‘My Partner Doesn’t Want Me’: Causes And Possible Solutions
As the years go by, it is normal for boyfriends and spouses to see how their sexual relationship becomes less active, but that does not mean that it becomes exhausted or that sex becomes something of the past.
Sex is something that occurs at all ages and having it is completely normal, whether to a lesser or greater extent. However, it is true that there are couples who see their sex life suddenly shut down, and it is inevitable to wonder why.
“My partner doesn’t want me” is the thought of many men and women who see how their lover’s sexual desire decreases to a worrying point. What causes it? It has a solution? Let’s see it next.
A very important pillar in most couples is sexual relations It is not that sex is what determines how good or bad a couple goes, as we can see in many couples with asexual members where intimate relationships take on a more secondary level, but it is true that sexual relationships represent a moment of intimacy and connection that allows lovers to feel complete, notice how the other person is part of them and they are part of the other person.
It is totally normal for sexual life to become less active as the years go by. The emotions and feelings that are felt at the beginning of the relationship begin to settle, become more nuanced and calm down, without this implying that love or the desire to have relationships from time to time disappear. What happens is that the intensity goes down, but not the quality of the relationship. However, there are many men and women who, after a while and see that the magic has faded, fear that the relationship has run out and the thought of “my partner doesn’t want me” comes to mind.
The lack of sexual desire in those couples where it is considered a necessity can become a serious problem However, even when that desire has been lost (which does not have to be the case), both lovers can continue to have well-being, complicity, communication, fun, development and common growth. Sex is not everything, but its absence can cause problems if what has caused it to no longer be common and causes tension and conflict between spouses or boyfriends is not addressed.
The absence of desire is not something that necessarily precipitates a breakup, but of course, if not properly resolved, it can be one of the many things that overflow the glass of an unsatisfied relationship.
Causes of lack of sexual desire in a couple
Having reflected on why sex is not necessarily something basic in all couples, it is true that if it is, we should look for the source of the problem. Since sex is considered a basic need, the fact that a relationship goes from having X amount of sexual relations to practically none should not necessarily worry us, but we should try to find out why. As we said, it is normal that as the years go by, sex takes on less prominence and that those fiery relationships we had in our youth become something less and less everyday. However, if it happens suddenly there must be an explanation beyond age or the gain of trust between the two, especially if this second cause is not seen as something possible.
There are many reasons why we should start worrying about the fact that our partner no longer wants us, or at least that is the feeling we get. Each of them will require different approaches, in addition to varying difficulties and degrees of effort.
1. Infidelity
Unfortunately, one of the possible reasons behind our partner not wanting us is that he has been unfaithful to us. Naturally, the fact that he has cheated on us, far from solving the problem of lack of sex or not wanting us, is only going to make the problem more complex. The fact that he or she has other relationships causes him or her to lose even more interest in his or her partner
Naturally, he or she had no right to be unfaithful to us. It may be true that he has lost interest in us because he no longer finds us attractive or because there has been something that has made us not want to have sex for a while, but whatever it is does not justify his bad behavior. He has broken our trust and, as long as it is not a couple in an open relationship, he has broken the principle of not looking outside the home for what he already has.
The way to overcome this problem is to go to couples therapy This does not mean that we have to forgive him, but it can help us decide to take that step since it is thanks to this type of therapy that many people manage to trust the other person again, and the other learns not to betray again. to your couple. Communication is the key to overcoming this problem.
2. Sexual dysfunctions and medical problems
Many men and women suffer from sexual dysfunctions and, although these problems are being destigmatized, many are afraid to tell them, even to their own partner. Premature ejaculation or vaginismus can cause the feeling that our partner does not want us. It’s not that I don’t want to have sex, but that He feels so much discomfort and fear of not being able to “measure up” that he does not dare to have them
These problems are unlikely to resolve on their own and, therefore, it is necessary to see a doctor. The causes for which they may appear are varied, with organic causes that will be evaluated and treated by a doctor if they exist; and psychological ones, attended by sex psychologists.
