The 80 Best Phrases by Mitch Hedberg

Mitch Hedberg was a comedian and a constant figure in American stand-up comedy. His greatest characteristic was his surreal humor, based on one-liners with abrupt and absurd cuts that left the audience absorbed but wanting more.

If you want to know his philosophy of life, this selection of the best phrases by Mitch Hedberg it will like you.

The most inspiring Mitch Hedberg quotes

To remember the legacy of humor of this character, we bring a list of Mitch Hedberg’s iconic phrases and jokes.

1. I have a vest. If they cut off my arms, it would be a jacket.

An example of his simple humor.

2. My hotel doesn’t have a 13th floor because of superstition, but come on man… People on the 14th floor know what floor they’re really on.

When no one wants to see the obvious.

3. I arrived at the one-liner style because I’m not a good storyteller.

Explaining why he decided on that line of making jokes.

4. I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographer’s fault.

That is why we cannot see entities clearly.

5. I would like to get four people who know how to make cart wheels very well and assemble a cart.

About people who bring benefits to your life.

6. I once saw a human pyramid. It was very unnecessary.

Things we regret seeing.

7. I’m going to improve that last joke by removing all the words and adding new ones.

Improvisation is the best weapon of comedy.

8. My fake plants died because I didn’t try to water them.

Take care of your things.

9. The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I am, I will never be as good as a wall.

Nobody is perfect at anything.

10. I live comfortably and if this continues for the rest of my life, there is no way I can say that I have failed.

An optimistic perception, which unfortunately was not fulfilled.

11. Every book is a children’s book if the child can read!

Now, the content is something very different.

12. I want to hang a map of the world in my house and then I’m going to put pins in all the places I’ve traveled to. But first I’ll have to travel to the top two corners of the map, so it doesn’t fall.

You have to have priorities.

13. Yes, this comedy is part of my “Get Rich Slow” scheme… and it’s working.

Wealth is not achieved overnight.

14. I don’t have a girlfriend. But I know a woman who would be mad at me for saying that.

If you are in a relationship, commit.

15. An escalator can never be broken: it can only become a staircase.

Stairs are stairs if that is their purpose.

16. Rice is great if you are really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.

The rice is abundant.

17. My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. He said ‘No, but I want a normal banana later, so…yeah.’

The wait is always worth it.

18. Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a very weak guy, all day.

High-necked shirts can be annoying.

19. Fettucini Alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

An elegant plate of spaghetti.

20. A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

Not everything that is seen with the naked eye is true.

21. I wear a necklace, because I want to know when I’m upside down.

A peculiar way to have an alert.

22. I used to do drugs. I still do it, but I used to do it too.

Talking about his drug use from which he was never able to escape.

23. Politics makes my eyelids heavy.

Politics is a boring topic that shouldn’t be.

24. I make a living writing jokes.

A job that not everyone can do well.

25. If you find yourself lost in the woods, fuck it, build a house.

A way to take advantage of circumstances.

26. I haven’t slept for ten days, because it would be too long.

Placing part of its harsh reality in jokes.

27. I order the club sandwich all the time, but I’m not even a member, man. I don’t know how I get away with it.

Things may be simpler than we expect.

28. If I were missing nine of my fingers, I wouldn’t write any slower.

Wanting is power.

29. I am a heroin addict.

An addiction that led to his early end.

30. I once saw a forklift lift a box of forks. And it was too literal for me.

Making common things look unusual.

31. I was at a bar, and a guy bumped into me, and didn’t apologize, and said, “Move!” I thought it was rude, so I said, “Go to hell!” Then I started running. He reached me. He had a mustache, a goatee, a pair of earrings, sunglasses, a ponytail and wore a hat. He said, “Hey, you have a lot of nerve!” I said, “Hey, you have a lot of… skull accessories!”

Situations can get out of control in bars.

32. I don’t think this heart of mine will last forever.

A promotion upon his early death?

33. Mr. Pibb is a poor imitation of Dr. Pepper. The guy didn’t even get his degree from him.

Imitations do not prosper.

34. I love blackjack. But I’m not addicted to the game. I am addicted to sitting in a semicircle.

About his relapses and attempts at rehabilitation.

35. You know, you can’t please all the people all the time… and last night, all those people were at my show.

A way to get out your frustration when your jokes don’t go well.

36. I wish I could play little league now. It would be much better than before.

Things that were impossible as children become easy in adulthood.

37. Dogs are always in the push-up position.

An obvious note.

38. Every time I go to shave, I assume there is someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, ‘I’m going to shave too.’

It’s comforting to know that we are not alone when we seek value.

39. I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at the headlights of any car and tell you exactly which way it’s coming.

