I Depend Too Much On My Partner Emotionally: What To Do?
For many, love is a mystery. Some consider it a feeling that moves the world, while for others it is an endless principle. Since we were children, princess stories teach us that love is every woman’s greatest desire, because only then will they live happily ever after.
The truth is behind this variety of meanings that we give to love, there are wrong ideas about it; which leads people to develop what are popularly known as toxic relationships.
Currently, emotional dependence affects a third of couples in Mexico, according to Dr. Noemí Díaz, leader of psychological services at the UNAM Faculty of Psychology; Therefore, this condition occurs in both women and men. Therefore, it is common for many people to think a recurring concern: “emotionally, I depend on my partner excessively”
The word dependent means that it hangs (pendant), like a kind of ornament. On the other hand, when we say that we have something pending, it implies that there is something that is incomplete or unfinished, which means that A person with emotional dependence is one who hangs on another and is emotionally incomplete
In emotional dependence on a partner, also known as codependency, the person depends so much on their partner that they perceive the relationship as the only way to personal security. In this type of relationship, one is usually the “strong” one and the other is the “weak” one. The latter tends to manipulate the relationship through his need for his partner. While the strong one, his need is to be essential, as Melgosa (2008) points out.
The person who expresses the need for the other is a carrier of a personality prone to addictions, so his or her partner represents the “drug”; Even the absence of this can cause a withdrawal crisis, so there is fear of abandonment.
In order to avoid separation, everything is forgiven and tolerated, even though the person is not comfortable with the relationship due to having constant arguments, being a victim of abuse, etc. As if that were not enough, she no longer considers her own needs because she seeks to satisfy those of her partner; Her intention is for her partner to need her, to depend on her, because it is the closest thing to affection.
There are times when attempts to be needy don’t work, so the next step is usually to provoke pity. The person uses phrases like: “I love you so much and you don’t love me”, “after everything I have done for you, and look how you respond to me”, etc. What is also known as emotional blackmail.
To the extent that the person remains trapped in this type of codependent relationship, they will lose their identity, since their behavior reflects the ideas: “without you I am nothing”, “I cannot live without you”, “neither with you nor without you”. you”, etc. For this reason, Bucay (2010) says that in a codependent relationship there is no love, there is need, dependence, and that is not love.
How the problem originates
As mentioned above, emotional dependency involves being emotionally incomplete or unfinished. This is due to an emotional lack or lack of affection in childhood from the most significant people: parents, brothers, uncles, grandparents, or the person closest to the child.
The above usually occurs in families where one or both parents worked a lot and were distant even when they were at home; homes where either the father, mother or guardian believes that she is doing her job by filling the child with toys. It even happens from the other extreme, with overprotective parents or guardians, where there is excess attention or protection but few expressions of affection.
However, the lack of affection can also be caused by the death of one or both significant people, divorce, or being a victim of domestic violence. The key is that in the child’s life there were rarely hugs, kisses, expressions of affection, if not ever. All this generates insecurity and low self-esteem
In such a way that when growing up, the person enters into a constant search for social approval, always trying to please others to avoid rejection even at the expense of their own dignity. Perhaps as a child he learned that to be loved you have to meet the expectations of other people, just as at the time he tried to meet the expectations of those significant people.
Finally, when choosing a partner he unconsciously follows the same pattern, as if he chose them on purpose, which means that the person with emotional dependence generally feels attracted to those with a narcissistic personality who play a dominant role in the relationship; while the other person adopts the submissive posture seeking to please to receive love In this way they complement each other, producing a toxic or codependent relationship.
I depend on my partner: what can I do to solve it?
If you find yourself trapped in a codependent relationship and really want to get out, below I offer a series of rescue strategies:
1. Seek professional help
The first step is to be aware that you have a problem. Maybe your relationships haven’t worked out so far, but on the other hand you can’t stand being single. Remember that only you are responsible for yourself, so start taking charge of yourself by seeking psychological help. The psychotherapist will help you address those incomplete emotional needs
2. End that relationship that hurts you
You have two options: continue suffering for love or rebuild your path by returning to the basics: working on your self-esteem as your most important project, healing the wounds of the past and finding the well-being you deserve.
It probably sounds easy, but It is a process in which you have to go step by step ; Only in that way will your future relationships be different. But it all starts with a decision.
Set aside time to be alone with yourself, doing activities such as going to a cafe, a restaurant, the movies, etc. Learn to enjoy occasional solitude. Have a date with the best company, with yourself. The others are just passing through.
Besides, recognize your resources to find solutions to everyday problems Trust your judgment.
4. Write yourself a letter of reconciliation
This is a symbolic activity in which you recount what you have gone through in your previous relationships and you do not want to happen again, because you have made the decision to leave it behind and start again.
It is important that you include in the letter that you forgive yourself for the bad decisions that have hurt you Make a commitment to yourself that your well-being will be your priority from now on and you will protect yourself from everything that could hurt you. Finally, once you finish the letter, read it aloud and keep it so that you can access it in moments of weakness and remember your commitment to yourself.
Return to healthy activity
Exercise, join the gym; make changes in your diet towards a healthy one; resume your favorite hobbies; go for a walk; travels. These are just some examples that you can put into practice to recover your life, focus on what you like and regain self-confidence.
Loving yourself as a solution
Love in relationships begins with oneself When you don’t have love for yourself, the only thing you can offer is dependence, because you need the attention of others to be happy. On the other hand, when each member of the relationship enjoys healthy self-esteem, there is no room for dependency, because both are emotionally complete.
Love as a couple is knowing that you can be happy without each other and vice versa, and yet you choose each other. So, for them, love is something positive, wonderful, without the need to suffer.
