damaging or breaking the relationship.
These four behaviors, defined as indicators of divorce, are: criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and evasive attitude. Learning to identify and correct them is the first step to ensuring a solid foundation from which we do not lose ourselves within a relationship. Let’s see in this article each of them and how to deal with them.
Criticism, far from solving a conflict, what it manages to do is introduce feelings of inefficiency, guilt, discomfort and resentment. It would be more advisable to propose solutions and say what is needed without judgment. An example of criticism would be: “You always do whatever you want, you never think about anyone, I’m fed up.”
The defensive attitude consists of not accepting a complaint and reacting by counterattacking. By entering into this dynamic, a vicious circle is generated in which we blame and hold each other responsible. For example, “I’m not answering you because you’re the first one who doesn’t listen.”
Contempt is expressed in the form of grimaces, ironic tone and even insults. I think it is not necessary to even mention the damage that this can cause in any type of relationship “Are you stupid? Don’t you understand Spanish? In what language do I have to tell you?”
Evasion takes the form of indifference. Stop responding, pretend that you are not listening, start doing another activity in the middle of an argument, ignore, hang up the phone… This only increases feelings of anger, tension and is also disrespectful.
These ATTACK-DEFENSE mode behaviors indicate that there is a relationship of competition or buried resentment, both fight to control the situation or vindicate their point of view, denying the other’s vision, which increases the incomprehension and distance between both members of the relationship. The reality is that this constant pulse generates tremendous wear and tear.
There is no collaboration without trust
In the same way that snakes bite despite being mostly harmless, there are people who attack when they perceive a threat. But what is hidden behind this need for defense? Often it is the fear of not being seen or heard, a feeling of insecurity that drains out in the form of anger, jealousy, pride or hatred. As if they were poisons that they can inoculate, but with the exception that the more they spread them, the greater the toxic reservoir that is generated inside them.
Being aware of one’s own attitude is not enough, but it is an important step towards questioning oneself Those who engage in them usually have the vision that in relationships there are always those who win and those who lose, if one is not careful others will take advantage. However, relationships could very well be lived differently by adopting an I-win/you-win philosophy.
Instead of creating two opposing sides, we would be better off seeking cooperation and joining forces. So why does it cost us so much? Because there is no collaboration without trust. Suspicion leads to exaggerating dangers, to expecting deception and offense, to spending time and energy scrutinizing the attitude of others. It’s not about being naive, or letting yourself be stepped on, but about learning to defend yourself in a very different way: without needing to attack.
Stop reacting in the present with burdens from the past and anticipating future threats. To deactivate this attitude, it will be necessary to learn to communicate frankly and clearly. Greater real self-confidence will help generate relationships of trust where others are considered allies and not enemies. Hence the importance of working on yourself
The more of these behaviors that occur in the relationship or the longer they have been present, the greater the likelihood that the outcome will be a breakup. These behaviors weaken the bond, making it less functional and secure with each repetition. When it comes to redirecting a relationship in a mature way, it would be advisable to release criticism and labels of narcissistic, selfish, childish, etc. They don’t contribute anything.
How can you get out of that loop?
If you want to share your life with someone, this is about taking responsibility as a team to deal with conflicts. It is not anyone’s job to control the other’s reaction. The work is to make sure you are respectful, vulnerable and self-reflective to implement healthy boundaries
And how do I set healthy boundaries? With explicit and respectful language. “I will not continue in this conflict if there is presence of insults, invalidation or evasion. These are hurtful behaviors and if they happen I will take a break. I don’t care how upset that makes you. We can try again in a couple of hours if we are both ready.”
Not allowing the presence of hurtful attitudes is a priority because a satisfactory relationship is a safe and calm place in which as a couple we can feel free and comfortable to express pain, complaints or desire without deterrence from being honest.
We don’t have to belittle, ignore, or deny feelings just because they make us uncomfortable. No one is wrong when expressing their needs, it is actually healthy And seeking validation of our experiences or a partner’s perspective are basic needs for closeness and connection. We can validate our partner’s feelings despite not feeling the same, validating does not mean agreeing.
Validating means that the other person’s feelings matter to you. Remind yourself that expression is as necessary as the ability to listen. You both have important roles in this. If you want your partner to listen to you openly and receptively, show that you value their perspective by listening to them first. Become aware that by blocking dialogue, one of the members of the couple feels abandoned, not heard and devalued. It may not be our intention, but it is what happens.
“Someone I love is abandoning me, ignoring me… I guess he cares so little about me that I don’t even deserve to be listened to, it’s clear that I’m not important enough to enjoy the other’s attention.” When this happens, the lack of connection is felt in the environment: “he doesn’t even care what I say anymore, and this was important to me.”
We can turn the discussion around in the following way: “I understand that when I avoid a discussion you feel disrespected or that I don’t take you into account, I’m sorry, I don’t want to generate feelings of abandonment in you. I prefer to make you feel calm and show you that you can trust me.”
Let’s be honest, when you react with defensive or evasive strategies… Do you think it could be because you feel that you are not good enough to meet other people’s expectations? Do you feel insecure, whatever you do will be wrong? Do you think that sometimes you don’t feel like trying because you think you won’t know how to do it well? Are you afraid of your partner’s possible reaction if you communicate clearly? Do you think that honestly exposing your emotions makes you susceptible to potential harm, as if not doing so is protecting you from something?
And when we enter into these behavioral patterns it is usually because we do not know how to manage vulnerability, we do not know how to identify feelings and possibly if in the past we have tried and if this has been taken advantage of for criticism by others, now we can hardly get rid of these defenses.
It is crucial to be the change I want to see in the other, to stop reacting impulsively and respond from the security of a mature bond. Release that confrontational attitude. It could have been a way to feel safe in the past but now it destroys our present. As a solution, I advocate finding a new way to regulate these tendencies and identify the triggers that lead me to react negatively The goal is not to avoid conflict, the goal is to navigate it in a healthy way.
We don’t have to be perfect for our partner. What we have is to share the direction of how we want to live. Recognize when you feel emotionally unstable, admit it, and postpone the discussion for a quiet time. If I notice that the discussion is escalating, that the voice is raised, the mature thing is to recognize it. “I understand that this is important to you and you are important to me.”
Continuing an argument when we feel dysregulated is irresponsible and reckless, we may say things we don’t really mean. Keep in mind that conversations can be postponed for mature and immature reasons Being aware of our state of activation is a mature reason that can be expressed with strength.
Root ourselves, become aware of why we react, of our feelings, stop seeing them as something bad and find their meaning as indicators of what is happening in your body. Accept them and assume that they are not in control of your actions.
We are all a project in continuous improvement, you can take off the mask, you don’t need it, it limits you. Be proactive, talk about what is happening to you, plan step by step what you are going to do, what type of person you aspire to be, what way of responding to a conflict you are going to adopt to release tension. How am I going to express to my partner that I care about him more than any conflict? “It’s not that you are the problem. I don’t have to point you out. No, I may not be either. Don’t point at me. We are both facing a problem. Pointing in the same direction. Maybe we hadn’t realized.”
