6 Ideas To Keep In Mind When Accompanying A Person In Mourning
According to William Worden, member of the American Psychological Association, grief is “the experience of the person who has lost a loved one” (Worden, 2004). It has other meanings, since we can also go through a grieving process when we lose a partner, a job or our health. But the most common definition is the one refers to the death of someone important to us
Facing grief takes time and involves intense emotions in the mourner. But, also, in those who are around him. Accompanying the grieving process is not an easy task since each person faces losses in a different way.
Many times, Doubts arise about whether you are being helpful or if something more could be done for the family member or friend who has suffered the loss Although there are no recipes, and it is always best to ask the person directly what they need, there are some aspects that we can take into account in the task of supporting those suffering from psychological grief.
1. The importance of our gaze
There are many ways to approach someone who is suffering: from a descriptive and analytical perspective, from the fear of saying or doing something that is not appropriate, from a counselor position… In order to help someone who is going through grief we have to be willing to experience and share with that person any emotion, sensation or belief that appears, without judgments, theories or recommendations.
Looking at others is more than seeing them. Is related to approach him from curiosity, empathy and respect Only in this way will it be easier for the grieving person to come into contact with their emotions and put words to what is happening to them. Only then will you feel heard and safe.
2. The value of being there
Sometimes we consider over and over again what to do and what to say to alleviate the suffering of those we love. It is worth considering whether we are placing more importance on coping with being Others may just need us to be present and available.
But… what does it mean to be there? Being there means providing emotional and physical support. It requires us to be able to contain, hold and comfort when emotions arise. But, also, that we are able to ask about more pragmatic aspects, without anticipating and without interfering with our loved one’s routine and way of coping
3. Our role as companions
Accompanying a mourner is not an easy task. It is an act of love, in which We observe the suffering of another person and agree to get involved in it so that they do not go through it alone
It is essential to remember that this process only belongs to the mourner, although the companion acts as a catalyst, that is, they favor the progress of the mourning without having a leading role.
To fulfill this function, the importance of allowing emotional expression and providing instrumental help in specific aspects of daily life has already been described. Other ways to help can be: promoting the memories of the deceased person (thus preventing it from becoming a taboo subject), instilling hope and helping the grieving person make decisions on a daily basis and acquire, at their own pace, an active stance as the protagonist of your life.
4. What the mourner is at stake: emptiness, forgetting identity and meaning
The person who has just lost a loved one faces an extreme situation in which it can suffer a crisis of values and even identity It should be noted that not all people experience loss with this intensity, being more likely after traumatic or unexpected deaths.
The person who survives the deceased has to accept the death of a loved one and learn to manage the anguish of the loss. In many aspects, even everyday ones, a feeling of emptiness may appear in relation to those tasks or activities that the deceased was in charge of or that were shared with him/her.
Furthermore, the fear of forgetting appears, requiring the mourner to reformulate the meaning of the memory and go from a sensory memory to one that projects the imprint of the loved one in the future and give meaning to your days.
5. The paradoxes of the encounter
Just as we need to share our experiences with others to be able to navigate them, sometimes we also require our own space. People in mourning may incur contradictions in relation to their desire to be isolated and their desire, not incompatible, to be accompanied. It is important to frame these situations within the context of grief, without taking them personally.
6. Own limits
Last but not least, we must talk about the needs of the companion. Getting involved in the pain of another can remove unresolved aspects of our own or suppose a very great emotional exhaustion. Therefore, you must not stop being connected with yourself and knowing how to stop, clear your head, and manage your level of involvement.
If we detect that there are aspects that exceed what is considered normal grief (or what we feel we are capable of managing), it is advisable to ask for help from the appropriate professionals.
• Viktor E. Frankl Association. (2014). Grief and meaning: Meaning and value in loss. Barcelona, Spain: Editorial Label. • Devine, M. (2019, February 4). How to help a grieving friend – Refuge In Grief. Retrieved December 22, 2019, from https://www.refugeingrief.com/helper-overview/ • Worden, JW (2004). Grief treatment: psychological counseling and therapy. (2nd ed.). Barcelona, Spain: Paidós.
