What is Healthy Dependency in a Relationship?

In consultation I meet people who cannot say why they are with their partner. “I guess I love him,” “he makes me feel safe,” “what are you going to do if I’m not there?”… It is sometimes difficult to differentiate between a dependency on that person and love.

It is important to emphasize that The main objective within a relationship is not to be completely independent, as we have always been taught. Of course, we are independent beings with our personality, our traits, our tastes or hobbies.

Once we find ourselves in a relationship, if we function completely independently what will happen is that we will find ourselves in a dysfunctional relationship. There will be no space for communication, leisure, etc. Therefore, we are going to discard the idea that it is important to be only independent and let’s relate through a healthy dependency

Healthy dependency in relationships

What does it mean? Human beings are social beings, that is, we need contact with others If we are totally independent we find ourselves in a dysfunctional bonding pattern.

On the contrary, this healthy connection or dependence with others occurs when we are capable of managing our own emotions and we are also capable of regulating the emotions of the other person and we feel comfortable and confident in our relationships with others

In the case of being an independent person, the second factor would not be met. These people do not feel comfortable in intimacy; In this case there will be a great need for self-regulation. On the contrary, A dependent person will feel very good within this intimacy but not autonomously there will be a need for confusion with the other person.

Asymmetries in the couple

In consultation, it is very common to find couples in which one of the members is more dependent and the other more independent What is going to happen in these cases?

The most dependent person will implement all the care that he or she considers necessary for his or her partner, without him or her having requested it. He will leave aside everything she needs and wants. Through this care they will obtain the reinforcement they need for their well-being, since they will normally be people with damaged self-esteem. They will also need the opinion of others when making decisions and usually do not set limits on others as a way of protecting themselves.

These types of patients feel that their relationship with their partner gives them security and stability. This is the first differentiation that I would like to make.

What these people feel is security from being accompanied Thinking about loneliness makes them very afraid and they prefer this type of relationship, in which they feel a lot of discomfort, than ending it. The discomfort is due to that constant fear they have of losing the other and to prevent this from happening they put in place all the precautions, giving each other distrust. And the first premise we talk about for a healthy relationship to occur is trust in intimacy with the other. In this case we are not in a horizontal relationship, that is, in an equal relationship.

In more dependent people we find with a more submissive profile, so the person will never feel safe. They will only feel secure when their partner reassures them how well they have done something, or how well they have made a decision. This is when it can be confusing for a person to feel secure in the relationship. But if you realize, the basis of this type of relationship is fear and therefore insecurity.

How can we identify if we are in a healthy relationship?

First of all it is important feel safe with ourselves, keep in mind that well-being depends on ourselves and not on our partner. If we seek well-being in the other person and our emotions depend on them, we find ourselves in a dysfunctional relationship, we would not be regulating our own emotions and we are placing the responsibility externally.

It is also important that we know what our needs are, as well as those of our partner. Once we have identified them, it is important that we express them and move in that direction to achieve what we want. Normally in caregivers it is difficult to identify what those needs are. I suggest that you do some reflection work and focus on what generates your well-being or what you need to feel good.

Let’s imagine a piece of land where we are going to build a house. The first thing we are going to have to build is the foundations, without these our house will not resist and probably with the slightest movement it will collapse. Relationships are like houses, they need to have solid foundations. These are communication, trust, respect and equality If these premises are not met, what will happen is that we are not in a healthy relationship, and that is when the different dysfunctional bonding patterns of what we saw previously will be set in motion.

It is important to keep in mind that a healthy and accepting relationship with ourselves is required to have functional relationships. Otherwise we will be depositing our discomfort and experiences in the relationship added to those of the other person, thus allowing us to understand the different relationships in which we have found ourselves.