Causes and Symptoms of Emotional Dependence in the Couple

Emotional dependence in a couple is defined as a pattern of need for attachment and a toxic bond with another person. Jealousy, insecurity and even aggressive behaviors are characteristics of emotional dependence. However,what are the causes of dependency ?

“When we are just little girls, they teach us stories about princesses and princes who must rescue us. While children are educated to repress their emotions and be “strong, brave men” in the future. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if there were no princesses to save and no princes who had to suppress their emotions to appear stronger? ¿What is romantic love ? This type of love, “romantic love”, very popular at the moment, has instilled in our society a series of distorted values ​​about love. Characterized by dependence, subordination and obedience within the relationship.

In this PsicologíaOnline article, we will talk about what are the Causes and symptoms of emotional dependence in the couple.

Causes of emotional dependence in the couple

The causes of emotional dependence can be several: different types of attachment in childhood and adolescence can greatly influence the appearance of patterns of emotional dependence. Personality, level of self-esteem and social factors can also be an important influence. Below, we list the main causes of emotional dependence:

1. Insecure attachment in childhood

A insecure attachment style in which the figures of the father and mother do not promote family ties, can be one of the reasons why, over the years, a person can develop emotional dependence.

2. Low level of self-esteem

The low self-esteem It is also one of the main causes of emotional dependence. When we feel insecure, we usually look for a bond that provides us with the self-esteem and affection we need. In this case, we are completely dependent on another individual.

3. Mental disorders or unstable personalities

The presence of personality disorders or behavioral styles can also favor the appearance of emotional dependence: two people can develop a toxic and dependent bond if their behavioral patterns encourage unhealthy dynamics.

4. Past traumatic relationships

After leaving a toxic or abusive relationship It is normal to have some type of psychological consequences such as fear or emotional insecurity. Some of these consequences do not become evident until we start a relationship again, this is the case of emotional dependence.

5. Social factors: romantic love

Another of the main causes of dependence on the partner and toxic relationships are myths of romantic love When we are little, a hierarchical way of seeing relationships is established for us. In Romanesque love, the woman is the subordinate, weak and dependent individual of the man.

Romantic love gives rise to a type of relationship that is not explicit within the group of the 7 types of relationships of Sternberg’s triangular theory (1988).⁽¹⁾, “toxic relationships.” These types of relationships create “addiction,” with the people involved feeling incapable of putting an end to them. Sometimes, due to fear of abandonment or loss, not accepting the breakup in any way.

Romantic love as a cause of emotional dependence

Romantic love is a type of love that occurs largely in Western cultures, it is relative to culture and therefore, it is neither universal nor constant. This type of love would be idealized love of each one, with an exalted, pure, universal, eternal and irrational value that overcomes all barriers and that we conceive as a unique way to have a stable partner and form a family.

For these reasons, this type of love, or rather, emotional dependence in particular, has become a very relevant topic for psychology.

From the moment we are born we are taught to love, we learn what we expect from a partner, and accompanying these learnings, a “pinch” of emotional dependence transforms them into tainted attachments. This emotional dependence that transforms our feelings is a extreme and sick need that someone feels towards another person, throughout their relationships.

If you think you may be in a situation like the one we are describing, we recommend taking this emotional dependence test.

Emotional dependence in the couple: symptom

But,What characterizes emotional dependence? him? One of the main characteristics that these people suffer from is that they are horrified by the mere idea of ​​being alone, They fear loneliness This determines that the breakup of a relationship implies the beginning of a new one quickly. Therefore, people with emotional dependence are incapable of living and enjoying their lives themselves, they need to live and enjoy their lives with someone.

