Many people, upon reaching a certain age, begin to worry about finding a partner, a person with whom they can share the rest of their life.
We have been made to believe that we must all have a boyfriend or husband to be happy or, at least, have a complete life.
The idea that we will only be happy if we find love is somewhat recalcitrant, but apart from that it is true that many questions are asked. how to find a stable partner and then we will try to help them by giving them some advice.
How to find a stable partner: fundamental ideas to keep in mind
Although we know that loneliness is not a bad thing, most mortals look for a partner at some point in their lives, a half orange Whether because we really want to share our lives with someone or because society has given us the idea that you can only be happy by having a partner, the truth is that many people long to find someone who they believe will make them happy.
This question can become a real obsession. In their search to find the ideal boy or girl, thousands, or rather, millions of people download all kinds of applications every day to see if they are lucky in this uncertain and strange world of love. They look at hundreds of profiles, they “like” as many others and, if they are lucky, they have a “match”, that is, someone seems to be interested in them.
Is it really that important to have a stable partner? The short answer is no, of course, but there is no doubt that many people feel having a partner as a basic need, something fundamental to their lives, so much so that being single causes them dread.
The problem is that they run the risk of overestimate the benefits of having a partner reaching the point that when they get it they may come to grips with reality, seeing that having or not having a boyfriend or boyfriend is not what gives us happiness, but rather the way we deal with life.
Establishing a long-lasting relationship can mean a lot to different people, while for others it is something rather secondary, in the sense that if they are lucky enough to find a stable partner they will not complain but they will not search intensely either. Also, and as we have suggested with the question that society pressures us to have a partner, there are several factors that influence the desire to have or not have a stable partner, including age, economic situation, previous experiences, culture…
Why is it so difficult to find love?
Before seeing how to find a stable partner, it is necessary to know the possible causes that have prevented us from not having a partner yet. It is normal that, after trying a lot to find a stable partner but not being successful, it is possible that feelings of guilt, insecurity and many doubts Some questions that may begin to resonate in our heads, almost bordering on obsessive ideation, are:
All of these questions end up eroding our self-esteem, since they can turn into the belief that we are not worth enough, that we are not going to find anyone to share our lives with because no one sees us as valid. Damaged self-esteem implies psychological discomfort, emotional suffering that can plunge us into depression.
Although discouragement and dejection can convince us that there is nothing to do, the truth is that there are many aspects that we can change to achieve a stable partner. The responsibility falls on our thoughts and actions, behaviors that we can modify and, consequently, they will make us more interesting, more accessible to potential partners. Let’s look at what makes it difficult for us to find love.
1. Fear of failure
The problem for many people is not that they try and fail, but that they simply do not dare to look for love for fear of getting hurt. This is perfectly normal, but You can’t succeed if you don’t even try But not trying already ensures failure.
Maybe you have had bad experiences with other people and you don’t want to go through the bad experience again. It can also happen that we fear not being enough, a fear that is reflected in the way we relate to others, which makes them not feel attracted to us.
2. Extreme shyness
As a general rule, shy people are characterized by establishing fewer social relationships compared to people who are not shy. This does not mean that a shy person cannot establish an intimate relationship, but it does mean that they will have more difficulties achieving it.
Extreme shyness hinders us in our search for love since it is synonymous with lower social skills Fortunately, these skills can be improved, with specialized courses in managing interpersonal relationships in addition to going to a psychotherapist to treat any underlying problems.
3. Low self-esteem
Low self-esteem is related to insecurity and fear of relationships. In fact, low self-esteem is a problem that we can find in social phobia and avoidant personality disorder.
For this reason It is important to go to professionals so that they provide us with the necessary tools to learn to value ourselves in addition to evaluating what could be the potential disorder that has caused this low self-esteem and starting treatment to increase it.
4. Fear of commitment
Finally, among the reasons that prevent us from finding a partner we have the fear of commitment. We are not referring to the commitment prior to marriage, but to the idea of committing to someone to maintain a deeper and more intimate relationship than just a sexual one
The fear of commitment can be unconscious, a fear that expresses itself in our mind in the form of fear of initiating changes in our life, since life as a couple involves altering our single routine quite safely. When dating someone we have to take it into account, plan dates, trips, sacrifice part of our time. This level of commitment is scary for some and, unintentionally, they boycott themselves to remain single, even if they don’t like it.
