Assertiveness is a social skill in which one’s own rights are prioritized and defended in a respectful manner before other people It is strongly related to self-esteem, adaptive communication styles and improved trust with other people (couples and/or family or social relationships).
If we imagine a horizontal line and place an assertive communication style in the middle, the other opposite extremes are the passive communication styles (allowing others to decide for us and not expressing our rights) and aggressive communication styles (we are not objective and do not respect ideas). of others).
On the other hand, assertiveness is a skill that can be worked on and improved, getting us to respect ourselves and others without having the goal of “winning or being better” but rather reaching an agreement in each situation in a respectful manner to both.
Below are 10 very useful keys and techniques to achieve an assertive communication style There are different techniques to say what we think without being afraid of hurting others or being aggressive in the process. Will you identify with any?
These are several useful techniques to enhance assertiveness in your personal relationships.
1. Let your guard down
Avoid being defensive before starting a conversation with a person. On many occasions we have formed expectations of what is going to happen and we anticipate in our ways (inadequate physical and verbal communication).
Practice starting a conversation with another person by “resetting” previous problems so as not to have an aggressive predisposition. It is as simple as understanding how the relationship with that person will improve if I always behave in an aggressive, defensive or passive verbal manner?
It is a first step to change communication with other people with whom we have had disagreements that have ended badly, If you change your attitude you will get the other person to change the way they treat you There will be no point in speaking badly to you if your attitude is contrary at all times.
2. Do not blame but be respected
If you are aware that the conversation is at a point that is causing you discomfort or that it is making you both feel bad, it is better to reflect on it to the other person without using reproach.
In this case, the least adaptive way would be to blame the other person for how they speak to you, using in these cases the second person singular: “You are the one who started the discussion… You make me feel bad…”. The following is an assertive argument: “I have realized that I do not want to continue arguing with you, so I am going to make an effort to understand each other and not feel bad.”
3. Phrases in the first person
It is one of the fundamental steps to work on assertiveness. Express that it has made you feel bad, that it makes you suffer, indicating it with phrases in the first person This way it will be easier for the other person to feel empathy instead of perceiving an attack on your part. It is about changing REPROACH for an adequate expression of your rights.
Thus, saying: “You treat me badly in front of other people” is not the same as saying “I feel bad when you say something negative about me to other people.”
The broken record technique consists of repeat the same argument over and over in a calm and relaxed manner Its objective is to be persistent in what we want or in our rights despite the insistence of the other.
It is useful when they try to manipulate us or want to change our minds by making us feel stupid. This technique, depending on the context, may be perceived by the other person as an aggressive display of behavior, which is why it must be used when it is really necessary or in combination with other assertive techniques.
5. Question assertively
It consists of responding with a question when they make an accusation or communication that you perceive to be aggressive. What do we get? On the one hand, If the other person was making constructive communication, that is, for helping us even if they were not using the best forms, they will detail their approach better On the other hand, if it was an attack to hurt us emotionally, the interlocutor will not know where to continue the conversation.
An example might be, “You are the most irrational person I know,” and answer, “Why do you think I am irrational?… How do you think I could improve that?”
7. Negative assertion
A useful technique for learning from criticism, whether malicious or not. This technique is also very practical when living with other people since it is common to have shared responsibilities and not always everything is carried out in the most desired way.
An example would be: “You forgot to wash the dishes again. You are irresponsible”, an assertive person will be able to avoid an argument and answer “I am so sorry for not having done it yet. I am with (the task or reason why it was not possible). Next time I will organize myself better.”
We have surely received this advice on occasion, but it is true that to avoid making the same mistakes it is important to think about the message we want to convey and the appropriate ways to do it. Don’t be in a hurry, think that bad manners will invalidate your message
9. Empathize with the other person
Put yourself in the other person’s shoes. How will you be experiencing this situation? How would I live it in your place? Reflecting on these questions can provide greater insights into our beliefs towards that person including in our communication.
It is possible that the discomfort or frustration that the other person experiences is due to their circumstances and needs more support from us.
10. Commit not to accumulate complaints
It is preferable to express what bothers us and what we feel As long as we are honest and express it in a direct and respectful way. Storing complaints can have the consequence of exploding at some point, expressing all the accumulated discomfort in a spiteful way.
If you want to continue improving…
Surely some of these keys will be very useful to you, it is important to work on them continuously. If you need help to improve these assertive skills and other social skills, you can contact psychologist Verónica Valderrama Hernández from Psicoalmeria
Psicoalmeria is a psychology center specialized in the evaluation, diagnosis, treatment of psychological problems, general improvement of well-being and development of different psychological skills.
