9 Keys To Understand Jealousy And Learn To Overcome It
The model of romantic love, still today, is present in the concept we have of what a relationship should be like. Many of the myths of romantic love include erroneous beliefs about jealous behavior, assuming that jealousy is a sign of love, is an indicator of “true” love and even an essential condition for it. In the same way that its absence would be a lack of love: “he who is not jealous of her partner is because he does not really love her.”
It is observed how these myths are present in people through dysfunctional thoughts about what love is, relationships and how they work, maintaining unhealthy ways of relating as a couple and full of interactions with high toxic content.
In fact, even today it is not unusual to see how in fiction stories couple relationships are normalized in which there are strong conflicts due to jealousy, or in which a person treats his partner as if he were a member of the family. which must be kept away from possible “competitors”.
This link between the model of romantic love and jealousy is increasingly being questioned, and with good reason: Behind the behavior of people who are very jealous of their partner there are problems that cannot be ignored Let’s see what they are, and several tips about what to do in these cases.
4 problems that may be behind jealousy in a relationship
Some of the psychological factors or sources of discomfort that can cause jealousy to emerge in a relationship have to do with coexistence and the way in which both people relate and communicate, while others are of an individual nature, or can be be explained by influences of the social context.
One of the aspects that most favors the appearance of jealousy in a relationship is that, simply, It has been learned that this desire to control the other is the only way to love that exists
This is a retrograde view of what it means to love someone; there is a desire for possession to minimize the risk of them “going off with other people.” It is a contradictory and erroneous idea in which it is understood that jealousy is proportional to the intensity with which one loves, but at the same time one does not trust the other person and it is assumed that the emotional bond is weak enough to have You have to be restricting the freedom of the other for it to work.
However, jealousy is not a sign of love, but rather an element capable of wearing down the relationship and damaging the well-being of both those who experience it firsthand and those who receive this type of behavior. Love does not have to hurt through that desire to have the other person for yourself.
2. Social pressure and rigidity regarding gender roles
This is a problem closely linked to the previous one: For some people, anything that breaks traditional gender roles can be a sign that something is wrong, and that rejection will be experienced by others if things do not “go back to normal.” That is to say, there are people who do not even feel jealousy in a genuine way, but rather act jealous to conform to certain schemes of what a relationship is supposed to be like.
3. Low self-esteem and emotional dependence
Many times jealousy stems from low self-esteem problems. The dependence of the jealous person on their partner indicates that there is a certain inability to love oneself
Feeling self-conscious, dissatisfied with one’s physical appearance, having feelings of inferiority and personal insecurity causes thoughts of “anyone can be more valid than me” to appear in the jealous person and thus pose a rival in their relationship. These personality characteristics increase jealous behaviors, distrust and concern about the partner’s fidelity, generating suffering for both the jealous person and their partner and the relationship.
4. Traumatic experiences and dependence with psychopathological roots
In certain cases, jealousy is actually a fear of being alone, since the relationship is seen as a balm that helps hide the discomfort we feel with our own life. In cases like this, the priority is not so much to strengthen the couple’s relationship as to treat those individual psychological problems first.
5 guidelines to overcome these problems
Follow these guidelines to solve the problems that go hand in hand with partner jealousy.
1. Rule out the possibility that abuse is occurring
The first thing to do is identify if jealousy is violating the freedoms of one of the people involved in the relationship, whether through serious attempts at manipulation, constant emotional blackmail, etc. These types of behaviors are a serious problem that, if they are very present in the relationship, can take the form of a type of abuse (we must not forget that physical abuse is not the only one that exists).
This is a task that must be carried out individually, so that our perception of the facts is not conditioned or overshadowed by the other person’s ideas. If you are already in a dynamic of abuse, it is very important to end the relationship and not stay in it to try to “fix” it.
2. Identify possible asymmetries in the externalization of jealousy
Another aspect that will determine the way in which jealousy problems must be addressed is if these are always externalized by a person or if they occur mutually If there are clear asymmetries in this aspect, it must be clear that there is a party that must try to repair the damage done without expecting special “compensations” for it. If they occur in both people, both must commit to repairing the damage to the extent possible.
3. Establish red lines that cannot be crossed
Every relationship must leave room for individual freedom to those who participate in it but sometimes, this seemingly simple idea is ignored.
That is why it is necessary to make this value of individual freedom explicit in one or more conversations: talk about situations in which it is not logical to give up certain decisions or actions just so as not to upset the other person, giving examples, but always from a constructive mentality and without seeking to “attack” the other. Remember that if you are doing this it is not to make the other person feel bad, but to improve the quality of the relationship and your well-being in it.
4. Establish a list of situations in which jealousy hinders the relationship
Spend at least one time identifying five to ten (or ten to twenty, if jealousy occurs in both) common situations in which jealousy appears and is a problem. Write them down and order them according to the discomfort they cause each of you. Then, for each situation, write down at least two typical phrases that the jealous person uses to express that discomfort. In that way it will be easier to identify situations like this in the future and you will both be clearer that you should not give in to those kinds of feelings.
5. Go or go to psychotherapy
Psychological therapy services They can be adapted both to cases in which only one of the people involved in the relationship suffers from jealousy, and to those in which there is jealousy on both sides. Through personalized attention it is possible to identify the underlying problem and intervene on it, promoting new habits, new ways of communicating and relating, and new ways of thinking and interpreting reality. In this way it is much easier to achieve changes for the better, which are maintained over time and strengthen the love relationship.
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Do you want to have professional psychological help for jealousy in your couple?
If you are in a relationship in which problems associated with jealousy have arisen, contact us. In PSYCHOTOOLS We offer both psychotherapy services to overcome the sources of emotional discomfort that affect you individually, as well as marital or dating crises that affect couples. In addition, we serve both in person and by video call through the online modality.
