Keys To Managing The Irrational Behavior Of Others
Normally, when we want to change the annoying behavior of others, we use punishment (hostility, bad manners…), but you should know that this is not the best way to get others to change.
Recently It has been shown that rewarding or reinforcing desired behaviors It is much more effective than punishing those we want to eliminate That is why it is convenient that we show ourselves happy and praise the other person every time that person behaves in a desired way (or even when they come close to it).
But it is not enough to praise the other when the other approaches or achieves the desired behavior, and It is necessary that we also use another technique combined with this one This technique is extinction, which consists of not responding or paying attention to the other person’s irrational behaviors. Therefore, to try to reduce or increase any behavior, it is necessary to intersperse the reinforcement of desired behaviors and the use of extinction with the undesirable behaviors of the other.
It can be effective for us to selectively attend to or ignore what the other communicates to us: for example, not giving any type of response (not even non-verbal) to their unfair, unpleasant or offensive statements, and responding with interest and kindness only to their reasonable expressions. or constructive.
When we interact with someone who is irrational, sometimes it is necessary to show an empathetic attitude. To do this, we will follow some steps:
First step: Stop the tendency to get angry too: In those moments you must be careful what you say to yourself. He thinks that even if the other person is very irrational, he has the right to say something stupid like what he just said. And that this does not force you to get upset too, but you can choose what you think and what you do… (if necessary, count up to a thousand to have a good disposition for dialogue).
Second step: Try to understand his point of view: Let him speak, listen to him and explain his point of view if he wishes. If you do not fully understand the content of what is being said to you, continue asking questions but ask them in an empathetic way, asking for details and asking if you have understood it correctly. Asking questions and asking for details helps us avoid making the mistake of “guessing what the other person thinks” with the consequent risk of making mistakes.
Third step: Agree as much as possible: To calm a very upset person, it is advisable to agree with them as much as possible: in everything, in part, in their right to see things that way, or that it is logical that they are irritated, given his perception of things.
Fourth step: When he is calm, explain your point of view and try to find solutions to the problems. To be able to think of things to solve the problem created, you have to be relaxed, then it is time to explain things as you see them (while still being empathetic with their opinions and feelings), and when there is a real problem, this way you can help them. and seek solutions to minimize the likelihood of this behavior being repeated in the future.
If you see the other person very angry and verbally aggressive towards us It is good to state that “we will only talk to him/her when he/she calms down (or let’s calm down)” If the other person does not pay attention, we use the broken record, repeating it as many times as necessary, with this we avoid entering into a chain of aggression and violence on the part of both of us.
3. Time out
Is about tell the other “we will talk another time, when you are (or we are) calmer” (with a calm and firm tone of voice and body language) and go to another place, until your anger or that of the other person passes and you can talk calmly.
4. Separate the topics that create confusion
When our interlocutor tries to defend an irrational or manipulative attitude by intermingling issues that are irrelevant and that can confuse us, It is useful to tell you that we do not want to mix things up For example, if they ask us to do a job that we do not want to do and they mix that request with the fact that we are not good friends, we can tell them that one thing is our friendship, which we can appreciate in many ways, and another is the fact that they Let’s do the work he asks of us.
5. Write what you want to say
This way has the following advantages:
This type of writing has to have a positive tone, take the other person into account, be clear, and not too long.
Being assertive also means that we have to defend ourselves firmly against people who can harm us This can mean anything from distancing ourselves from them or setting limits to demanding that our rights be respected.
To be firm without being aggressive you must follow the maxim of defending yourself using “silk gloves and fists of steel”, that is, defend yourself firmly against them, but without getting more upset than is convenient, without losing your form and without showing more harshness than is necessary. that is necessary to achieve our objectives.
All these examples must follow the following maxim: “No one will respect my rights if I don’t do it myself”
