Couple Crisis After the First Child: Why it Happens and What to Do

Much is said regarding this topic which is increasingly common and controversial. The birth of a baby represents a life change for the father and mother, so they have to re-establish schedules, responsibilities and priorities, and if this is not managed well, it can bring many conflicts to the couple’s relationship.

This is why in this PsychologyFor article about the relationship crisis after the first child: why it happens and what to do we are going to explain to you in detail what causes this to happen and what you can do as a couple to solve it.

Problems in the couple after having children: main reason

Surely, and even more so if you constantly live with couples with children, some of them have made comments similar to these to your partner and you: “don’t have children too soon, enjoy the relationship sooner”, “children separate couples”, “when you have children you put aside the relationship”, “if you have children they won’t have time for you”, among many other similar comments. In addition, it is more common than it seems to hear in consultation “Since my son was born I can’t stand my husband”

However, many also agree that despite the inconveniences and great responsibility that this can bring, having children also brings a lot of satisfaction and happiness for both members of the couple. Below we are going to explain in detail what are the main reasons why the couple crisis after having the first child.

Why do couples separate after having children?

Four very common causes of the deterioration of the couple’s relationship after the arrival of children:

1. The baby becomes a priority The main reason why this happens is that the priority of each member of the couple is no longer themselves and the relationship, but the baby becomes a priority for both. So this can lead to neglect of the relationship since all the time available is invested in caring for the baby. It can even be very difficult, not only to find time to dedicate to the relationship but also to carry out everyday activities such as household chores.
2. Father’s exclusion It very often happens that women, especially, tend to dedicate most or almost all of their time to the baby, so they focus solely on their needs and forget about their partner completely. This can create a strong distance with the couple that is often not aware of until the crisis appears.
3. sexual relations After the birth of the baby, due to the lack of time and space and the fact that in many cases the crib is placed in the parents’ room to attend to their needs at all times, it becomes very difficult to resume sexual relations, which Over time it can generate a certain degree of tension and frustration in one or both members of the couple. Lack of passion can be a very serious problem if it is not treated correctly.
4. Homework Because the baby absorbs almost all of the parents’ time, it is sometimes quite difficult to carry out household chores, so there can begin to be a mess throughout the house. Therefore, if this is not managed well and household responsibilities are not shared between both parties, this can begin to generate anger and tension in the couple.

Postpartum depression and relationship crisi

Some women, after the birth of their child, due to the hormonal imbalance they have at that time and the tension they may experience during the first weeks due to the degree of responsibility and the radical life change they experience, may experience certain degree of melancholy and even this type of depression.

So this from the outset can be the trigger for the couple’s crisis to begin to occur since the woman feels extremely vulnerable and irritable during that period of time and everything her partner says or does can be misinterpreted and begin with the conflicts. The symptoms of postpartum depression in women can be one of the most common causes of crises in the couple after the first child.

What to do in a relationship crisis after the first child

1. Accept that you are in a relationship crisis. This is the first step to overcome all types of crises and probably the most difficult step for both members of the couple. It is necessary to keep in mind that the more they refuse and resist accepting that something is not right in the relationship, the longer it will take them to start looking for a solution and putting it into practice to overcome it.
2. Identify where the discussions come from. It is not enough to know that they are having more and more problems and discussions; once they have realized this, it is necessary to identify what is causing them to begin to arise. For example, realizing that the problem begins when one of the two does not want to carry out one or more household tasks, or when one wants to have sex and the other does not, etc. To do this, questions can be asked such as: at what point did they start arguing? What was the cause of the argument? What is it about which they argue the most? etc.
3. Start looking for solutions. Once you have identified exactly where the problem comes from, instead of blaming and reproaching each other for what you did or did not do, you need to sit down calmly and analyze what the possible solutions to the problem may be. those problems. For example, in the case of housework, a solution may be to establish schedules according to the free time each person has and dedicate some days more to household chores and the other to caring for the baby, etc. In the case of sexual relations, it is necessary to detect if the lack of desire can be caused by the stress and tension of being new parents, lack of time, privacy, etc. And start giving you an effective solution.
4. Give importance to the couple’s relationship. It is normal that at the beginning the baby is given priority above all else, however, after a time in which both have adapted to this new change in life, it is necessary to resume the relationship as a couple and give it the importance that he deserves. It is evident that the time they will have will be much less than what they had before the birth of the baby, however, we must try to dedicate time to the couple, to intimacy, so that they can occasionally go out to dinner alone. and carry out activities as a couple.

Couples therapy to avoid divorce or separation

In case of carrying out all kinds of advice to overcome this situation, who feel that both have done their part but cannot move forward or simply from the beginning they would like to receive the help of a professional to go through this in a better way. process, it is advisable to attend couples therapy.

Couples therapy will help you better understand where exactly the problems that begin to generate dissatisfaction in the couple and constant arguments come from, it will make you more aware of each of the things that you may or may not be doing in your favor. and against the relationship, promoting those that are in favor.

It will also help them perceive parenthood as something more positive since they realize that with effort and patience everything can be achieved and finally they will be able to better organize their life and better adapt their times so that the time they spend with their baby, with their partner and with their family is truly a time of quality. This, among other types of problems and/or situations that may arise and that perhaps they had not been aware of, even situations that were already unfinished before the birth of the baby.

This article is merely informative, at PsychologyFor we do not have the power to make a diagnosis or recommend a treatment. We invite you to go to a psychologist to treat your particular case.

If you want to read more articles similar to Couple crisis after the first child: why it happens and what to do we recommend that you enter our Couples Therapy category.