The 4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse Of Love In The Couple
Traditionally, a relationship is presented to us as a strictly emotional issue, where what we popularly know as love invades us at a certain moment in a very intense way, and leads us to feel that we are in love. That feeling maintained over time will lead us to love and be loved regardless of other variables.
This relational model supported by culturalizing agents, such as novels, television series, movies, popular songs and others, transmit and reinforce the process that a relationship based on romantic love is supposed to follow. From this model certain myths and beliefs arise that contribute to the way a love relationship develops Here we’ll talk about how these beliefs about love can help trigger what some psychologists know as “the horsemen of the love apocalypse.”
These are the main ideas that guide our way of understanding and interpreting romantic relationships based on romantic love:
These myths and many more are inappropriate beliefs that They become direct mediators when it comes to maintaining a relationship
The reality is that relationships are somewhat more complex and, sometimes, that love that we clung to above all else fades away without us understanding why. Normally, the society does not reflect love based on respect for the individuality of the other, on knowledge and real acceptance of the other, on mutual enrichment and the ability to solve problems. Although, paradoxically, studies show that couples who have relationships taking these variables into account are longer lasting.
It is essential to develop a common way of life that makes both parties happy and, therefore, It is important to know the different problems that can arise and the factors that predispose them to be able to avoid them
The 4 horsemen of the relationship apocalypse
John and Julie Gottman are a couple of researchers who are dedicated to studying couples and analyzing their relationships through direct observations and physiological records in their “Love Lab”, where they have evaluated more than 3,000 couples.
As a result of the results of these studies, they have reached very interesting conclusions for couple relationships. They have found four key factors that directly influence the couple and have called them “The Four Horsemen of the Relationship Apocalypse.” There are several potential problems that can kill love, which refer to four crucial mistakes in this case referring to communication.
First Rider: the reviews
You can have complaints about your partner, especially if it is the person you live with. But when complaints turn into criticism, we are creating a problem. Complaints are specific statements about a specific fact. But one criticism is a global and lasting attitude and directly attacks the personality of the couple
One complaint is: “You didn’t clean the kitchen yesterday when you said you would.” Instead, a criticism would be: “You’re irresponsible, that’s why I always have to clean the kitchen when it’s your turn.”
Criticism is not the couple’s biggest problem, in fact they are very common among couples. The difficulty is created because criticism paves the way for the rest of the riders
Second Horseman: Contempt
Sarcasm, insults, mockery, ridicule… All of them are signs of contempt and are good predictors of relationship failure Contempt is exacerbated by negative thoughts about the partner, held for a long time. You are more likely to have these negative thoughts when differences are not resolved. An example is: “The young lady believes that they have to do everything for her, of course, she is a princess; she does not realize how inconsiderate she is of her and that the rest of us are not her servants.”
Belligerence is the cousin of contempt and equally lethal to a relationship It is a form of aggressive anger because it contains a threat or provocation. When one part of the couple reproaches the other for something and the other responds: “What are you going to do, report me?”, it is a belligerent response.
Third Horseman: Defensiveness
Although sometimes, depending on the situation, it is understandable for one party to defend itself, it rarely achieves the desired effect. The aggressive part does not usually give in or ask for forgiveness This is because defensiveness is actually perceived as a mode of attack. The couple perceives that they are being blamed.
Example: “You haven’t cleaned the kitchen when it was your turn”; “I don’t always have time to clean because I have to be making dinner by the time you get home” (defensive attitude).
Fourth Horseman: The Evasive Attitude
In pairs where the three previous riders occur, The most likely thing is that after a while one of the two parties will end up distancing themselves When one party criticizes their partner, the other party may hide behind their cell phone or end up leaving.
You’re being evasive, and even though you’re avoiding an argument in the moment, you’re making the situation worse in the long run. This behavior usually occurs when the other three riders have already settled, due to exhaustion.
This attitude is very much related to feeling overwhelmed. When a person feels like this, she thinks she is defenseless against the aggression she suffers and ends up adopting measures of fight (defensive attitude) or flight (evasive attitude) The only thing the person thinks about is protecting themselves, so, after exhaustion, they emotionally distance themselves from the relationship.
The fact that a person habitually feels overwhelmed leads to a breakup for two reasons. First, it indicates that one party feels severely emotionally strained when dealing with her partner. Secondly, the physical sensations caused by this emotion (significant acceleration of heart rate, sweating, increased blood pressure, secretion of adrenaline, etc.) make a fruitful discussion impossible.
Is the breakup inevitable?
The fact that one of the horsemen appears within a relationship does not predict the breakup. In fact, some of the riders have been observed at some point within stable marriages But when all four appear constantly, it means that the relationship has serious problems.
It is therefore essential to develop alternative skills within communication and specifically in the couple to guarantee a stable future for them.
In a future article we will see some solutions and possible tools to deal with each of these riders when they appear in the context of a relationship.
