It is well known that, generally, relationships usually begin with a first phase of falling in love, which as the months go by gives rise to another way of experiencing that bond, calmer and not so passionate. Now, this second way of living day to day with that person should not be confused with a feeling associated with the stagnation of the relationship: apathy.
In this article we will talk about How apathy can wear down a relationship and what we can do to combat this problem
Has your relationship stagnated due to the feeling of apathy?
Let’s start by talking about the characteristics and how apathy affects dating or marriage. This psychological phenomenon is a combination of lack of motivation in any activity or project linked to an important context of life (in this case, the relationship), which gives rise to an attitude of passivity and disinterest.
Besides, In most cases it is linked to a certain emotional flattening , which means that there is a low predisposition to experience intense emotions arising from that context of life, such as sadness, anger or happiness. In other words, when we are apathetic, it is very rare that a stimulus, idea or memory that crosses our mind is capable of making us feel significantly good or bad; For better and for worse, we always feel more or less the same.
This type of emotional stagnation, when linked to a relationship, also produces a stagnation of the relationship: even if we remain in it and do not decide to return to singleness, from an intellectual or rational point of view we do not know how to explain (from a convincing way before ourselves) why do we stay with that person we simply let ourselves be carried away by the routine and inertia of doing what we have been doing during those months or years of dating or marriage.
Apathy is not the same as boredom
Although they have aspects in common, feeling apathy in a relationship is not the same as feeling bored in it. Boredom is a more circumstantial mental state and more dependent on the objective actions we perform; That is, it can be managed simply by having access to means to pursue stimulating hobbies. On the other hand, apathy does not arise from the fact that we are not carrying out specific actions that help make productive use of the free time we have, among other things because when we feel apathetic we have no motivation. The causes of apathy are deeper and are based on more abstract feelings than the experience of focusing on a task or exposing ourselves to certain stimuli.
In general, what makes us feel apathetic is that We are not able to give meaning to what we do in our daily lives , it does not seem to us that it contributes order or a notion of progress to our identity; Therefore, when we are bored we usually have references about what we could be doing to not feel that way (even if we lack energy to begin with or we do not have the necessary means), but in apathy there are no such references about how to get out of that situation.
What to do when faced with apathy in a courtship or marriage?
As you can guess from what we have seen so far about apathy, since it is an experience with such complex and abstract causes and triggers, it is very difficult to solve it in a short time or by making superficial changes in our way of living day to day. day. Therefore, as a general rule, the most effective way to address the problem is to go to a psychologist for couples therapy sessions, since in this way you will have personalized support adapted to your experiences, in addition to having the possibility of expressing yourself with the support from a professional who mediates and works so that you can both say how you feel.
But leaving aside the advances that can take place through a therapy process, the general advice that we will see below can also help you.
1. Talk to your partner about what’s happening to you
It’s not just that the other person has the right to know how you feel about the relationship; Furthermore, communicating this honestly will allow you to take action regarding the situation. without also having to face the fear of the other person finding out what is happening something important considering that the changes you will have to make in your routine affect both of you and will attract their attention.
2. Adopt the routine of keeping a personal diary
Writing about what you have been feeling on a daily basis is a very good way to enhance self-knowledge and learn to distinguish between the feelings and emotions that usually arise in your daily life. Putting these things into words and reading about them will allow you to understand many of the logics of what you feel, and will also make it possible for you to detect opportunities to “reconnect” with the exciting and motivating things that your relationship can offer you. In this way, you will be increasingly able to identify references about the ways in which this courtship or marriage will provide you with significant experiences for your personal development.
3. Propose new routines and projects that involve both of you
It’s not about doing motivating things while you’re with your partner, but about doing exciting and meaningful things that unite you, and that they wouldn’t be the same without the other person But many people fail to move from desires to actions; To avoid this, it is important to organize a schedule that delimits the beginning and end of these activities (instead of only detailing the blocks of time dedicated to work and home obligations).
4. Instead of just talking, talk
We understand each other through meaningful conversations about your concerns, your fears, what excites you, etc. Avoid making the mistake of assuming that you already know the other person ; In the same way that you change over time, the same happens with your partner, but if you do not communicate well, these transformations may go unnoticed in the short or medium term.
Do you want to have psychological support for relationship problems?
If you are interested in having professional psychological help in the form of individualized sessions or couples therapy, contact me. My name is Thomas Saint Cecilia and I am a psychologist specialized in the cognitive-behavioral intervention model; I can assist you either in person in my office located in Madrid or through the online modality by video call.