It may also be the case that these sexual dysfunctions appear as consequences of an underlying disorder, such as an alcohol addiction, an anxiety disorder or depression. It is for this reason that, if the organic cause has been ruled out, you should also consult with a psychotherapist specialized in couples.
3. Stress, anxiety and associated disorders
Stress and anxiety are two aspects that have become the heavy company of many people. Worries, fear, uncertainty, insecurity and many other emotions and cognitions upset us, they strain us and cause alterations both mentally and chemically. Cortisol increases while the serotonin hormone is at a minimum, causing a series of physical and psychological changes that soon affect sexual desire.
The reason why our partner no longer wants us may be because they feel so overwhelmed, accumulating so much tension and seeing how situations overwhelm them that they end up suffering from a general blockage that ends up affecting their way of relating to us in the sexual field. . Stress promotes apathy and inhibition of sexual desire along with other problems in other areas of your life and, therefore, it is advisable to go to psychotherapy.
4. Monotonous relationship and boredom
Boredom is also one of the reasons why our partner seems to have lost interest in us. It’s a bit sad to admit, but it’s much better than the other three causes we’ve looked at since it’s not something we should particularly worry about. It is logical that, after many years with the same person, sex becomes something very routine with few surprises and even mechanical.
If we want sex to work in our relationship, we have to give it a little life. Boredom is combated with originality, creativity and new ideas, with things that do not require racking your brain to once again feel that the flame of love and attraction is as hot as it was at the beginning. Let’s open our minds a little: have romantic dates, try new positions, add toys, have tantric sex… there are many ways to regain passion.
Possible solutions to overcome the problem
As we have seen, there are several factors that explain the fact that our partner no longer desires us sexually, or that at least that is the feeling he gives us. Each situation causes the problem to acquire a different severity and approach, the most serious being infidelity. Whatever problem we consider our relationship has, below we are going to see what we can do to fix this issue.
1. Talk openly
The most important thing of all is to talk openly with our partner about any problem that distresses or worries us. We must be clear when saying that we get the feeling that he does not want us, conveying what we feel and how important it is for us to have a more active sexual life. It is essential to let him or her also explain himself, to tell us what is happening and what he or she thinks about this problem. Be honest, respectful and understanding and, above all, calm.
You may be interested: “The 18 most frequent communication problems and errors”
As we have seen, there are several problems that can be behind the lack of sexual desire. To blame the problem, It is necessary to know what causes it and act accordingly something for which professional support may be necessary.
If it is stress or a problem of sexual dysfunction, it is essential to go to professionals to see if there may be an illness or disorder behind it, prioritizing the physical and mental health of our partner before our sexual life.
If it is a matter of infidelity, above all we must remain calm even if it has broken our hearts. As we have mentioned, he had no right to do so and, no matter how many “needs” he tells us to justify what he has done, there is no valid excuse. He has betrayed us, but it is not necessarily the end of the relationship. Here it is advisable to go to couples therapy and see how events develop.
Finally, if the problem is boredom, the best thing to do is to expand our sexual options. In the vast world that is the Internet we can find advice of all kinds and conditions to make our sexual life a little more unorthodox and, although you will surely find things that you dislike, there will be others that, no matter how strange they may seem to you, are sure that you find the morbidity.
3. Go to the psychologist individually
Go to the psychologist, but for you This is not couples therapy (couples therapy is always done as a couple) but to introspect on yourself and find out if there really is something in you or in the situation you are experiencing that may have precipitated the fact that our partner does not want us. It may be that, in reality, we are the ones who do not want to have relationships, but we do not even realize it or we have projected this absence of sex onto the other.
It is also necessary manage the emotions associated with the feeling that we are not wanted by the person with whom we share so much This can be very painful for both men and women and, although it may simply be a misunderstanding or the sexual desires of both lovers are not in sync, the fact that our own partner denies us having sex can cause a lot of trouble. frustration and anger, even pushing ourselves into the arms of another person. And we don’t want that under any circumstances.