Thus, everyone should be an expert.

40. All of these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.

What is funny to someone is not necessarily funny to others.

41. Right now I’m in a moment where I don’t stop working, I earn enough money and everything is going well.

His work became a distraction.

42. Look, this is a smart crowd. Every time I play for a dumb crowd, I’m like, “You’ve got a lot of shit on your head!”

Winning over the public is not easy.

43. My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never achieved it. She lives in a trailer. She arrived halfway. She’s an actress, she just never gets called to the set.

Not all dreams can come true.

44. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone’s life.

A peculiar necessity.

45. I recently took up ice sculpture. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I did 12, I was prolific.

Being excellent at something everyday.

46. ​​Have you heard of dramatic pauses?

At one point, he became frustrated that people tended to guess the punchlines of his jokes.

47. I saw this drunk, he was eating grapes. I was like “Dude, you have to wait.”

Sometimes waiting is overrated.

48. If I had a dollar for every time I said that, I would be making money in a very strange way.

What would be your strange way to make money?

49. He had a parrot. The parrot spoke, but he didn’t say “I’m hungry,” so he died.

You have to learn to listen.

50. There are too many people talking about sex and I would seem a little inept if I started talking about politics.

We tend not to participate in things we don’t know about.

51. I have an idea for sweatshops: Air conditioning! Problem solved.

If it is a closed space, you need it.

52. Well, I was lost but now I live here! I have severely improved my situation!

It is important to be grateful for what we have.

53. I sit in my hotel at night, think about something fun, then go find a pen and write it down. Or if the pen is too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought is not funny.

Always carry with you where to write down your ideas.

54. Alcoholism is a disease, but it’s the only one you can be scolded for having.

A problem that can get out of control very easily.

55. It would be great if you could eat good food with bad food and the good food would cover the bad food when it reached your stomach.

An effective solution.

56. It’s hard to dance if you just lost your wallet. Wow! Where is my wallet? But hey, this song is funky…

The fun is lost when a negative eventuality occurs.

57. I don’t like connecting with the public.

A fear he could never overcome.

58. I think pickles are cucumbers that were sold out. They sold their soul to the devil, and the devil was dill.

A strange opinion on the origin of pickles.

59. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak dwarf trying to take you down.

An overwhelming feeling.

60. I started adding things to any topic because I thought it was funny, but people weren’t laughing, so I decided to get straight to the point, remove all the excess fat.

The path that led him to his simple one-line jokes.

61. Is a hippo a hippo, or just a really cool Opotamus?

People perceive the world according to how they look at it.

62. I’m tired of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going, and I’ll connect with them later.

It’s frustrating when you don’t see results from your efforts.

63. However, I still feel that I can do something more, although I still don’t know exactly what.

We always have the impulse to want to improve.

64. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out of Service sign, only Escalator Temporarily Out of Service. Sorry for the convenience.

Are we too used to escalators?

65. I saw a sheet lying on the floor, it must have been a ghost who had passed out… So I kicked it.

A ghost that was not well received.

66. I bought a $7 pen because I always lose pens and I got tired of not caring.

Sometimes we have to force ourselves to act the way we want.

67. I guess I would like to be well known.

A dream that he was able to fulfill, even after death.

68. I didn’t go to college, but if I had, I would have taken all my tests in a restaurant, because the customer is always right.

If only things were so simple.

69. I think that if you look at people’s faces, you will always find someone disenchanted.

It is impossible to keep all people happy.

70. I like to close my eyes on stage because I have drawn a picture of an audience enjoying the show more on the back of my eyelids.

One of his biggest concerns was always pleasing his audience with his jokes.

71. An amputated foot is the perfect stocking stuffer.

The positive of a bad situation?

72. Bologna is cold meat for people with eyes.

Not everyone sees things the same way.

73. It’s weird. People say they are not like apes. So how do you explain football?

A criticism of football fanaticism.

74. This shirt can only be dry cleaned, which means it is dirty.

When you can’t find a solution to your problem.

75. If my son couldn’t draw I would make sure my kitchen magnets didn’t work.

The drawings are beautiful childhood memories.

76. Bigfoot is blurry, and that scares me the most. There is a large out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside.

As if it were a ghost.

77. I imagine if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

Not everything in life has a hidden meaning.

78. My belt holds up my pants and my pants have belt loops that hold up the belt. What the hell is really going on down there? Who is the real hero?

A true mystery of physics.

79. That joke deserved a better reaction from you.

Confronting the audience when he didn’t get a reaction from them.

80. I think a duck’s opinion of me is greatly influenced by whether I have bread or not.

A reflection on the way in which power relations influence the perception we have of others.