Problematic or conflictive relationships between parents and children are one of the most intense and emotionally painful sources of discomfort, often producing chain reactions both in coexistence and family dynamics and in mental health.
For this reason, many fathers and mothers who seek psychological help do so for a very specific reason for consultation related to one of their main roles in the family: “I don’t understand my teenage son, it’s hard for me to connect with him” is an example of a very common complaint.
Therefore, here we will do a brief review of the most important factors that may be behind this problem, and I will offer several guidelines and advice to begin to understand your teenager.
Possible causes behind problems understanding your teenager
As much as we talk about adolescents here in adolescent terms, we must not forget that Despite their youth and lack of experience in many aspects of life, they are people with complex psychological characteristics and their own individuality
The difficulties between a father and a child when it comes to connecting may be influenced by very particular factors that cannot be extrapolated to other families: from conflicts that have been entrenched for years, to psychological disorders that must be treated in therapy, to the absence of the father for many years due to a divorce, etc.
Taking this into account and assuming that behind these problems there is usually not a single cause but a combination of problem facilitators, here We will review the most frequent triggering factors and predispositions
Key ideas to understand your teenage son or daughter
As I mentioned before, there are very specific situations in which the problem in the relationship between parents and children lies in very dysfunctional psychological elements at various levels, not only with regard to communication between the adolescent and the adult. For example, consequences of bullying, psychological disorders, etc. In cases like this, it is most advisable to have the support of a psychotherapist.
However, in other cases the problems are not so severe and there are not a few clear triggers beyond communication failures and bad coexistence habits, so it is possible to look for solutions on one’s own. Therefore, here we will review several tips so that, as parents, it is easier for us to put ourselves in the shoes of our adolescent son or daughter
1. Organize your time
To start connecting with your son or daughter, it is important to dedicate the time it deserves to communication. That is, make sure that when the time comes to speak, this is the main activity, not a secondary one. To do this, the most basic thing is to organize your time so that you can meet regularly at times when neither of you have responsibilities or other tasks to attend to. If necessary, adapt your schedule on your computer and print it so that you include these “gaps” in your daily life.
If you limit yourself to asking questions with your teenage son or daughter, it is easy for him or her to interpret this situation through the framework of police interrogations, and become defensive, in addition to being frustrating having to contribute to the conversation without getting anything in return.
Asking questions is fine, but it should lead to a conversational thread that can be developed without one person being the one to “pull the car.” And by the way, to connect with him or her it is not necessary that all conversations focus specifically on what she has done throughout the day, who her friends are, etc. Talk about topics that apparently only affect you indirectly (politics, sports, news on scientific advances, etc.) is a way to get to know each other indirectly, not manifestly but implicitly, seeing how the other person thinks.
3. Show your vulnerabilities
If you show your imperfect side, your teenage son or daughter is more likely to not be defensive and be shown more honestly and openly.
4. Respect their privacy
It is very important not to continue expecting from a teenager the degree of intimacy that a boy or girl who has not yet reached puberty needs. Connecting and beginning to understand a young person of these ages does not mean knowing what they do and what they think at all times and trying to do so will have the opposite effect to the desired one: it will make him move away from you.
Are you interested in having psychological assistance?
If you are considering professional psychological support for adolescents or advice for parents, I invite you to contact me.
I am a psychologist who is an expert in the cognitive-behavioral model and I work helping individuals, families and organizations regarding psychological care for adults and adolescents; The sessions can be in person in Madrid or online via video call.
