How many times have you verbalized something that you didn’t really mean? How many times have you done something for another person that you didn’t really mean?
How many times do we say yes to someone, meaning “no”? We should not satisfy others at the expense of feeling bad ourselves; It’s about learning to say “no” without offending.
Congruence is related to the transparency and authenticity of the human being and is defined as that quality of the person who acts based on their most solid ideas, beliefs and values and who expresses them through their words and actions.
Being consistent means being faithful to oneself, verbally and non-verbally, as well as in facts, without resorting to deception; It is the harmony between a person’s ideas and their way of feeling, expressing themselves and acting. For example, someone who expresses his love for animals and treats his pets well would be congruent.
Be consistent It allows the person to gain the trust of others by freely expressing their feelings, their opinions, their actions. in a way that does not hurt or bother others, sincerely but tactfully, at the right time and place, which will facilitate listening and the good disposition of the interlocutor.
Being consistent provides well-being and security for the person, but sometimes it is not easy and it is our main source of internal conflicts because We do not dare to say what we really feel or do what we really want, and this gives us a feeling of discomfort in our daily lives. A consistent person should not agree to those commitments that they do not want or justify themselves or make excuses, but rather say what it really is. When you make an excuse or justify yourself, your body gives you away; Maybe from the outside they don’t realize it, but your body manifests itself and reminds you with its discomfort that you are being incongruent with yourself.
It is a situation in which a person transmits the same message through all output channels, that is, the words of the message are aligned with the tone of the voice and gestures. All channels are defined in the same direction. The renowned American psychologist Paul Ekman explains that, apart from the expressions that appear in a conversation, there are also microexpressions, which are involuntary and instinctive reactions of the face that can reveal what a person is really feeling, hence the importance of one’s emotions are in line with one’s words and actions.
Be consistent It is closely linked to self-knowledge and emotional intelligence, with knowing how to listen to ourselves to know what our feelings and objectives are, which gives us much more clarity regarding what we want or where to go or what to commit to. It is the result of individual development and acquiring personal responsibility. If you know who you are and what you want, you will know that you are being consistent when you walk in the direction that brings you closer to your goal.
Being in balance and congruence with one’s own values is an essential aspect of well-being, since values largely determine people’s behavior. Many of our choices in life are influenced by our hierarchy of values. Such values affect, for example, the choice of studies or jobs, our personal relationships, the choice of a partner, and our entire lifestyle in general.
When do we stop being congruent?
On many occasions we are incongruent in our lives, we adopt incorrect habits when we want to defend our health; We ask our children to be educated when we do not know how to communicate assertively; We do things that are not in line with our beliefs or our desires. Incongruence is the manifestation of conflicting messages on different channels ; for example, when we affirm that we are safe in a hesitant tone of voice.
Human beings often experience feelings of lack of motivation to carry out a task, or a knot in the stomach. We are capable of changing our speech in a conversation or we hesitate about what decision to make. This gives us an internal feeling of dilemma or conflict, since there is no congruence between ideas, thoughts, feelings and behaviors. This is called cognitive dissonance, which makes us aware of the need to resolve the conflict in order to live with greater integrity. However, when a person expresses a single message and remains firm with its ideas, we speak of congruence because the message is transmitted with conviction and security and this reports a connection with oneself.
We stop being consistent when we pretend to be what we are not, when we pretend to be who we are not The American psychologist Carl Rogers referred to the term incongruence to talk about the feelings of dissatisfaction that occur when one does not live the life they really want. Incongruence has to do with discomfort and causes many harms to the person because what he feels and does are not aligned. The lack of congruence in our lives generates mistrust and insecurity with ourselves and with others. Being congruent makes the difference between feeling comfortable or uncomfortable in your own skin, but we are so used to living with incongruity that we are not aware of the extent to which it affects us.
How to become a consistent person?
The most loving act towards ourselves is to be consistent in our lives And for this we have to be honest. It takes a lot of personal work to unlearn learned thoughts and behaviors, as well as to consciously adopt certain postures towards life. It would be about choosing to think and see the world with our own criteria, assuming a personal position in the face of events, acquiring autonomy and freedom to thus gain control of ourselves.
