How To Manage Shame? Accessing The Structure Of The Mind
Not knowing what to do when shame appears is a situation that we all experience often. It happens because no one has ever bothered to teach us from a young age how to manage it This is part of the great gaps that formal education leaves, and we all suffer the consequences.
On a road when you reach an insurmountable obstacle, you have to find a way to evade or avoid it in order to move forward, but in life that strategy does not work, when you reach a situation that repeats itself and that you cannot solve, you must discover if in your resource warehouse, something is missing or if, in your warehouse, you have some material left over that prevents you from moving forward. If you don’t, the repetition will continue, with all its unpleasant side effects. The strategy is to realize.
According to the RAE (Royal Academy of the Spanish Language) this word comes from the Latin verecundia. And means: disturbance of spirit, which can be caused by the awareness of some mistake committed, or also by shyness and which, in this case, frequently represents a brake on acting or expressing oneself
Like when you are afraid of making a fool of yourself or perhaps saying something or disagreeing with the people who listen to you. It is interesting to note that the words or attitudes we assume can be a criticism or taken as one. And cause embarrassment to other people. Dale Carnegie says well that the 1st. rule to create good human relationships is not to criticize. Or later, in his book about winning friends, he states: “Never tell someone they are wrong.”
Beyond how applicable these rules may be, (and they are) there is the certain fact that, if we make our fellow human beings feel ashamed, they will defend themselves, make excuses or “attack” us back. With this method (called criticism) it is extremely difficult to get others to change their minds or correct their mistakes
Only in a small group of human beings is it possible for us to provoke sincere reflection on their mistakes by being reprimanded. All this can change if we accept that shame can and should be managed properly. This way we will feel much better or make those around us feel better. After all, you will discover that the group that practices Mr. Carnegie’s teachings is not very large. TRUE?
But it all depends on the objectives we set for ourselves. I will assume that by reading this writing, you have the purpose of knowing more about this topic and I will explain it First of all, in order to deal with it, let’s review the structure of this thing we call shame.
They are the situations, people, thoughts, etc. that make you feel ashamed. Now it is necessary to know that shame management is a process that takes time and effort, so it is important to be patient and not get discouraged if you do not see immediate results. Be kind to yourself and celebrate your small achievements along this learning path.
NLP (Neurolinguistic Programming) maintains that ultimately all human behavior develops on a learned “structure”, which can be detected to be modeled (imitated) or transformed. In order to do the latter you must realize the parts and functioning of the structure, pattern or loop of that behavior in you: Pay attention to your thoughts and feelings when you feel shame, as this will help you better understand your emotions and deal with them more effectively
This way you will identify the previously mentioned triggers. As a next step: reflect on why these situations affect you that way, and keep you in that state. The reader is encouraged to do this in writing. When you have an answer, ask again several times, looking for more reasons or alternative reasons.
It is also useful and essential to learn to recognize the physical signs of shame, such as palpitations, redness or sweating, so that you can better identify when you find yourself in that emotional situation.
It is extremely important to practice self-observation. If you do, you will discover that some of these signs and even some thoughts appear a few seconds before feeling shame At that moment and even when you are already feeling it, you can take other measures to avoid falling into that repetition of thoughts and feelings.
Later I will tell you what to do, now it is essential that you notice the appearance of the movie that appears on the screen of your mind and not get carried away by it. So, recognizing the physical signs of shame will allow you to realize what is happening to you.
An example to understand better
With pleasure. This is like going to the movies. You arrive, you sit down, the lights are still on when the film begins. You allow the scenes to change your mood and suddenly you realize that the lights are off. You didn’t realize when they turned off. Afterwards, you are no longer in the chair, you are inside the plot. At that moment, it is too late to remember that what you see is not real, you are already experiencing what happens to the main actor
Life is so. Therefore, it is necessary to learn to stop your mind, begin to carry out self-observation, discover that the mind is an instrument, which must be used appropriately, because if you are not aware of this, the mind projects its influence on you. tape and you get lost in it.
