How Does the Relationship with Parents Affect Couple Relationships?

Romantic relationships often present difficulties of all kinds, and some of them do not even arise within the coexistence between the two, but rather in their relationship with their parents and in-laws. This can occur both due to inadequate communication dynamics with them, and, in some cases, due to the management of memories of events that occurred years ago, before that relationship existed.

For this reason, expert psychologists in both the couple and family areas have studied the topic in depth and have defined How does the relationship with parents and/or in-laws affect couple relationships? In this way, intervention strategies have been developed for couples therapy and family therapy.

Table of Contents

How do parents and in-laws influence relationships?

In the area of the relationship between couples and their parents or in-laws, all kinds of problems can also arise that affect the relationship between both generations and generate all kinds of psychological discomfort for both parties.

1. Model and reference

Having a close relationship with our parents and even our in-laws can predispose us to learn, unconsciously or semi-consciously, about what relationships consist of. That is We have them as one of our main references when understanding what love as a couple is, what marriages are like, etc. We use this information to know what kind of problems our own relationship may bring in the future and try to be prepared to successfully overcome them.

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And that leads us to acquire values or knowledge of all kinds that can help us have an equally long-lasting relationship… or can work against us if they do not fit with reality.

Paying attention to the length of the relationship that our elders have, as long as this is a healthy relationship based on love and understanding, will also make it easier for us to create a personal and emotional bond with the people we take as an example, whether they are our parents or our parents. inlaws.

2. Seek constant approval

Although most people are interested in having the approval of their parents or in-laws, there are cases in which this search becomes an obsession or puts too much pressure on the child or son-in-law in question.

This pressure occurs when someone wants to fit into the role of the perfect son/daughter-in-law to gain the respect and approval of the in-laws, but sometimes they tend to be very demanding and it becomes an arduous task.

In order for this search for approval not to affect the person’s mental health, it is recommended not to become too obsessed with the issue, to be yourself and try to fit in naturally and without pressure with the new in-laws.

3. Feeling of guilt

Depending on the type of relationship we have had with our parents since childhood, we may harbor feelings of guilt, for example, when we move in with our partner and leave the family home of our childhood.

This feeling can develop from thinking that we are abandoning our parents or believing that we are being ungrateful to them.

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Any of these negative feelings when leaving our parents’ house are perfectly normal, The problem arises when these do not stop and are persistent over time at which time it is recommended to consult a psychologist.

4. Difficulty setting limits

Some people have certain difficulties setting limits for their parents or in-laws in any area or scenario of daily life. This difficulty may consist, for example, of say “no” to both in-laws and parents themselves when they try to organize weekend outings together, invitations to dinner or joint activities of all kinds.

This lack of skills to confront or set limits may be due to the relationship model that one has with parents or in-laws or to a type of upbringing that is too strict on the part of the former in childhood.

In addition to that, it is also common to have difficulty saying “no” when parents or in-laws impose certain parenting modalities on their grandchildren, with which the parents may not agree.

Faced with these types of problems, it is essential to train assertiveness a social skill that can be enhanced in psychotherapy and that consists of knowing how to defend our interests from respect for others, but without giving in to the fear of making the interlocutor uncomfortable or sad for having said something that, although controversial or emotionally painful, should be saying.

5. Intrusions

This type of impositions and interference by parents or in-laws normally appear in the area of raising their grandchildren, but they are not limited only to that level, but often transcends to any area of coexistence.

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The interference that both parents and in-laws can exert on their children and sons-in-law/daughters-in-law can occur in the domestic sphere (imposing cleaning or cooking habits), in the social sphere (judging the couple’s friends) or in the personal sphere (judging any initiative, behavior or thing done by the couple or one of the members in particular).

6. Coexistence problems

When a couple lives with their peers and/or in-laws, it is common for certain coexistence problems to arise related to all the negative aspects mentioned above.

These daily problems that arise in the domestic sphere can have multiple causes and their overcoming involves solving them in a civilized manner, giving up on behalf of everyone for the benefit of the common good or by the cessation of coexistence, when it is already unsustainable.

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7. Toxic behaviors

The negative or toxic behaviors that a person may have with their parents are often also transferred to their relationship, following the same unhealthy patterns and behaviors

This phenomenon occurs mainly in cases of mistreatment or abuse towards the father or mother, something that is repeated when the person enters into a formal romantic relationship and ends up exercising the same mistreatment or abuse towards their partner.