Limits In Relationships: Psychological And Emotional Keys
Relationships are one of the most important and intense experiences of our lives. They bring us well-being, experiencing an intimate bond, but they also lead us towards the greatest difficulties: fears, insecurities, guilt or frequent arguments. How to establish limits in relationships? Why are they so important?
In recent years (remember that we live in the era of over-information through social networks, which tends to confuse us more than help) we are constantly told about the importance of setting limits s. However, we do not reflect on what this implies and how to establish them.
Setting limits is not coercing others or making a relationship based on rigid agreements. Limits are a natural consequence of our decision-making, which makes us live our relationships (both as a couple and as friends) with greater well-being, in a more constructive way, and being able to resolve the emotional conflicts that arise.
In this article we are going to delve into limits in relationships to resolve several aspects that condition us:
Everything I am going to tell you is based on my direct experience as a psychologist and coach accompanying people in their change and therapy processes for more than 11 years. In Human Empowerment you can read testimonies from these people. Let’s go for it.
Why boundaries are so important in our relationships
You will be able to understand this through the answers you give to these questions: what has happened to you in your relationships (personal or as a couple) when you have given in too much to what others wanted? What does it lead you to not express your interests, decisions or what you don’t want to do? In your relationships, do you focus so much on the relationship that you forget about yourself, your other relationships or your own goals?
In all cases, the result is living with anxiety and insecurity, which leads us to not enjoy relationships or even to live with frequent discussions full of demands or insecurities.
Why do so many complications occur in relationships? A relationship, above all, is an intimate bond where we experience well-being but it does not depend only on one, but is shared with another different person. Human beings are subjective and different, which is why in a relationship we dissolve and find it difficult to maintain our identity while sharing the experience with the other person.
This is why boundaries are so important. Setting limits is not forcing or not allowing, but rather expressing what you want, what you don’t want, what you can or cannot in such a way that you preserve your identity and self-esteem and the relationship develops in a healthy way.
Boundaries, ultimately, are the natural result of making decisions and living and relating with acceptance and trust. Why is it sometimes so difficult to put them together and even more so in relationships?
Psychological and emotional keys that make it difficult for us to set limits
Setting limits in relationships or communicating assertively is not actually a strange technique, but rather the natural communication of human beings. Every person is born knowing how to establish limits by communicating what they want and what they do not want, what they can or cannot, while respecting the decision of the other (assertiveness is also accepting the decisions of the other).
What prevents us from communicating assertively over time? These are the main keys.
1. Problems managing fear and insecurity
When we do not establish clear limits it is because we are afraid of the possible consequences We fear that the other person will react badly, that he or she will believe that we do not care, or that an argument will arise. For this reason, we prefer to adapt and we lose the ability to set clear limits and express what we need.
If your well-being depends too much on external factors that we cannot control, we end up feeling anguish and insecurity, and over time, anxiety. If your self-esteem is oriented towards others, you will end up giving up too much and losing part of your identity This occurs especially at the beginning of a relationship when self-esteem is not functional.
3. Anxious state
Anxiety is a state of alert that makes us feel intense fear and tension. When faced with an anxious state, we tend not to set limits due to a very intense fear of the consequences, while at the same time we live with more or less constant intrusive thoughts where we wonder what others will think or feel (which prevents us from setting clear and healthy limits). .
The limits we need
The moment we learn to understand and manage these emotions and build a self-esteem that works (where your well-being depends mainly on you), it is much easier to establish limits that lead us to feel better and thus live more honest relationships. Now, what are those limits?
Setting limits is not preventing others from making their own decisions. Nor is it demanding or coercing. Limits, as we talked about, are a natural consequence of making one’s own decisions In a relationship we live an intimate bond but we do not have to share everything according to the same criteria. For this reason, to preserve our identity and enjoy the relationship more we need to know what is typical of the relationship and what is not.
Limits are like the seashore: it always moves. It’s about deciding what we like to share as a couple and what we don’t, what personal space we need, what we need and what type of experiences we don’t like or want to live. For this, the most important thing is to know yourself. The quality of your relationship depends on two people, but you can only manage one: your own person and well-being.
A profound change in you to improve your relationships
Relationships are one of the most common reasons for needing to undergo a change or therapy process. However, it is important to understand that relationships are a system that depends on two, and working on this aspect is only useful from the individual area (which is the only one we can control).
When you focus your learning and therapy process on yourself, you focus on knowing yourself, discovering how you build relationships, how your self-esteem works, and applying the necessary changes to improve your well-being in a stable way.
To achieve this, it is important to have constant company (not just sporadic sessions), in addition to being able to work with all parts of your personality (self-esteem, emotion management, communication, belief system, etc.) and having an action plan. concrete that lead you to the change you need.
Setting limits in your relationships is essential learning to be well and enjoy healthy relationships, but it is an experience that occurs when we work on all the psychological and emotional aspects involved. If this is what you want to achieve, do not hesitate to contact me through my personal profile and we can schedule a first session to get to know each other, see what is happening and how we can solve it.
