Difficulties In Communication As A Couple (and Beliefs That Reinforce Them)
We always hear about the importance of couple communication and that a very important percentage of the failure of a relationship has to do with said communication. But no matter how much we try to talk, solve and clarify things, we very often feel a very powerful frustration, because “it is of no use, it does not change, it does not listen to me, it does not understand me.”
Resolving conflicts is never easy, knowing how to manage the negative emotions that the conflict situation produces in me, in addition to trying to make the other person understand me and achieve a change, seems like a titanic effort that puts us in a negative spiral from which it is difficult for us to get out. .
How many couples also tend to be in the dynamic of “I need to talk about it, but when the other person is angry, they need their time and don’t want to talk about it, which makes me feel worse.” Each one manages their emotions differently, which makes it even more difficult for us to get out of the conflict because sometimes what started as a discussion without much importance ends up perpetuating itself for a while because communication is deficient.
When one wants to talk, the other doesn’t, in the end we don’t talk, one feels that nothing has happened, the other keeps it to himself and maybe brings it up later and so on many times. Has it happened to you?
Improve communication as a couple by questioning problematic beliefs
To improve your couple’s communication, it seems like you have to learn many steps and we can feel overwhelmed and not know where to start. Nothing could be further from reality, the key to starting to improve communication lies in stopping focusing attention on what the other person fails, on what they don’t do well, on what I lack, etc. And focus attention on what thoughts are hurting me, what emotions those thoughts provoke and how I can learn to manage them.
It seems simple to say, and not so easy to do, but in any interpersonal conflict we must always remember that I cannot control what the other person thinks, feels, says or does, but I can control my own thoughts and emotions. Therefore, if I want to start changing communication, I am going to review What ideas about the relationship are working automatically and negatively when managing conflicts.
Here we show you a few:
1. Happy couples don’t argue
Most of us understand that arguing is not bad, and that it is okay to argue from time to time, but many times you can be more afraid of conflicts, due to a past history, where due to education or negative experiences, saying what you think or feel or having a conflict has led to losing relationships or feeling abandoned. If so, you may develop a special sensitivity or reactivity to discussions and experience it with great anxiety. Precisely that fear increases the feeling of insecurity, and may lead to more arguments.
2. Never go to bed angry
This traditional idea, which is somewhat linked to the previous idea that “everything has to go well”, shows that the negative must be eliminated as soon as possible, which generates a lot of anguish every time there is a conflict. This sense of urgency makes any conflict much more negative and sometimes clashes with respecting the emotional management time of the other member, which perpetuates the discomfort.
3. You have to be honest and tell everything to your partner
Many people consider this a primary value and in essence it is important to do it, but It is impossible to comply with this 100%, as well as counterproductive Learning to say what you feel, without reproaching the other and making constructive criticism (that contributes something, not criticizing for the sake of criticizing), are the fundamental premise when it comes to being sincere, which implies that you do not always have to express what you feel. we don’t like each other.
4. It is not necessary to talk about certain things, you already know that
Taking for granted what the other thinks, feels or does is one of the most common communication errors in couples. Having a lot of trust with someone and knowing someone implies that you can predict part of their behavior, but this idea precisely hinders communication a lot, because it prevents us from expressing how we feel or what we want, just because the other’s response is not the desired one. .
5. My partner must understand and support me
In essence, the word that is left over in this idea is “must.” When I see what my partner “has to offer me” as something essential and obligatory, it is very easy for me to feel hurt when I do not receive it. Rigid ideas always hurt us, which is why it is important to review the shoulds that we put in the other. , the demands, because from there we will always have conflicts. Asking is not the same as demanding, good communication is based on the concept of expressing how I feel, and asking for what I need even knowing that I may not receive it, but nothing happens if that happens.
In conclusion…
In short, to begin to change the negative communication loop it is important review our distorted ideas or rigid, which are behind the behaviors we emit when communicating.
