My Partner Doesn’t Listen To Me: Possible Causes And What To Do
It may be a common thought to notice that our partner does not listen to us, but… Have we assessed whether we express ourselves well and whether we really communicate what we want?
In many cases the problem is not just one; As in any process in which two people intervene, everything depends on what both of them do. It will be necessary for the receiver to listen, but also for the sender to explain correctly. There are different variables that we can consider that will help us improve communication without blaming the other or without the situation leading to conflict.
In this article we will talk about the causes that may be behind the fact of not feeling heard in a courtship or marriage, and how to establish good communication with our partner
Is your partner not listening to you? Causes of communication problems
Good communication is a fundamental element in relationships, and even more so in relationships, where our purpose is to share life with that person and, therefore, spend a lot of time with them.
So, One of the most frequent causes of relationship problems, which can even lead to a breakup, is the lack of good communication In couples therapy it is common for one person to say that they do not feel heard by the other and, as happens in many situations, they tend to blame the other person, placing the problem on the other.
But many times the subject who transmits the message and who does not feel heard also bears part of the responsibility for poor communication. We may not express ourselves well, we may not use the right words, the right gestures, the optimal tone, or it may simply not be the best time to communicate through words.
When we send a message it is important that everything we express is coherent Non-verbal information, gestures, posture and movement… Everything must adapt to the verbal content we transmit. Likewise, we also have to consider paralinguistic aspects, such as the tone of the voice or the rhythm of speech.
Sometimes we fall into the false belief that the other person must understand and know why we behave and act in a specific way or know why we are angry, but this fact does not occur in most cases. Therefore, the best option is to express what we don’t like, say how we feel or what has made us angry. In this way we face the situation directly and give the opportunity to fix things and for the other person to explain themselves, because perhaps the problem is only due to not talking enough.
Another point to take into account, related to the paralinguistic variable, is the bad intonation and way of expressing ourselves that we use If we transmit the message but we do it with shouts and attacks, it is very likely that your partner will react in the same way and act defensively, thus entering into conflict and making it difficult to reach an agreement.
How to establish healthy communication with your partner
Now that you know better what the reasons may be why your partner does not listen to us, that is, there is poor communication between you, we will move on to pose some strategies to achieve better communication ways to make the relationship healthier and persist.
And having a healthy relationship does not mean not having differences, but having them and being able to face them to reach an understanding and thus be able to overcome them.
1. Practice active listening with the other person
For good communication, it is as important to express yourself well as to listen ; Many times we forget to let the other person speak, we do not respect turns, thus making communication difficult.
We may have the feeling that our partner is not listening to us because we do not give them the opportunity to speak or convey what they think; we have entered a loop of only speaking ourselves and not allowing the other person to express themselves. Therefore, It is very difficult to feel heard if we do not do it
2. Find the right time
When we have been with a person for a long time, when it is someone with whom we share a large part of our time, we know them well and we know when is the best time to talk or when it is better not to. As we have already said, communication is two-way, so If the person who should receive the message is not predisposed to it, the best option will be to wait and do everything possible to create the circumstances that allow talking.
For example, if we know that our partner has a hard time waking up and getting active in the mornings, it would be better to raise the conversation later after a few hours, so that he or she is more receptive.
3. Approach the situation calmly
For the message to reach the recipient appropriately, it is essential that we transmit it calmly, without shouting or insulting. We have to ensure that the other does not feel attacked, in order to achieve good communication, for our partner to listen to us and achieve an understanding. On the contrary, if we attack we will only create conflict and make the situation worse, without making our partner willing to listen to us.
4. Listening does not mean that they do what we want
We may confuse not listening to us with them not doing what we want or not agreeing with us, but our partner may not listen but does not share our opinion or does not want to do what we tell them. At this point it will be essential to talk things over to understand how each person sees the facts or how the situation can be presented to reach an agreement; no one person is right.
5. Be assertive
Being assertive is also an important characteristic if we want to establish good communication and have the other listen to us. Assertiveness is defined as the ability to express how we feel and defend our rights without altering them or being aggressive, maintaining a balance between respect for oneself and the interlocutor. In this way and in relation to appearing calm, we will try to expose and defend what we think, but without stepping on or despising the other, use your arguments and do not enter into confrontation.
You may be interested: “Assertiveness: 5 basic habits to improve communication”
6. Think first what you want to say
To better express the message and really state what we want to convey, the best option is to first reflect on what we want to say and how we want to do it. If we spend some time thinking about what we want to communicate to our partner, That will also help us better understand how and why we feel that way and we will give ourselves time to reflect and express ourselves in the best possible way without acting impulsively and emitting unconnected ideas.
Different techniques can be useful for each person, for example it may be useful to write on a piece of paper what points you want to raise so that you don’t forget them or talk about it first with someone you trust to see how we express it externally and they can give us their opinion.
7. Express what you feel
We cannot expect our partner to guess how we feel or understand us if we do not express ourselves It is common to believe that other people will see or perceive things the same as us, or that with a gesture we make they will understand us, but normally this will not happen like that, it will be better then to really communicate what we want, without double intentions, without expecting them to the other interprets it differently.
For example, instead of spending a whole day without speaking to our partner because we believe that he is not listening to us, it will be better to ask him the question directly, express why we feel or see it that way and so that he can also give his point of view. view.
Related article: “What is Emotional Intelligence?”
8. Also value the good things
We tend to raise issues in general or absolute terms, stating that our partner is not listening to us, but there are surely times when we do achieve adequate communication; So let’s try to reinforce those situations, look at what elements help it happen correctly. It is better to present it as a behavior that happens sometimes, since the use of terms like “never” usually leads to rejection are poorly received and are likely to be less understanding and less cooperative.
9. Our partner is not our enemy
An idea that we must keep in mind is that our partner is not our enemy, that is, even if we feel that he does not listen to us or some other difference arises, we have to keep in mind that neither he nor we do it with the intention of hurting the other. other. Many times the situation is complicated by not speaking, since if we do it is very likely that we will realize that at no time was the other’s intention to harm us.