Now when you change your point of view and observe yourself, everything transforms. It’s like watching film production and thinking: How could they do that? What effect did they use to make it look like that? You see the actor and think, “excellent characterization, it even seems real.” And many times you have even thought about an alternative script or a different ending, to improve the development of the plot or feel more comfortable with the plot
In real life, as you reflect on why your triggers affect you the way they do, you view your film as a spectator, as someone who knows they are capable of changing it. Then as you do this action (the reflection) over and over again, you can even feel in advance, when the feeling of shame (thoughts, sensations) is going to come to you and you can stop it, you can disarm it. Since there is no pill that automatically protects you, you must appeal to your consciousness to change the development of your existence. This whole process is then, an awareness.
Time to learn something new and transformative: Situations may be inevitable but my reactions are always optional. Tip: Write 150 times or 15 times a day in 10 days, the previous phrase Let’s continue. As in most life situations, the answer is ACTION, that is: get out of suffering and act to reduce it, learn from it or disintegrate it, as the case may be. Don’t stay in self-pity and pain.
The latter is easily read but for many it is extremely difficult to do. Well, they are used to pain, because they are convinced (wrongly) that every thought that comes to their mind deserves to be thought. Likewise for the majority, every emotion they feel deserves to be felt. They do not know any other alternative, therefore they cannot change the page at will.
And speaking of pages, the truth is that you are not the actor, you are the screenwriter and composer of the movie melody, you just don’t know it In the super production that is your life, it is essential to choose alternative scripts and scores to improve your life, your music and create an original soundtrack that produces the results you desire.
Warning: You may and certainly need to reread this article several times. This is normal, don’t doubt your intelligence. It is amazing what one can do when he recognizes the fact that he can control his mind and therefore choose a different reaction to the same event. In the first instance, the keys to control are in breathing and in the EPA axis: emotion, thought and action. Then, if an organized and methodical process is continued, it is possible to bring shame to its normal functioning levels and not be a cause of anxiety.
Next you will learn something else: Use your breath to govern a feeling or an emotion Sounds utopian, right? However, since the breathing changes when the emotion appears, it is possible to change the breathing to control the emotion. I’m not going to tell you to take 10 deep breaths or hold your breath for 10 seconds. Although this is always very helpful.
Instead I will add that you need to pay attention to the entry and exit of air through your nose. Alternatively, do the following exercise: Inhale slowly, hold for 4 or 5 seconds, exhale slowly, run out of breath for 4 or 5 seconds and repeat, at least 3 times or until the emotion reduces or disappears. It’s time to work on other aspects, let’s move on to the EPA axis and start the thought process. The rest of the axis was explained when we talked about controlling emotions and taking ACTION.
Some tips to apply
Below I leave you guidelines for your mind. In future publications we will expand on these ideas and delve into the procedure. Remember that we all experience feelings of shame at some point or another, and you are not alone in this process of self-reflection and personal growth. Learn to accept your imperfections and mistakes as a natural part of the learning and personal growth process, instead of feeling overly critical of yourself
Identify the strategies you use to protect yourself from shame, such as avoidance or denial, and be aware of when these strategies are ineffective or may even be detrimental to your well-being. Reflect on your past experiences and how they have influenced your sense of shame, so you can work on healing those wounds and building a healthier self-perception.
Identify the negative beliefs you have about yourself and work to change them, fostering a more positive and realistic self-image. Try to surround yourself with positive and supportive people who support you in this process, avoiding environments or people that encourage shame or make you feel uncomfortable
Don’t be afraid to set healthy boundaries for yourself and say “no” when necessary, avoiding situations that make you feel uncomfortable or embarrassed. In short, managing shame requires self-awareness, self-observation, acceptance, and constant effort. As you commit to this process, you will see your confidence and emotional well-being improve over time.
Don’t be afraid to ask for help if you feel like you can’t handle your feelings of shame on your own. Talk to trusted friends or family, or seek professional help if necessary, to have the right support in this process. Ready to create your own movie, or do you prefer a series?
