Every day I hear people define their ex-partners or ex-friends as “narcissistic psychopaths.” This diagnosis seen a posteriori only places the person who states it in a position of victim.
To be a victim is to be a member of a violent relationship. When said relationship is over, you have to start by thinking about what aspects of yourself this bond sustained. to that It is called “affective responsibility.” Involvement in the situations in which you are involved is the first point that enables you to make a change.
First of all, get out of the role of the victim. Because the victim’s place is a “dead end” place. There is no victim without a perpetrator. Therefore, Stopping being a victim disarms the victimizer She dismisses him.
For someone to hurt us, they have to give them power over us. For example, power to make us suffer. There is something about reciprocity that works outside of the ways we expect it to occur. The circuit would be something like this.
From this it can be concluded that what is being sustained is a “reciprocal relationship of harm.”
A benefit is achieved in both. Benefit that maintains the relationship beyond what its members say about it.
We must also recognize that There is a lot of “it’s going to be different with me”, “I’m going to change it” in the bet of a person who, even knowing a person who is commonly unfaithful in his life, a womanizer, for example, agrees to form a couple with him.
Every couple is three: one, their dream and their partner
Sometimes, that illusion blocks all vision of the other. Until it’s too late. We are now in a toxic relationship There are people specialized in maintaining couple relationships “alone.” Something paradoxical, apparently, but much more common than you might think.
Bearing on your shoulders all the vicissitudes and inconveniences, making all the efforts without receiving anything in return. In reality, you receive confirmation of your own omnipotence. Until the person bursts. Heart problems, psychosomatic illnesses, etc.
In the workplace, it is very common to see self-sacrificing people who give their lives for their work activity with psychiatric folders. Whoever makes this choice perhaps does so unconsciously. But there is a benefit. And it is therapy that will allow us to discover what that benefit is.
You might ask me how one can talk about an “unconscious choice” And there I have to clarify that the unconscious is determined. Desire, which commands our loving choices, is unconscious.
The crudest drive that inhabits us is often unknown to the subject. But this “ignorance” is the result of a work of repression. Ignore those aspects that we don’t like about ourselves. And get angry when we see them in someone else. With that other person we can cut deals, and so we avoid recognizing ourselves
If we stop to think about this, as I said above, couples are in threes or ones. Never in pairs.
There are no two without three
On the other hand, there is a key point to keep in mind. The benefit that a couple sustains. Everything is sustained by some benefit or advantage. The term “advantage” is very annoying for some people.
Selflessness, in love, has good press But those who do not recognize his interest do not know where they are heading and what the emotional cost of their bet is. It seems that seeking a benefit in a relationship is unethical and inappropriate.
And the truth is that there is always an interest at play. Whether it is company, or sex, or social or economic gain. When it is not about the unrecognized, unhealthy desire to repeat a life story and look for someone who continues to mistreat us or abandon us.
We love as we were loved
If a person is not clear that in every relationship there are risks, these issues come into play, they walk through the world blindly. And that is very common.
The precept of “doing good without looking to whom” and “giving everything without expecting anything in return” often justify the sickest and most pernicious links Therapy is the device that allows, if everything goes well, to find the committed interest in the traces of shared pain. And make it something different from suffering.
