Relational Amnesia: Characteristics, Causes And How It Affects Couples
“I didn’t tell you that!”, “Are you sure we went together?”, “I don’t remember when it was…” and other phrases are sometimes said by husbands, wives, boyfriends and girlfriends who tell their loved ones. orange that they don’t remember very well something that they supposedly experienced together.
The other person may feel upset by the fact that the individual with whom they are sharing their life does not remember an experience that was very meaningful to them, such as celebrating their anniversary, going to a fancy restaurant, or listening to a concert together.
How is it possible for a person to forget something so important to their relationship? This type of seemingly counterintuitive forgetting has been called relational amnesia a phenomenon that we will delve into below.
We can define relational amnesia as the systematic forgetting of details and moments, both everyday and special, that for one of the people who make up the couple are significant One partner forgets shared experiences or unconsciously distorts them, to the point that what he or she remembers differs greatly from what his or her partner remembers. As a result of this dynamic of forgetfulness, disagreements, tensions and conflicts occur in the relationship.
This amnesia goes beyond forgetting the couple’s anniversary or the other’s birthday. It is about forgetting very important moments for the other person, very special experiences that marked relevant moments for the relationship such as a reconciliation dinner, going to a concert together or going on a hike. How is this possible? Why is someone capable of forgetting experiences that they themselves have lived and that are supposed to be important?
One of the first answers we could give to explain this phenomenon is quite simple: everyone processes their memories in their own way. What may be transcendental and tremendously significant to one, engraved in their mind by fire, to the other may seem like just another experience, whether everyday or unusual, but at the end of the day something susceptible to being forgotten. This does not mean that the couple is loved less. Everyone keeps magical moments in their memory, but each one has their own, and most of them can coincide between the members of the relationship.
However, although relational amnesia is relatively common and does not necessarily have to be indicative of any problem, it can happen that the person who remembers things better blames the other person for not remembering the most important moments of the relationship. . There is always one member of the couple who keeps every moment in their memory, while the other is more limited to living in the present. This can lead to arguments and even disappointments that can cause multiple relationship problems.
As we were saying, relational amnesia is not something to worry about in principle. This type of amnesia does not constitute a clinical entity, but it is a normal phenomenon in which a person forgets some detail related to their relationship, but important enough for the other person to be bothered by this forgetfulness. There is no cognitive deficit, but the fact that one remembers in a different way what is important to the other can lead to discrepancies and arguments from time to time.
The striking thing about relational amnesia is that In the situations involved, there is always someone who remembers practically everything and someone who remembers almost nothing The person who remembers things, as we have already mentioned, reproaches the person who forgets for neglecting things that are important to the history of the relationship. On the other hand, the forgetful person can scold the person who remembers things better by telling him that he has an obsession with remembering every detail of what he experienced and that he uses it to blame him for his poor memory.
This situation, if not managed in a mature and thoughtful manner, can create an environment of constant reproaches and criticism that will be a breeding ground for relationship problems. It is common to feel disappointment and frustration when you feel that the person you love does not seem to pay attention in shared moments nor does he seem to make an effort to remember important aspects of the relationship. However, it is worth reflecting on what can cause a person to manifest this very common type of amnesia.
Causes
There are several causes that can explain why a person frequently falls into relational amnesia. Since this type of amnesia can have negative consequences for the relationship, especially if it occurs very frequently and in an extreme way, it is important to know them. When you date a person who seems to be born forgetful, it may be that there is a cognitive deficit, but also It could be the case that that person pays little attention to their emotional bond
But there can also be a problem on the part of the person who remembers absolutely everything. This member of the couple may always need to be right and act as if his truth were the only one, the only reliable account of the story of the two lovers and their shared experiences. This type of behavior could be the tip of the iceberg of an excessively neurotic and obsessive personality, a factor that can contribute to increasing levels of dissatisfaction in the relationship.
But in addition to these two possible causes that we have just mentioned, there are several reasons that could explain the appearance of relational amnesia.
1. Two people, two different points of view
Living as a couple does not mean stopping being an individual Couples are what they are, two people who share a common life, but who may have different accounts of the events they experienced. Being a couple does not mean seeing, feeling, processing and remembering the same things with the same details and the same degree of intensity.
This is not an indication that the couple is loved less. It’s not necessarily a bad thing. Simply each member of the relationship remembers things in their own way, has their own account of what happened, their own way of understanding and seeing things. One pays more attention to certain things and the other to others.
So, forgetfulness like not remembering an anniversary or not knowing if it was last month when you went to a fancy restaurant isn’t really that big of a deal. What matters is the experience itself, acts and good intentions. Here the affection is sincere.
2. Lack of interest
Other times it happens that relational amnesia is actually the product of a lack of interest. Here it happens that the person who forgets does so because he does not pay attention, because he does not pay attention to her relationship with the person he is supposed to love and no longer shows interest in the couple
3. Passive-aggressive personality
We cannot talk about relational amnesia without mentioning one of the most toxic dynamics associated with this phenomenon. There are people whose personality could be said to be passive-aggressive who They usually hide behind oblivion to manipulate and harm the person they say they love
Behind this profile you can find very narcissistic traits and also a diagnosis of borderline personality disorder. These types of people can use denial, saying that they do not remember something to invalidate the other person, avoid responsibility or manipulate them and hurt them. You can even resort to gaslighting strategies, attempting to alter the memory of the person who best remembers what happened.
4. Relationship not present
In other cases, this amnesia appears as a result of routine in the relationship, established especially in non-present relationships. The members of the couple, despite sharing the same space at the same time in their lives, are emotionally very far away both because they have lost interest in each other and because monotony has dimmed the flame of love.
When two people live experiences together for the sole reason of having to spend time together, having their minds somewhere else, it is easy for them to end up forgetting or their memories about them to be distorted. After all, emotions are a fundamental aspect in the creation of memories and if one does not experience a romantic dinner, an anniversary or a special event in an emotionally appropriate way, it is likely that one will end up forgetting it.
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Conclusions
Relational amnesia is not a clinical problem. It is something relatively common, the result of the fact that the people who make up a couple do not process memories in the same way. Everyone is a world and, even being with the person they love the most and who is supposed to understand them best, they can remember things with a different degree of emotional intensity and detail. It is, in principle, a mere phenomenon that shows individual differences even between people in a romantic relationship
However, other times it can be indicative of problems in the relationship, which will bring about other more serious problems. If forgetting is systematic and is due to disinterest, lack of commitment, or even used as a strategy to manipulate the other person, the relationship will be damaged over time. And the person who remembers things best can make their best memory a sign of superiority, scolding the other for not remembering what happened as well as they do and giving rise to toxic dynamics.
We must understand that Whenever two people come together, there will be two different perspectives and memories of the same experience Being a couple does not mean experiencing everything in the same way, but rather sharing moments that can awaken desires, emotions and varied beliefs, but that do not have to clash head-on with those of the other person. What matters is that both are willing to understand each other, sharing their vision of things and committing to respect each other.
