How To Develop Compassion: A Fundamental Tool For Relationships
Compassion is sensitivity to the suffering of oneself and others Its objective goes beyond understanding, which is why it mobilizes the individual towards the commitment to alleviate and prevent said discomfort.
Even if it is necessary, compassion is not socially frowned upon. For many it awakens contradictory emotions and becomes an unpleasant feeling. Rejecting the possibility of feeling it in the first person and for others to feel it, deprives the individual of a basic tool for emotional balance.
This week, Pilar Hurtado Collaborating physician of Institute of Psychological and Psychiatric Assistance Mensalus presents compassion as a fundamental tool for our personal relationships and encourages us to receive it from love for ourselves and others.
In fact, for many, the concept of compassion has a negative connotation (“I don’t want them to feel sorry for me”). Why is it so difficult to integrate this concept?
Yes, this is a very repeated phrase. It is true that due to our Judeo-Christian roots, compassion is not well regarded, it seems to undervalue or belittle those who suffer. However, compassion, from the Buddhist perspective, is the love and affection from which one listens to one’s pain and the pain of others; it is sensitivity to suffering, with the commitment to alleviate and prevent it. Its essence is totally removed from prejudice, contempt or invalidation, and is directly related to motivation and love.
In other words. It is a behavior aimed at producing well-being in those who suffer (we repeat, whether it is oneself or another person). In fact, compassion is a necessary instrument to achieve personal calm. Otherwise, we would be continually immersed in a duel of the titans.
For a double war: the fight between the different states/faces of the self (“I blame myself for”) and the fight of myself against the world (“I blame others for”). Of course, living like this is exhausting. Therefore, compassion provides a state of peace and tranquility from which we obtain basic well-being to open ourselves to other contexts, enhance our personal relationships and feel fulfilled.
What else does self-compassion entail?
Self-compassion refers to the loving treatment we give ourselves when things don’t go well for us and, consequently, shame and self-criticism surface. Self-compassion is an act of self-listening that puts aside guilty thoughts to promote respect. It is a clear example of self-care.
Its structure is very complete. If we break it down, we find an emotional component, a cognitive component, and a behavioral component. The balance between these three elements is what makes it an efficient tool.
Tell us more.
First of all, compassion is an emotion that arises when we perceive the suffering of others and that provokes an impulse aimed at alleviating the suffering we perceive. On the other hand, it implies a cognitive component made up of several facets: attention to the suffering of others, the evaluation/analysis of said suffering, and the recognition of our abilities to intervene and alleviate it in an efficient way. Finally, compassion is also defined by a behavioral component that responds to the commitment and decision to take actions aimed at eliminating suffering.
Differences between compassion, self-esteem and empathy
Are compassion and empathy the same thing?
It’s easy to confuse compassion with empathy. Empathy is the ability to put yourself in the place of another, it is the ability to understand and respect their thoughts, feelings and behavior. Being empathetic means intellectually understanding the suffering of others.
Good. Compassion is something more. Compassion differs from empathy because, in addition to understanding perceived suffering, it awakens an impulse to carry out an action that addresses said suffering with wisdom.
Compassionate action can neutralize the cause of suffering, but its main motivation is to accompany the pain with courage and strength while it is present. As we pointed out, it is a mobilizing feeling: it seeks care and attention.
And what is the difference between self-compassion and self-esteem?
Self-esteem increases when we do things well. Self-compassion refers to how we see and treat ourselves (the way we address ourselves) when things have not gone well for us. With it, a relationship of acceptance and non-judgment towards us is cultivated (whether we succeed or fail).
Self-compassion is one of the fundamental ingredients of positive self-concept and, with it, self-esteem. Without self-pity, will we take care of ourselves with love and affection?
A way to live more authentic relationships
Broadly speaking, how can we develop compassion?
On an individual level, meditation is perfect for developing this capacity. Likewise, experiencing compassion and the impact it generates through group work is, without a doubt, another excellent way.
In recent years, different training programs for compassion towards oneself and towards others have been created (both in the general population and in the population with mental pathology). The results have shown a reduction in anxiety, anger, hostility and depression among the participants, as well as an increase in the skill of Mindfulness (full attention).
Specifically, Paul Gilbert (2015) has developed Compassion Focused Therapy (CFT) from an evolutionary perspective and an emotional regulation model for people with high levels of shame and self-criticism.
Gilbert tells us that to develop compassion it is necessary to practice attention to the suffering of others. This is one of the first points to train. From here it is possible to empathize with the aim of intellectually understanding their suffering. Finally, as we explained, taking a step further translates into devising and carrying out behaviors that seek to alleviate perceived suffering. They are behaviors that can be aimed at finding physical contact and/or transmitting a message: “I care about you and I care about your pain.”
For all this, it is interesting to investigate our personal experience and foster confidence in our wisdom in a space of security. Group work offers this space.
What would you say to all those people who are reading this interview and, to begin with, feel uncomfortable with compassion?
The practice of compassion offers an internal dialogue with therapeutic power capable of relieving suffering and increasing happiness regardless of external circumstances. Training compassion creates a balance that, from the outside, is difficult to understand.
For this reason, to all those readers who fear compassion, I would encourage them to carry out introspection work that brings them closer to answers, and I would invite them to give themselves the opportunity to grow this essential tool for personal relationships, away from judgment and criticism. .