Symptoms of emotional dependence

• They do not have the time necessary to purify themselves after a breakup, encouraging very maladaptive relationships and exposing themselves to making the same mistakes that led to the breakup of the previous relationship.
• Furthermore, people who suffer from emotional dependence need a constant access to the person on whom they depend This translates into constant control over the other’s life.
• Since the person with emotional dependence has excessive fear of being alone, subordinate your expectations and plans to those of the person on whom it depends. His priority is not to remain alone, and therefore, he “must” keep the other happy, only in this way, the person with emotional dependence thinks, will the other person remain by his side.
• For the person with emotional dependence, life has no meaning without your partner, they “need” to be with each other. Consequently, “love” translates into “need.” Generally, all people share our achievements with others, but in the case of emotional dependence, approval is essential, necessary, to be able to give these achievements the value they deserve.
• In the emotional dependence picture, a idealization of the couple, flatly denying his defects and proposing a future with the newly met person. It is important to stop idealizing a person to take the first steps towards emotional independence.

Myths that promote codependency or emotional dependence in the couple

People with emotional dependence believe themselves to be incomplete, dissatisfied. For them, myths such as “the better half”, “Prince Charming”, etc., govern their love life. Next, we are going to define the main myths that promote codependency.

Myth of the “better half”

The first allusion to the concept of search for the “better half” It appears in the work The Symposium, by Plato. In the book, after a copious feast, Aristophanes tells the audience that, in a remote time, humans were round beings, like oranges; They had two opposite faces on the same head, four arms and four legs that they used to roll around. These beings could be of three kinds:

1. One, composed of man + man
2. Another woman + woman
3. And, a third (he called it the ‘androgynous’), of man + woman.

They wanted to confront the gods and climb the sky, but Zeus punished them by cutting them in two. Since then, Plato’s work narrated, each half looks for its other half to merge with it forever in an embrace.

The myth of the better half places its emphasis on the search but not on the meeting. It supports the idea that there is only one key for each lock. Looking for what I don’t have in the other is having the illusion that a partner is a lifesaver.

Of course there are complementary pairs that nourish the love relationship and give balance to daily life. Complement is not the same as completeness. It’s about finding someone to give you walls back and not looking for someone to build walls.

After all, All people are born alone and die alone Sharing time with a person who enriches and respects you is the greatest of luck, as long as their independence and autonomy are maintained. We must not forget that the largest part of our life is covered by ourselves.

Myth of “Everyone finds someone”

This myth affects the need to live looking for that person who “should” accompany you.

You may find many people throughout your life with whom you want to establish a relationship, or you may not. And nothing happens, everyone lives life as they can and as they want.

Myth of “Love at first sight”.

“When I find the love of my life, I will recognize him at first sight.” Another great myth. That only happens in movies Did you recognize your best friend at first sight? Well, the same thing happens with love.

Myth of “Prince Charming”

What chances do we have of finding in our lives the perfect person to share it? And which ones, if we are lucky enough to find it, to spend the rest of our existence with it?

In my opinion, practically none. There are no perfect people, much less perfect, to accompany us on this journey. There are people who make us grow and give us a hand, to go hand in hand, traveling this path.

The outdated idea of ​​princes and princesses is probably fed by the fantasy of children’s stories, where a beautiful, virtuous, understanding and accommodating princess always ends up happy and content in the arms of a handsome prince, noble, strong and brave, who after risking their lives on countless occasions, whether with sorcerous witches and evil people who embody envy and meanness, reach them.

This myth makes us fall into the great mistake of looking for the perfect, ideal being, giving rise to the unhappiness that this entails.

olutions and treatment of emotional dependence

Once we have detected this pattern of dependency in the couple’s dynamics, it is important to find an effective solution to leave this situation behind. If you want to know how to do it, we recommend reading the following article: how to overcome emotional dependence on your partner.

If you consider that it is affecting your mental health, it is important that you go to a expert therapist in eliminating emotional dependence.

This article is merely informative, at PsychologyFor we do not have the power to make a diagnosis or recommend a treatment. We invite you to go to a psychologist to treat your particular case.

If you want to read more articles similar to Causes and symptoms of emotional dependence in the couple we recommend that you enter our Couples Therapy category.

References

1. Sternberg, R.J. (1988). Triangle Of Love. New York: Basic Books.