Accompanying My Son Through Adolescence: Guide For Fathers And Mothers
Usually, adolescence is a stage of life in which family relationships falter, undergo changes and are readjusted to create a new structure and relational dynamic between parents and children, precisely the latter are developing and validating their closest internal configuration. to adult functioning.
And parents, in turn, are also at a time when it is necessary to check and refocus their parenting style and communication, adapting it to the relational needs of the new stage that the children are going through.
In this movement and readjustment is when discomfort, dissatisfaction, difficulty in understanding, a feeling of incomprehension and suffering often appear for one or more of the parties involved in family development.
These situations can range from increased arguments, disagreements in schedules and amounts of outings, concern about professional orientation, and the appearance of other more disruptive and significant behaviors on both sides that involve risky behaviors, whether aggressiveness, consumption, or other reflexes. of discomfort through unhealthy behaviors.
Many times children expose the difficulty in being, feeling and expressing themselves in their essence feeling little understood and accompanied at this time when internally there are movements about what one was, what one is and what one imagines one wants to be.
The difficulties of adolescence
Adolescence is a vital moment in which new sources of interest and strong connections appear outside the family circle, and the person who is beginning their adult stage asks questions about themselves, others and the way the world works.
The answers that will be given will not always be consistent or adjusted to the style and expectations of the family, and That will sometimes make the difference difficult to accept or simply due to a paternal protection instinct, in which the main desire is to avoid bad experiences for children, can be experienced by children as a non-acceptance of their difference and individuality.
On the other hand, parents speak of difficulties in understanding the changes that are taking place and sometimes feel difficulty in sustaining opposition, free expression, or even managing to apply limits in a fair and healthy way.
Adjust parenting style
Sometimes it is also difficult for maternal-paternal figures to readjust mothering-fathering to the vital moment that the children are experiencing. These, during adolescence, also need the support of their paternal and maternal figures, but it is important that this support be adjusted to the age and needs of each person. The care and approaches will not be the same with a baby or early childhood children as with an adolescent.
When this is not conscious, maternal and paternal figures may encounter rejection and incomprehension and sons and daughters may experience experiences of invasion and not being treated according to their age and real needs.
Should parents do without limits and rules at this stage of their children?
Does everything stated so far advocate the absence of limits and the acceptance of any behavior within the family dynamic? No.
The line between allowing and accompanying the other in the expression of themselves and at the same time setting limits in a sufficiently consistent and structural way, sometimes appears diffuse and difficult to maintain in balance, and can give rise to situations in which both parents and children feel confusing, misunderstood and demanded by the other party.
Professional experience continually gives us the opportunity to repeatedly observe that underneath this difficulty of understanding most of the time we are talking about Love and the desire to want to do the best possible for the well-being of both others and our own.
So… Why do there usually be so many points of disagreement? It is the moment when one should ask oneself if what oneself believes that the other needs is really what the other needs… and always, the only and also the best way to discover what the need or desire of the other is is to ask.
After all, a month-old baby will not be able to answer the question of whether he cries because he is tired or hungry, but an adolescent has the capacity and ability to identify his needs and express them. After asking, the responsibility appears as adults of reference to accompany and limit that need or desire to reality, that is, to help understand whether, given the family reality and healthy management, it can be covered or not.
Rights and duties
For example: the adolescent wants to have a weekly allowance, it is healthy to agree on the conditions and at the same time limit the amount to the economic reality of the family and the learning of healthy money management, which implies that there is not an unlimited allowance. , whatever the family economic condition.
When, despite asking, disagreements persist, another approach will involve the party that wants to address the situation spending time thinking and asking questions about what is happening, how they are feeling and what their way of acting in the conflict is, in order to differentiate their own needs from those of others. Once this is clear, ask the rest of the components to find an optimal time to communicate and find the solution in the most favorable way for both parties.
In this meeting, communication will be much more effective if it is aimed at expressing and finding out how each person feels than if it is aimed at highlighting what others do or do not do, the latter usually makes the interlocutor feel judged and demanded, and at the same time it causes the needs and desires of both parties not to be talked about.
If, by putting the above advice into practice, conflicts persist or risk behaviors appear for one or more parts of the family, It may be advisable to consult a professional team to determine where the problem is and accompany the different members of the family to elaborate and resolve difficulties.
Text of Virginia Tena
Adult Psychologist at ARA Psicología. Specialist in Eating Disorders and relational integrative transactional analysis.
