The 7 Typical Protective Strategies Of People With Anxious Attachment
Protective strategies or defensive mechanisms are patterns of our behavior that we always repeat in the face of specific situations that seem threatening to us These are not real threats, but rather fears learned in childhood that accompanied us into adulthood and cause us to have childish or incoherent responses in perhaps very everyday situations, many of them in the form of these protective strategies.
A learned fear could be the fear of abandonment or rejection that is triggered when we feel that we do not meet someone’s expectations. A protective strategy against this fear could be perfectionism with which we try to prevent rejection by investing a lot of time and effort in carrying out a task, to ensure that we meet all expectations and in the end we will not be rejected.
We all use certain protective strategies to a greater or lesser extent, but The type of strategies we use depends a lot on our attachment style Our attachment style developed in childhood as our psychological needs for care and protection, on the one hand, and for autonomy and control, on the other hand, were met.
People who in their childhood did not experience a sufficiently stable sense of protection and welcome, but grew up with emotionally irregular caregivers, for example, or learned that their own needs are not valid, are more likely to develop an attachment style in adult life. insecure or anxious.
This attachment style is characterized by fear of loss and abandonment which leads these people to over-adapt and adapt to any circumstance in order to prevent possible rejection.
A person with an insecure or anxious attachment believes that they do not deserve love, but rather have done something to earn it. In this sense, he makes a lot of effort to please others, which could be his partner, his parents, friends or colleagues at work. People with an anxious attachment feel that they must constantly be aware of the relationship and the other person so that they do not leave them.
Protective strategies associated with anxious attachment
Attachment styles are not black and white concepts, anxious or avoidant, but rather there are scales or shades of gray, and We all fall somewhere on a scale from very avoidant to secure to very anxious That is why it is possible that you will feel identified with some of the protective strategies described here. Well, all of us, because we are human, are afraid of abandonment and loneliness to some extent and we seek to protect ourselves in this sense.
However, in some people these strategies are more marked and are reflected in everything they do, taking significant time from their daily lives and significantly affecting their quality of life, their personal decisions and their productivity.
1. Helplessness and tendency to victimize oneself
This, more than a protective strategy, is a position of people who feel very dependent on the protection and guidance of others, because they do not feel capable of acting for themselves. They avoid positions of great responsibility and where they are expected to act and decide for themselves. They think that they always need help from others, like needing a savior or someone to make decisions for them.
It must be taken into account that protective strategies may vary depending on the area. There are people who act very confident or independent in their work, perhaps because completing tasks responsibly and efficiently gives them greater security, but in their relationship they look for a savior and this is reflected in their relationship as they fall into victimization.
2. Perfectionism and vanity
Those who do not allow themselves to make mistakes and cannot stand receiving complaints try to protect themselves from rejection through perfectionism. They strive to ensure that their work and presentation is impeccable so that no one can tell them anything In people with an anxious attachment, criticism or complaining is directly connected to the fear of abandonment. They think that if they don’t do their job well, they are worthless and they will be left or fired. Many times the belief that they are not enough is deeply rooted in them and thus they feel that they should always give more.
As I described in a previous example, perfectionism is the effort to avoid criticism and rejection, trying to prevent any failure that could be claimed.
Perfectionism is sometimes considered a “good weakness” and very popular in job interviews When the personnel manager asks about weaknesses, a classic response is “I’m too much of a perfectionist,” because every employer would be happy with an employee whose only weakness is that he wants to do the best job he can.
But perfectionism actually has important disadvantages, especially in the workplace. It consumes a lot of time and reduces creativity and efficiency. Very perfectionist people take too long to finish their work, some never finish it, they leave it unfinished, they do not dare to ask others or ask for help.
Vanity can be perfectionism applied to personal image. It is more common in women because they learn from a young age that their appearance and beauty add significant value to their person. They have to look good, otherwise they won’t be chosen.