You may be interested: “Philophobia (fear of falling in love): what it is, causes and common symptoms”
Tips for finding a stable partner
Before seeing some tips that will help us find a stable partner, it is very important to understand that there is no single, infallible and scientifically effective method to find a stable partner. Each person is as they are, unique and unrepeatable, with their life path and their way of emotionally interpreting their reality.
What may work very well for someone to find a partner, may not work very well for another Likewise, below we are going to see the main aspects to improve our chances of finding a stable partner.
1. Loneliness is an opportunity
While we are single we should not think that we are failures Solitude can be a great opportunity for self-knowledge and personal growth, giving us the chance to cultivate our inner world without having to be aware of another person, something truly difficult when you have a partner.
We must allow ourselves time to enjoy our individual hobbies and activities, entertaining our minds and passing the time in a truly enjoyable way. Solitude is an opportunity to continue with what we are passionate about, in addition to growing as people.
2. Pacify our interior
You cannot have a pleasant life as a couple if we are not at peace with our interior. Before embarking on the adventure to find our better half, we will first pacify our interior, working on our own well-being by identifying and managing our emotions
If we are resentful, restless, in a bad mood, sad or under the influence of any other negative emotion for a long time, this will “bitter” us, affecting our way of relating to others. We may even become a little acidic, grumpy, people who will give a bad impression And we all know that the first impression is very important.
It is very important to take advantage and visit a psychologist. It is quite likely that our negative emotions are simply the result of bad things that have been happening to us lately, totally normal responses to an adverse situation. However, there could also be a mental disorder behind it, and in that case it is better to detect it early and intervene as soon as possible.
Related article: “Self-knowledge: definition and 8 tips to improve it”
3. Don’t force the search
We should not force ourselves and try to find a partner as soon as possible. We may feel like it, but we don’t have to be ready.
It is difficult to say when is the ideal time to go looking for a partner, but it is clear that It will not be the best time if we are still getting over the previous breakup or if a recent rejection has hurt us a lot First we have to wait for our heart to heal and, when we have the strength to go meet people, do it without thinking too much about it.
There are few cases of people who met their partner in totally unexpected situations, such as walking on the street and, without further ado, getting the number of a stranger who seemed attractive to us.
Let’s see, movie situations in which boy meets girl have happened, they are not impossible. However, ignoring hookup apps, In most cases we meet our future partner through a friend of a friend It is a classic, an unsophisticated and very mundane strategy that usually works.
Therefore, it is totally advisable to expand our social circle. Sign up for courses on anything, go out with friends, have a good relationship with our friends’ friends or family members… Who knows? Maybe one of them knows someone who has similar tastes to ours and, without even wanting to drink it, in a couple of years we will be saying “I do”.
5. Don’t beat yourself up
Haven’t we found a partner yet? Many, after several attempts, would begin with the whipping, the “self-machaque.” What if I’m not worth it, what if I won’t find love, what if I’m not attractive… What a negative mentality!
If after several attempts we still have not found a partner, we should not start with emotional masochism telling ourselves that love is not for us. All attempts are few, and if by the fourth we still haven’t found a stable partner, let’s try a fifth time.
Likewise, we must understand that love cannot be forced. It is something that if it has to come, it will be very casual, obeying random phenomena, beyond our control except for our way of thinking and acting. The worst thing we can do is think in terms of failures because the one who actually fails is not the one who tries and loses, but the one who gives up.
The importance of not obsessing
As a final point, we consider it very important to highlight the idea that finding a stable partner is not an obligation. Everyone can be happy without having a partner They must simply take advantage of what life has given them, the opportunities that have manifested themselves in the form of a good job, a loving family, faithful friends or the practice of all kinds of hobbies that fill us with satisfaction.
In no case should we force the search, or choose anyone who does not fully convince us for the simple fact that we believe that by having a partner we will automatically be happy. No, we are not going to be. Happiness depends on many things and, above all, on our way of facing and enjoying life, whether or not with that better half that they have sold us so much.