People with an anxious attachment commonly avoid generating conflicts or arguments because they do not want to make people uncomfortable. Many times they automatically assume that they are to blame or responsible for the situation and adapt. They can’t stand being disliked because of their fear of rejection and so they paint reality as prettier than it really is, so as not to have to ask uncomfortable questions to others.
So, They tend to idealize others so they don’t have to question them when they have done something inappropriate They seek to maintain a harmonious relationship at all costs and thus appear somewhat naive, skillfully ignoring the famous red flags; That is, they do not react even when they are really treated badly.
The struggle for harmony as a protective strategy leads people to completely disconnect from their own needs to please the needs of others. It is often difficult for them to identify what they really want for themselves, because their gaze is always directed towards the other.
4. Adhere
Another common protective strategy in people with an anxious attachment, which is shown above all in relationships, is the desire to adhere or hold on to the other person. They act with the intention of always having the other close, even if it is begging, calling or complaining.
Because of his extreme fear of loss, They are very sensitive people to any movement and distance from their partner They have a great need for recognition and affection and since they do not trust much in their own abilities, they always want to have someone close by.
5. Consumption
Any form of consumption (alcohol, nicotine, drugs, impulsive purchases) has the temporary effect of lowering anxiety levels and bringing us to a state of happiness and calm, returning a feeling of control.
People with an anxious attachment are more vulnerable to falling into impulsive spending habits substance abuse or even addiction, since they are forms of momentary relief that do not depend on other people.
The great impact of this protective strategy generates the biochemical component. The emotional highs we feel when buying something new, drinking at a party or using drugs are due to the release of dopamine, a neurotransmitter that produces brief but intense sensations of happiness and calm. But these highs are normally followed by a strong comedown, like a hangover for which we then want to consume again and thus a vicious circle is built. People who have certain rituals or frequent consumption habits are conditioned to receive their dose of dopamine to temporarily dull anxiety.
6. Repress, paint pretty or ignore
A process similar to that of idealization is the tendency to leave ignore important information or facts, in order to continue believing the same story
For example, the story of the perfect husband, who is always there for the family. If he is almost never at home, it is because he works so hard to be able to give everything to his family and if he prefers to go out drinking with his friends in his free time, it is because he deserves a break. It is a very common strategy and almost independent of the type of attachment. We all need to repress sometimes in order to cope with the multitude of worries that life entails, right? It becomes difficult when it is a protective strategy and the person feels bad, he says that something is missing, he cannot be happy for something, but he does not know what it is, because supposedly everything is fine.
7. Camouflage, Lies and role-playing
People who From their childhood they learned that they should not show their emotions and were educated to simply “function.”, in their adult lives they think more about how to please others and not dislike them and less about who they want to be according to their own convictions. Unconsciously, they learned some strategies; for example, assuming a role in the group, such as being the clown who always makes jokes and who is not affected by anything. As their main task or concern is not to bother with their problems to avoid rejection, they do not know very well what they really want for themselves. They wear a mask in social life and tend to lie so as not to disappoint others.
There are many shades of gray between anxious attachment and secure attachment.
Protective strategies are then unconscious behaviors that we apply to prevent our fears, mostly childhood fears. In their time they were important survival tools, but in adult life they prevent full and authentic personal development. People who tend more towards an insecure or anxious attachment apply protective strategies that make it easier for them to be close to other people. Since they do not believe in their own abilities, they see themselves as insufficient, incapable or burdensome to others, their protective strategies aim to help them have people close to them, who help them or at least not to scare anyone, but rather to please others because of their fear of abandonment. .
Maybe you identified with some of the strategies described in this article, that doesn’t mean you automatically have to be anxiously attached. As I mentioned, the vast majority of us find ourselves somewhere on a scale between anxious to secure to avoidant attachment. If you recognized yourself in some parts, perhaps your tendency is more anxious than avoidant If you have realized that you apply many of these forms of protection and you really have doubts about your type of attachment, it is an interesting topic to discuss with a therapist.
